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Friday, July 26, 2013

FORGET THE JABBERWOCK, MY SON--BEWARE THE SMARTASS




When my son-in-law first moved to the United States he spoke no English.  It was imperative that he learn some important words & phrases quickly.  These, of course, included “please” & “thank you” & “where’s the bathroom?”  He feels that the most important phrase he learned was, “It’s not my fault.  It’s Nameless’ fault!”
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You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.  These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages,'' a Florida newspaper.  (Who says Seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4” (used to be 5'6”), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.  Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
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LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried her fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.  Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
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SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.  If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
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WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
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BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.  If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
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MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.  If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
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MINT CONDITION
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.  Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, “Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.”  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he started off with:

 1) It is the perfect formula for the child.
 2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
 3) It is always the right temperature.
 4) It is inexpensive.
 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
 6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

  7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get at it.

He got an A.
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Sometime around 1970, Bud & I were driving down Pacific Coast Highway.  We passed a very expensive, very exclusive restaurant &, on a whim, decided to have a late lunch there.  The maĆ®tre d’ greeted us & asked if we had a reservation.  We told him we didn’t & he said he’d see what he could do.  He turned & studied the nearly empty dining area for several moments.  He then turned back to us & asked, with a straight face, “Would you prefer a round table or a square one?”
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A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.  He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up.  Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."   The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.  The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it." 
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Do you ever get tired of telemarketers calling & yet you’re too polite to just hang up?  Me, too.  I think I got even some time ago when I was very busy & someone called me with an offer for pre-need funerals.  “I told him, “I’m so sorry—I wish you had called last week.  I died yesterday!”
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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.  Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."  Visibly shaken, she stared at the mystic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.  She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing.  She simply had to know.  She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?
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A perfect example of "smartassism":









Think you're so important?  
You're just a small dot on this small dot.
This is a picture of earth, 
as seen from the spaceship Cassini,
from approximately 900,000,000 miles away.  
We are dwarfed by the rings of Saturn.














You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway----fishducky