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Wednesday, August 7, 2013

LOVE, MARRIAGE AND OTHER JOKES




Bob: “So, you say that you won the argument with your wife yesterday.”
Joe: “Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees.”
Bob: “Really? What did she say?”
Joe: “Come out from under the bed, you coward!”
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A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "That a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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One guy to another: “Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced.”
“What did you do, see a lawyer?”
“No, I got married.”
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A couple was making their first doctor’s visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

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After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her. He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes. On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However, the pastor has a plan. The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged, etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him., “Can you please pay me?” Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. “How much do I owe you?” The pastor thinks quickly and replies, “Pay me according to your wife's beauty.” The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor. Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says, “You may now kiss the bride.” At this point the veil is lifted from the bride's face to allow the groom to kiss her.  As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and hands the groom four dollars and fifty cents.
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One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard & heard an owl hoot & he thought he'd give it a hoot back.  To his surprise & delight the bird hooted again.  The next night the same scenario occurred.

All summer the man & his feathered friend hooted back & forth.  He even kept a log of the "conversations".  Just as he thought he was on the breakthrough of inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with their next door neighbor.  "My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented.  "That's odd," the neighbor said.  "So does mine."
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Sometimes when I'm home alone, thinking of that special person who is sitting at home at the same time, just waiting to meet me, I think to myself, "What a loser this chick must be to sit at home by herself & think of some guy she's never met!"
--Jon Paul

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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go out  twice a week for a candlelight dinner, wine, soft music, and a night of romance at a fancy hotel. Bud goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

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A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money! She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again, saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."
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A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"

He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"
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A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook & do the housework. They hired a lovely young woman for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite & kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in & said she would have to quit. 


"But why?" asked the disappointed wife. She hemmed & hawed & said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, & well, I'm pregnant." 

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband & I don't have children, & we'll adopt your baby if you will stay." She talked to her husband; he agreed & the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it & all went well. 

After several months, the maid came in again & said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband & offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had her second baby, they adopted it & life went on as usual. 

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed & they adopted the third baby. She worked for a little while, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time." 

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house. "No," she said, "It’s just that I never agreed to work in a house where there were so damn many kids to pick up after."
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Thanks for this one, Joe!!
I've titled it "Seduction in Florida":












Are adopted children considered pre-owned?----fishducky