Bob: “So, you say that you won the argument with your wife
yesterday.”
Joe: “Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees.”
Bob: “Really? What did she say?”
Joe: “Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees.”
Bob: “Really? What did she say?”
Joe: “Come out from under
the bed, you coward!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunken Irishman
is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over
the road. A
cop pulls him over. "So,"
says the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "It looks
like you've had quite a few." "I did all right," the drunk says with a
smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight
and folding his arms, "That a few miles back, your wife fell out of your
car?" "Oh, thank heavens,"
sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One guy
to another: “Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced.”
“What did you do, see a lawyer?”
“No, I got married.”
“What did you do, see a lawyer?”
“No, I got married.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple was making their first doctor’s visit
prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a
small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his
wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man
took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters,
the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides
it is time to marry her. He
proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes. On the day of the wedding the young
man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However, the pastor
has a plan. The service proceeds
as planned the vows are exchanged, etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss
his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid.
He pulls the young man aside and asks him., “Can you please pay me?” Not wanting to
create a seen the young man asked. “How much do I owe you?” The pastor thinks quickly and replies, “Pay me according
to your wife's beauty.” The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and
gave it to the pastor. Although
annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says, “You may now kiss
the bride.” At this point the veil is lifted from the bride's face to allow the
groom to kiss her. As the groom is about
to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and hands the groom four
dollars and fifty cents.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard & heard an owl hoot & he thought he'd give it a hoot back. To his surprise & delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.
All summer the man & his feathered friend hooted back & forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations". Just as he thought he was on the breakthrough of inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with their next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling to owls," the wife commented. "That's odd," the neighbor said. "So does mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes when I'm home alone, thinking of that special person who is sitting at home at the same time, just waiting to meet me, I think to myself, "What a loser this chick must be to sit at home by herself & think of some guy she's never met!"
--Jon Paul
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go out twice a week for a candlelight dinner, wine, soft music, and a night of romance at a fancy hotel. Bud goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought
his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the
counter. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes,
she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?" She
answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money! She then said,
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again, saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man gets home, runs
into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery!
Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook & do the housework. They hired a lovely young woman for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite & kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in & said she would have to quit.
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook & do the housework. They hired a lovely young woman for the job. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite & kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in & said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed
wife. She hemmed & hawed & said she didn't
want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my
day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the
next county, & well, I'm pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose
you. My husband & I don't have children, & we'll adopt your baby if you
will stay." She talked to her husband; he agreed & the
maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it & all went well.
After several months, the maid came in again
& said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that
she was pregnant again, talked to her husband & offered to adopt the baby
if she would stay. She agreed, had her second baby, they adopted it & life
went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she
would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer,
she agreed & they adopted the third baby. She worked for a little while,
but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?"
asked the lady of the house. "No," she said, "It’s just that I
never agreed to work in a house where there were so damn many kids to pick up
after."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for this one, Joe!!
I've titled it "Seduction in Florida":
I've titled it "Seduction in Florida":
Are adopted children considered pre-owned?----fishducky
