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Friday, August 9, 2013

ASSORTED THOUGHTS FROM AN UNSORTED BRAIN




Q. What do you call a musician who doesn’t have a girlfriend?
A. Homeless.

Q. Why do mermaids wear seashells?
A. The a & b shells didn’t fit.

Q. How many stoners does it take to watch a campfire go out?
A. All of them.
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When our boys were young, they were in the Cub Scouts.  Bud was the Pack Leader & I was the head Den Mother.   I was constantly going to scout headquarters to pick up badges & other supplies.  Headquarters was staffed by volunteers, one of whom was a very sweet older lady named Shirley.  You know how fast Speedy Gonzales moves?  Shirley didn’t!  I tried never to go there when I was in a hurry, but one day I couldn’t help it.  I was pleased to see both a man named Irv & Shirley seated behind the counter.  Irv greeted me & was about to ask what I wanted when Shirley smiled, got up & started walking towards me saying, “II’lllll heellllp youuuuu, Mrrrrs. F------------r!”  (She talked as quickly as she moved!)  I didn’t want to insult her so there was nothing I could do.  This has since become a saying in my family.  I’m sure you must have met some of her relatives—they seem to be everywhere!

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This story has been going around—I have no ideas if it’s true or not:
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a driver over.  She was sure she had done nothing wrong & she said, “You probably stopped me so you could give me a huge fine for something & donate it to the Georgia State Trooper’s ball.”  He denied that was the case & said, “Ma’am, Georgia State Troopers don’t have balls!”  He supposedly was so embarrassed he left without giving her a ticket.

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Right after the end if the Ice Age When we were first married I worked as a dental assistant for Dr. Taub,  a children’s dentist who had an office near the beach.  Since many kids are scared of people wearing medical whites, we wore street clothes.  During the summer we could wear shorts.  Once, another dentist came over to pick up Dr. Taub to go out to lunch.  He questioned my boss on our attire.  I heard Dr. Taub tell him, “When most dentists are hiring a new assistant, they usually ask where she went to school.  I say, ‘Lemme see your legs, baby!’”  (This was obviously  before the days of political correctness.)

That was a great place to work.  I happily did his banking & ran errands because he let me drive his new Ford Thunderbird convertible instead of my car.  He used to take two hour lunches so the receptionist & I would alternate weeks, staying in the office one week & taking two hours out the next.  We were only about five minutes from Santa Monica beach, so I could spend an hour or so on the sand, drive back & get cleaned up in his private shower before I had to go back to work.  Not too tacky!

Pinterest

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A guy goes into a diner & says to the waitress, "I'll give you $10 if you lift up your skirt so I can see your knees."  She figures that's a little kinky, but what the heck?  She shows him her knees.  He says, "Lift your skirt a little higher so I can see your thighs & I'll give you $25."  She does & he does.  She then says, "For $100 I'll show you where they gave me my appendectomy scar."  He excitedly gives her the $100 & she points to the front window & says, "Over there at the hospital across the street!"
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Michele sent me this & I love it:










My kids went on a class trip to the Coca Cola factory.  There was a pop quiz----fishducky