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Monday, August 26, 2013

MEN--YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH 'EM & YOU CAN'T KILL 'EM





This story came from the internet, so you KNOW it's true!  It happened many years ago:

Intent on suicide, Frenchman Jacques Lefevre drove a stake into the ground on the top of a cliff overlooking the sea, then tied one end of a rope around the stake & the other around his neck.  Being nothing if not thorough, he then drank a bottle of poison, set his clothes on fire & tried to shoot himself in the head.  He missed & the bullet cut the rope in two, dropping the hapless gentleman into the sea, where the salt water put out his flaming clothes & caused him to spew out the poison.  A passing fisherman picked him up & delivered him to a nearby hospital where he got his wish—he died from the effects of exposure. 

If a man is in the backyard and the TV in the family room is on, that doesn’t mean he’s not watching it.



Men hate to lose.  I once beat my husband at tennis.  I asked him, “Are we ever going to have sex again?”  He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”
--Rita Rudner




Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground. The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter. The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends. "My watch is 30 minutes slow." 



While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”  “Dear God!  Did your try to stop him?” “No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry.  I got the license plate number!”




1. What do you call a handcuffed man?  Trustworthy.

2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?  You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

4. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

5. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

9. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

11. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

12. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.


13. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them.

14. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

15. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.

16. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

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What your man says  REALLY means


"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."


"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."


 "Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter." 


"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 


"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?" 


"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works." 


"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."


This guy is a real idiot:



But this one is a keeper!!:



You might enjoy this:

Why do men need these instructions?

























This doesn't fit in here, 
but I wanted to run it before they removed it.  
Dee sent it & I LOVE it--thank you, Dee!!
HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, in Amsterdam. Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands. Take a look at HEMA's product page - just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens. DON'T click on any of the items in the picture, just wait.   At the end you can scroll down and check the prices! This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer, who has too much time on his hands.  Click HERE 



If God hadn't intended us to eat animals he wouldn't have made them out of meat----fishducky