This 85-year-old
couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car
crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her
interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the
pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "ooohed and aaahed" the old
man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied,
"this is Heaven."
Next they went out
back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day
and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf
courses on earth. The old man asked,
"What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play
for free."
Next they went to the
clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid
out. "How much to eat?" asked
the old man. "Don't you understand
yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part...you can eat as
much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get
sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at
his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten
years ago!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God
greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God. "I could
eat," Mother Teresa replied. So God opened a can
of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While
eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the
inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious,
but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God
again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once
again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb,
turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she
said nothing. The following day,
mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain
herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven
with you because of the pious, obedient way I lived. But here in heaven all I
get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat
like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..."
God sighed. "Let's
be honest Teresa," He said,
"... for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr.
Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the University of Oklahoma, is known for posing
questions on final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?" In May a
few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer" exam paper
contained the question:
"Is
Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
One
student wrote the following:
First, we
must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then
a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into
hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for
souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the
world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people
and all souls go to Hell. With the birth and death rates what they are, we can
expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at
the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for
the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of
the souls and volume needs to stay constant.
[Answer 1]
So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
[Answer 2]
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is
it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan during freshman
year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and
taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations
with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct; thus, Hell is exothermic.
The student
got the only A.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment
by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man
he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I
have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up", barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school
teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into
Heaven?" "No!" the
children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" Again the answer was
"No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A
five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A drunken man gets on
the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly
woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're
going straight to hell!
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Dammit,
I’m on the wrong bus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The priest was
preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly,
the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of
his evil!" The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated
his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you
refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said,
"Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate
anybody."
Two cute dogs.
An angel:
Click HERE to see a devil.
A song for you:
To see a 15 minute film on remembering people,
click HERE.
The last half of the video is on the 9/11 Memorial Museum.
And some cartoons:
When something goes very wrong & there's going to be Hell to pay, will they send a bill? Also, do they accept credit cards?----fishducky
