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Monday, October 14, 2013

WOMEN ARE SO EASY TO UNDERSTAND


I had this scheduled to post on Wednesday, October 11.  Somehow (thank you, Blogger) only random people got it.  I'm trying again for today.



Women are easy to understand--if you speak their language.  Here is a glossary of terms for all you clueless guys out there:


FINE 
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "Fine" to describe how a woman looks; this will cause you to have one of those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES 
This is how long it will take before she is ready to leave; approximately half an hour.  It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. 

NOTHING 
This means "Something!" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine". 

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) 

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". 

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) 

This means "I give up!" or "Do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 

LOUD SIGH 

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". 

SOFT SIGH 

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. 

THAT'S OKAY 

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Go Ahead (Raised Eyebrows)". 

GO AHEAD (With Loud Sigh) 
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. 

PLEASE DO 

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" 

THANKS 
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. 

THANKS A LOT 

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
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In an effort to keep both sexes informed, here are the definitions of Guts and Balls:

GUTS--Coming home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and asking: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS--Coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying: "You're next, Chubby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
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What all women understand about men:

Men are like..... Placemats. 
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like..... Mascara. 
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like..... Bike helmets. 
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like..... Government bonds. 
They take so long to mature.
Men are like..... Copiers. 
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like..... Lava lamps. 
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like..... Bank accounts. 
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like..... High heels. 
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like..... Curling irons. 
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."













But it can all work out:










Men--the next time you're having a discussion/argument with your wife, remember the 50/50/90 rule.  Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong----fishducky







TODAY'S MENU SELECTIONS: SAVORY VIDEOS AND A SIDE OF SLOW-BAKED JOKES


fishducky's feedery

For an appetizer, may we suggest:
An African rainstorm to cleanse your palate & tempt your taste buds.
(There is almost no sound at the beginning;
it grows as the storm builds.)

Or you might like some fresh fruit.
How about a dog's reaction to lime?

As an entree, we are offering assorted spicy black & white legs:

If you'd prefer, the chef has prepared a tasty ragout, 
which is a virtual kaleidoscope of marvelous flavors:


For dessert, perhaps you would like to choose from
a selection of fine cheeses, pastries, jokes & cartoons:

A snail was mugged by a tortoise. The police said, "Can you give us a description of your attacker?  The snail said, "No, it all happened so fast!"
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Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?  "Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.  "And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?" "Sure is, Bubba. But why you asking?"  "Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"
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 A policeman pulls over a drunk driver for not stopping at a stop sign and asks the driver if he even saw the sign. The driver replies, "I did, Officer, but it turned red too fast for me to stop." 
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 A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"
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If you're too full to finish your meal, we have doggy bags:

Or perhaps you have a cat:

If you think my restaurant is strange, 
then you probably wouldn't care for 
the V Lounge at Opaque in Santa Monica, CA.
You are led into a pitch black dining room by a blind waiter.
(Yes, they really do hire specially trained vision impaired waitstaff.)
It's so dark you literally can't see your hand in front of your face, but that just highlights the flavors of your meal--& your dinner conversation!!
I haven't been there, but I assume their restrooms are lighted.
Huffpost



Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana----fishducky