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Monday, November 25, 2013

WHAT SHARK?






My daughter, Nameless, & I had this thing going for several years.  We had a rubber shark, similar to the one in this picture.  It was about 6" long.  I can't remember who started it--probably me--but we used to hide it in each other's house.  One day, she would find it on the handle of her toilet & a month or so later it would be in a leftover dish in my refrigerator.  It would magically appear in someone's toothbrush holder, underwear drawer, the slot in a VCR where you insert the videotape or ANYWHERE!  The really funny part of this was, with no agreement or discussion of any kind, we NEVER mentioned that the shark even existed.  In fact, her husband found it once while I was at their house & asked where the shark came from. Both Nameless & I looked at him & asked, "What shark?"  I haven't seen that bugger for over 10 years.  I wonder if it's lurking somewhere in my house, waiting for me to find it!  I'd ask Nameless about it, but she'd probably say, "What shark?"

I just saw this tea infuser on Pinterest:


That's all I have on sharks, so on to something else.

I am continually amazed by the brilliance of some people.  Below are some answers given by the contestants on "Family Fortunes", which I assume is the British version of "Family Feud":

-- Something a blind man might use? A Sword 
-- A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon 
-- Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell 
-- Some famous brothers? Bonnie and Clyde. 
-- Something that floats in a bath? Water 
-- An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse 
-- Something you wear on a beach? A deckchair 
-- A famous Royal? Mail 
-- Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with wings 
-- A famous bridge? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters 
-- Something a cat does ? Goes to the toilet 
-- Something you do in the bathroom? Decorate 
-- A method of securing your home? Put the kettle on 
-- Something associated with pigs? The Police 
-- A sign of the Zodiac? April 
-- Something people might be allergic to? Skiing 
-- Something you do before you go to bed? Sleep 
-- Something slippery? A con man 
-- Something sold by gypsies? Bananas
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Some other brilliant comments:

Q: "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
A: "Yes, I am.  I married the wrong woman."

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Q: "Am I the first man you have ever loved?"
A: "Of course.  Why do men always ask me the same question?"

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Q: "How old is your wife?"
A: "She's approaching thirty."
Q: "From which direction?"
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A diner asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says, "There's nothin' special.  We just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die..."
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A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whiskey. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "Have another drink."  The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "After the police have gone."
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The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner. “When I bought this watch last month, you said it would last me a lifetime!” “Yeah,” admitted the owner, “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it!”
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An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."  The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."
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A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway, and it hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He’s pissed, says what the hell, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him.  He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him.  Looking up his records, God sees that the guy plays golf and says, “Are you any good?”  The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?” 
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One night, while on foot patrol, a police officer approached a local bar. Through the door stumbled a drunk who promptly fell on his backside. He lay on the ground with his eyes closed. Upon opening his eyes, he sees the officer looking down at him.
He says,"Osifer, did you see me fall!"
The officer says,"Yeah, I did."
The drunk asks, “Do you know who I am?"
"Nope," comes the reply.
"Well,” says the drunk, “Then how do you know it was me that fell?"

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And for our friends in the medical profession:

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly." 
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?" 
"Yes," the boy's mother answered. 
"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked. 
"Who cares?" she said.

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Patient: "Doctor, I'm suffering from déjà vu."  
Doctor: "Didn't I see you yesterday?"
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Patient: "How long have I got, Doc?" 
Doctor: "Ten." 
Patient: "Ten what?  Years?  Months?  Weeks?" 
Doctor: "Nine... Eight...  Seven... Six... "
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Patient: "Doctor, I'm seeing double!" 
Doctor: "Sit on the chair, please."
Patient: "Which one?"
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I thought I'd end by quoting Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I?  He never quotes anything of mine----fishducky