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Friday, November 29, 2013

IT'S TIME TO MEND YOUR POLITICALLY INCORRECT WAYS!!


Not particularly amusing, but this happened.  Several years ago, Bud & I were at a friend's apartment, enjoying dinner & conversation with him, his wife & their bobcat.  Yes, I said bobcat!!  I don't remember what we were discussing, but I was shocked when our friend used the "N" word.  I said that I didn't appreciate that kind of language.  He told me that it was his home & that he could use any kind of language he wanted inside those walls.  I thought about it & decided he was right, but I didn't have to listen.  I stepped out onto the front porch & asked him to tell me when he was through.
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NOW ONTO THE FUNNY!!

Melynda emailed me these new rules for political correctness.  I think they're great!!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY  CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She  is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN  AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG'  you  - She becomes
'VERBALLY  REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT  HOOKER' - She is a
'LOW COST  PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY  CORRECT:

1. He does not have a  'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' -  He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like  a 'TOTAL ASS' -  He develops a case of
'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out  of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'
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How much should you spend on beer?

CRITICAL THINKING AT ITS BEST.

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, which includes a tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately$5,400 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
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How to handle the police:

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.” 
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Personal hygiene:

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would make everyone happier if the sailors would change  their underwear occasionally. The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"  He went straight to the sailor’s berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones.  McCarthy, you change with JenkinsBrown, you change with Schultz..."

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Top ten reasons why the bible would be different if it were written by today's college students:

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning, cold.

9. The Ten Commandments would be actually only five, double-spaced, and written in large font.

8. Promiscuous females would be dated, not stoned.

7. Forbidden fruit would still have been eaten; anything is better than college food.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: they were rooming together and the dishes weren't getting done.

4. The time and place where the end of the world occurs would be lecture halls in October.

3. Mary would have made a complaint to the sexual harassment committee concerning God’s unwanted advances.

2. The reason why Moses and his followers wandered through the desert for forty years; they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.



You might be interested in this article.  (LINK)



































I'm glad you enjoyed the post,
but this really wasn't necessary:


Do you think it's politically correct to make Denzel Washington play an African-American in every film?----fishducky


PS. I ran a special Thanksgiving post yesterday.  In case you missed it, (& you care) scroll down to "older post".


 

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