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Friday, January 31, 2014

A LITTLE OF THIS & A LOT OF THAT...


Are you obsessive-compulsive?  Do you like to have things in a strict order? Below are some suggestions on how your world might be improved:

Alphabet soup:

Soup in alphabetical order:

Nature's trees:

Do-it-yourself trees:

A busy park:

An orderly park:

A fruit salad:

A fruit salad 
(Not touching other foods):

Average parking lot:

Parking lot, color coded:
biggeekdad.com

I guess you'd really have to have OCD to use this
(yes--it's a real product):

When my sons were in Cub Scouts, they had a friend, Peter.  One day when he was home alone, his dad (who was colorblind) tried a new brand of crackers that his wife had recently purchased.  When he told his wife how much he liked them, she was a little surprised.  They were dog biscuits!!

Several years later, Matt's friend, Ben, deliberately drove his truck the wrong way over the spikes that are supposed to keep people from leaving someplace through the "enter only" lane.  He knew they wouldn't hurt his tires.  WRONG!!

In case you're wondering if other men think this way, let me offer you a statistic: the first testicular guard (cup) used in hockey was in 1874.  It took until 1974, 100 years later, that they  decided also using helmets would be a good idea.  'Nuff said!!
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Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll be, boys?"

The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood."

The second vampire says "I, too, wish for blood!"

The third vampire says "Give me plasma."

The bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This joke doesn't really belong anywhere--I just thought it was funny:

A Scottish old timer is in a bar, talking to a young man.  The old man says: "Lad, look out there to the field.  Do ya see that fence?  Look how well it's built.  I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands.  I piled it for months.  But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder?  Nooo.."   

Then the old man gestured at the bar.  "Look here at the bar.  Do ya see how smooth and just it is?  I planed that surface down by me own achin' back.  I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-Builder? Nooo..."  

Then the old man points out the window.  "Hey, laddy, look out to sea.  Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see?  I built that pier with the sweat off me back.  I nailed it board by board.  But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder?  Nooo..."   

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one else is paying attention. He leans closer to the young man and says "But ya f**k one goat.......” 






 


You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back!!----fishducky
 







  





Wednesday, January 29, 2014

EXCUSE ME, BUT WOULD YOU PLEASE ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS?

xkcd: Refrigerator


Being the deep thinker that I am, naturally I have many unanswered questions. Among them are:



When cannibals eat a missionary, do they get a taste of religion?

Should someone keep their job as a banker if they lose interest?

Why isn't fat the past tense of fit?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too? 
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? 

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
 

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
 

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
 

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
If my mind is sharp as a tack, why is my body like Jello?

Why do math teachers have so many problems?

Why don't relief maps show restrooms?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? 

Why are double negatives a no-no?

Why can't I remember jokes about amnesia?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their behind when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why is Braille available on drive-up ATM's?

Would a fly without wings be called a "walk"?

How can there be such a thing as a "self help group"?

My husband thinks I'm a skeptic.  Why don't I believe him?

During World War II, how did Japanese pilots train for kamikaze missions?

If you tell a joke in the forest & nobody hears it, was it still a joke?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? 

Isn't sweat really just fat crying?

Life is full of uncertainties--or could I be wrong about that?

If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out her nose? 

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 


Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

It used to be that the only things that were inevitable were death & taxes.  Doesn't that now include shipping & handling?

If we are put on earth to help others, what are the others here for?


I do know how to tell who your 
real friends are:



















There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots----fishducky


 








Monday, January 27, 2014

AN OBITUARY PRINTED IN THE LONDON TIMES





Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair and maybe it was my fault. 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. 
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.  It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. 
Common Sense suffered further as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. 
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. 
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. 
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. 
He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim, and Pay Me For Doing Nothing.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. 

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I think it's just common sense to post 
lots of cartoons after that:
















We are all responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities----fishducky