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Monday, January 6, 2014

"REALITY IS AN ILLUSION THAT OCCURS DUE TO LACK OF ALCOHOL"--anonymous


I'll have a glass of wine with dinner once a month or so, but I've never felt the need to drink. Except, of course, after the Cub Scout meetings at my home when the kids were growing up. That was "Stay away from Mommy" time.  I've been tipsy, but I was only drunk out of my skull twice in my life.  Let me tell you about those times, as best as I can remember.

When you spin them, 
these corkscrews always remind me of an ice skater:


We had gone to a party & I must have had a very good time.  While Bud was taking the babysitter home, I attempted (successfully!) to navigate our long & narrow hall to our bedroom. I'm grateful the hall was so narrow, because the only way I could keep from falling over was to keep my arms shoulder height at my sides, palms facing outward.  That way, when I tipped to one side or the other, I found my self braced against the wall.  Pretty clever for a drunk, I think!!

The other time, we were going on vacation the following day & Bud's officer threw us a going away party.  I don't remember the party but I do remember sitting on my dresser while one of the secretaries packed for me & then put me to bed.  Secretaries are apparently talented in many ways!!

We were staying at a hotel in Puerto Vallarta with our friends, Bob & Phyllis .  We tried hard not to be “ugly Americans” & to speak as much Spanish as we could.  Bob really liked butter & at dinner, he always wanted more.  He would say to the waiter, “More mantequilla, por favor".  We couldn’t understand why, if he could learn the words for butter (mantequilla) & please (por favor) he couldn’t remember the much simpler word for more (mas).  He DID manage to master the emergency phrase, “Tres margaritas, por favor.  Dos con sal y uno sin sal.”  (“Three margaritas, please.  Two with salt & one without salt.”)  I like lots of salt on mine!!

Bud was never a drinker--after he was 21.  Before then, he would drink occasionally with his friends to feel more mature.  He decided he didn't like the taste of alcohol, so he quit shortly after.  His father, Phil, was an executive in the Musicians' Union, & Bud once was in a bar with his dad & Caesar Petrillo, the then president of the union.  Mr. Petrillo asked Phil why it was that when people are paying for their own drinks, they'll have rotgut, but when it's on him they all have call shot whiskey. 

Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work

      It's an incentive to show up.

      It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

      Employees tell management what they really think, not what management wants to hear. 

     It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 

     It encourages carpooling. 

It reduces stress 

It leads to more honest communications.

It reduces complaints about low pay. 
Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 
It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
It makes fellow employees look better.
Some quotes:

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman 

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits 

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? --Stephen Wright

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. --Frank Zappa 

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. --Winston Churchill 

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin 

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy 

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart 

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton 

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A joke for you:

A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" 

The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender." So the bartender fills the glass. 

The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get."  

I've run this video before, 
but it seems especially appropriate with this post:

Men, if your wife has filled this glass:
I'd advise you to check this chart:


Still have time for some cartoons?









You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on----fishducky

 









19 comments:

  1. I don't drink a lot - but somedays wine o'clock can't come soon enough. And I savour every last drop. Beer? Makes a good rinse for my hair.
    Many years ago my partner came home very, very late (he had met a gentleman with a flagon under a railway bridge) and very drunk.
    He looked at me and said 'If you was any kind of feminist, you would carry me to bed'. That night I revoked my feminist priniciples and left him where he fell...

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    1. It's always wine o'clock somewhere--& GOOD FOR YOU!!

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  2. I used to drink much more than I do these days. Didn't have a single drink this Christmas. And i never drink beer. Just don't like the taste of hops.

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    1. I think I had a glass of wine a couple of months ago. I don't like American beer but I'll have a German one every 2 or 3 years!!

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  3. Surviving an afternoon being a Den Leader is a very valid reason to have some wine.

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    1. It was absolutely necessary for survival!!

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  4. hahaa Henny Youngman … I'm with him … I watched the video but can't hear worth a patoo … I like your personal stories… ;)

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    1. Here's one version of the song--there are MANY online:

      It was early last September, as near as I can remember.
      While strolling down the street in manly pride.

      My feet began to stutter and I laid down in the gutter
      When this pig walked up and laid down by my side.

      Not a soul were we disturbing, as we lay there by the curbing,
      When this high tone lady stopped and I heard her say,

      “You can tell someone who boozes by the company he chooses”
      And the pig got up and slowly walked away.

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  5. I'm not much of a drinker, wine makes my mouth swell, beer gives me gas and most spirits just put me to sleep.
    Merle.............

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    1. Even if I were bi--which I'm not--I don't think we could have much of a relationship!!

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  6. I love the survival tips for men. I need to send that to Willie Dunne Wooters. I've been exceedingly drunk a couple of times. X made the strongest margaritas on Earth. I remember crawling to bed after drinking ONE. I also got so drunk at my older sister's wedding that I thought I was going to die. I drink very little now, but I drink the little very often.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. What a delightful solution to your problem!!

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  7. Love the quotes and jokes!
    I've never been drunk, nor even tipsy, probably because I don't drink.
    Husbands on the other hand....well one of them used to fall UPstairs and always land in the pizza he was bringing home...

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    1. Your husband brought that on himself, but I feel sorry for the poor pizza!!

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  8. I have only been drunk a couple of times and those were always involving our Irish neighbor and his Scottish wife when we lived in Edinburgh. The worst was the day after Christmas a few years ago. We went to a pub along the beach where they had a 'bring your own instruments' jam session. I had been entertaining over Christmas so I hadn't eaten much of anything that day but my Irish neighbor kept buying me white wine. I ended up having a very difficult time walking to the toilets, seeing my earring on the floor of the stall, forgetting my purse when we left, and yelling at a woman in a fur coat to, "HURRY UP!" as I thought it was Branden who had gone to fetch my purse. OH and I may have sang at a bus stop, ridden in a taxi with my eyes closed the whole time because I loved the spinning feeling, made my neighbor bring his cat over so I could pet it while I was a lump in bed, and then question where my earring was the next day. There are good reasons why I don't get drunk!

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    1. You sound like a more interesting date than Merlesworld!!

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  9. My niece is a bank teller. Her banked was robbed a few months back, and she was the teller. EVERYONE IS FINE.

    But I did buy her that wine glass for Christmas. :)

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  10. I'm glad she was OK--that glass was VERY appropriate for her!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.