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Wednesday, March 26, 2014

DO NOT REMOVE THIS DISCLAIMER UNDER PENALTY OF LAW


This should just about cover it:

For optimum performance and safety, please read these instructions carefully.

Void where prohibited. No representation or warranty, express or implied, with respect to the completeness, accuracy, fitness for a particular purpose, or utility of these materials or any information or opinion contained herein. Actual mileage may vary. Prices slightly higher west of the Mississippi. All models over 18 years of age. No animals were harmed during the production of this product. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or events, past, present or future, is purely coincidental. This product not to be construed as an endorsement of any product or company, nor as the adoption or promulgation of any guidelines, standards or recommendations. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent. This product is meant for educational purposes only. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Package sold by weight, not volume. Contents may settle during shipment. No user-serviceable parts inside. Use only as directed.  Do not eat. Not a toy.

Postage will be paid by addressee. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. One size fits all. Colors may, in time, fade. For office use only. Edited for television. List was current at time of printing. At participating locations only. Keep away from fire or flame. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of the dog. Limited time offer. No purchase necessary. Not recommended for children under 12. Prerecorded for this time zone. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. For recreational use only. No Canadian coins. List each check separately by bank number. This is not an offer to sell securities.

Read at your own risk. Ask your doctor or pharmacist. Parental guidance advised. Always read the label. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Do not stamp. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Contains non-milk fat. Date as postmark. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Use only in well-ventilated area. Price does not include taxes. Not for resale. Hand wash only. Keep away from sunlight. For a limited time only. No preservatives or additives. Keep away from pets and small children. Safety goggles required during use. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Please remain seated until the web page has come to a complete stop. Refrigerate after opening. Flammable. Must be 18 years or older. Seat backs and tray tables must be in the upright position. Repeat as necessary. Do not look directly into light. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. No salt, MSG, artificial colouring or flavoring added. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid prolonged exposure to this product. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. May contain nuts. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Do not use if safety seal is broken.

Apply only to affected area. Do not use this product if you have high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, thyroid disease, asthma, glaucoma, or difficulty in urination. May be too intense for some viewers. In case of accidental ingestion, seek professional assistance or contact a poison control center immediately. Many suitcases look alike. Post office will not deliver without postage. Not the Beatles. Products are not authorized for use as critical components in life support devices or systems. Driver does not carry cash. Do not puncture or incinerate. Do not play your headset at high volume. Discontinue use of this product if any of the following occurs: itching, aching, vertigo, dizziness, ringing in your ears, vomiting, giddiness, aural or visual hallucinations, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, drowsiness, insomnia, profuse sweating, shivering, or heart palpitations. Video+ and Video- are at ECL voltage levels, HSYNC and VSYNC are at TTL voltage levels. It is a violation of federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling. Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents can be harmful or fatal. This product has been shown to cause cancer in laboratory rats. Do not use the AC adaptor provided with this player for other products.

Warranty does not cover normal wear and tear, misuse, accident, lightning, flood, hail storm, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, avalanche, earthquake or tremor, hurricane, solar activity, meteorite strike, nearby supernova and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper or unauthorized use, incorrect line voltage, unauthorized use, unauthorized repair, improper installation, typographical errors, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, microwave ovens or mobile phones, sonic boom vibrations, ionizing radiation, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, disk failure, accidental file deletions, mud slides, forest fire, riots or other civil unrest, acts of terrorism or war, whether declared or not, explosive devices or projectiles (which can include, but may not be limited to, arrows, crossbow bolts, air gun pellets, bullets, shot, cannon balls, BBs, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, ICBMs, or emissions of electromagnetic radiation such as radio waves, microwaves, infra-red radiation, visible light, UV, X-rays, alpha, beta and gamma rays, neutrons, neutrinos, positrons, N-rays, knives, stones, bricks, spit-wads, spears, javelins, etc.).

Other restrictions may apply. Breach of these conditions is likely to cause unquantifiable loss that may not be capable of remedy by the payment of damages.

This supersedes all previous disclaimers


Because of today's litigious society, the following manufacturers felt that these disclaimers were necessary:


On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. 

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. 

On Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. 
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. 

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. 

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. 
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. 

On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. 

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. 
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. 

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. 
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
ArcaMax Jokes 




The bottom part says,
"Also, the bridge is out ahead."








"We are all a little weird, & life's a little weird, & when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them & fall in mutual weirdness & call it love."----Dr. Seuss (& fishducky)



 






25 comments:

  1. Ha Ha, good luck trying to collect a $200 fine from a dead person.
    "On a Japanese food processor; not to be used for the other use" - I REALLY want to know what the other use might be. Grinding up the ex?
    "One size fits all": in the expensive stores this only applies if the "all" are 6 feet tall with 3 inch waists, in the cheap shops the "all" have to be 6 feet tall and 10 feet around the waist. Baggy is the new black.

    I think you have everything else covered there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't wear "One size fits all" because I'm 3 inches tall with a 6 foot waist!!

      Delete
  2. One can never be too careful.

    That's why I've had a disclaimer on my blog since I started all those years ago.
    This is a work of fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in these posts are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental. These posts have no connection to reality. Any attempt by the reader to replicate any scene in these posts is to be taken at the reader's own risk. Entire regions described in these posts do not exist. Any attempt to learn anything from these posts is disrecommended by the author

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why would anyone attempt to learn ANYTHING from your post?

      Delete
    2. Well, they could learn how to be a cynical loud mouthed Scot.

      Delete
  3. That unattended children sign may just do the trick.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Damn lawyers are the cause of all our problems...and for some a vacation home in Hawaii.

    My favorite is those giant sunscreens you put in the car windshield "Remove before driving."

    ReplyDelete
  5. Having read the disclaimer, I will sleep better tonight.
    R

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your posts are as enjoyable as they are inventive. I love the sign about giving unattended children Espresso and a kitten.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Barely made it past the first one about letting the problem sort itself out. DARWIN at his finest! Back to read the rest now that I'm over that one.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love this post. And am still smiling at the thought of children being given an espresso and a free kitten. Or two.
    Thanks so very much.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You always make our day. Thanks.

    Making some one else's children hyper is a good way of getting back at them.LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When we were younger & everyone was having babies, we had 2 standard gifts. For parents we really liked--a tricycle. For those we didn't like so much--a toy drum set!!

      Delete
  10. Hah. Just as I was about to happily and completely lose faith in humanity, you pull me right back with that Dr. Seuss quote. Sniff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I LOVE humanity--it's people that drive me crazy!!

      Delete
  11. Dear Fishducky. I am terribly sorry but after reading your disclaimer I broke the rules. I read the post even though I am diabetic and it specifically say not to do this. I promise however never to put any Korean Kitchen Knives into my children. Also I may put the kitten and espresso sign up at the next birthday party I throw! I'm glad you are doing better. Been thinking of you. And yes I can walk without falling off curbs now! It's nice not having to explain all the bruises and bumps like a battered woman anymore!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just be sure you don't use the Japanese food processor for the other use!!

      Delete
  12. Surely this is a site well worth seeing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As long as you're careful & pay attention to the disclaimers!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.