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Monday, April 28, 2014

IS IT STILL PLAGIARISM IF YOU GIVE CREDIT?


A few months ago, I introduced you to these animals drawn by Sandra Boynton.  (link).  With apologies to Ms. Boynton, I'd like to show you what I did with them in my letters:

This is the original:

These are mine:









Since I stole used the cartoon from Ms. Boynton, it seems only fitting that I follow with this post by Man Martin.  Besides, he probably was thinking about me when he wrote it on 11/18/13:




I suffer from a strange condition I hate to bring up in public: I am too good.  I don't like saying it because it makes people feel sorry for me, which is just another manifestation of my kindness that I have way too much of. 

My friends try to make me feel better about this.  "You're not all that good," they say.  My wife playfully adds, "Actually, I'd be more likely to call you selfish."



I know they're trying to reassure me, and I appreciate it because that's the way I am.  I can't help being such a good person, and I take no particular credit for it.  You see, added to all my other good qualities is my towering humility.



For example, when I see on Facebook someone's donated to the relief effort, I click "like" every time.  Every time.  Think of all the "likes" people would get if everyone were as considerate as I.  When Nancy told me she'd donated to the relief effort in the Philippines, I told her that was nice.  That's the kind of guy I am.



And when I leave a store, I always tell the cashier, "Have a nice day."  Sometimes I just say, "Have a good one."  Keep in mind, I'm not doing this for some life-long friend, but a complete stranger.  How good can one guy get?


By this time you're thinking, Man, you need to dial it back a bit.  You can't go on giving, giving, giving this way, you need to take care of yourself as well.  I know, but I just can't help it.

I'm too good.

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To paraphrase a quote from Robert Brault: If you were the last person on earth, would you rate yourself as interesting & entertaining, boring or just average?----fishducky

 






Friday, April 25, 2014

NEED TO DROP A FEW POUNDS?


Hi, everybody. I'm Blake, fishducky's son, & my mom wanted me to let you know what's going on.  You may have noticed that she hasn't left any smart assed responses to your comments this week.  She developed a medical problem the night before Easter which was not connected to her recent surgery.  Without getting too technical, she fell down & went boom, breaking her left arm at the shoulder.  It's too high to cast, so they put her in an immovable sling.  She says it hurts like hell & I believe her!  She hasn't been at the computer since this last episode of klutziness, but I HAVE read her your comments & she hopes (& expects) to be back online Monday -- at least to read, if not actually respond.  Her blogs are written in advance so there should be no break in her posts.

Please continue to leave her comments.  It makes her happy!!


I wasn't always the slim, svelte creature I am today.  
This is me as a baby.

You might consider a diet, if people say things like this to your kids:

Yo mamma's so fat she's got more chins than a Chinese phone book. 

Yo mamma's so fat that when she rolls off the bed, she rolls off BOTH sides. 

Yo mamma's so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. 

Yo mamma's so fat she puts on lipstick with a paint roller. 

Yo mamma's so fat she went to the movies & she sat next to everybody. 

Yo mamma's so fat she was lying on the beach & people tried to throw her back in the ocean.

Yo mamma’s so fat she fell into the Grand Canyon & got stuck. 

Yo mamma's so fat that she stepped on the scale & it read "One at a time, please."

Yo mamma's so fat that her measurements are 36-24-36....... and that's just her left leg. 

Yo mamma's so fat that she sells shade.

Yo mamma's so fat that when she was missing they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton. 

Yo mamma's so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale. 

Yo mamma's so fat that her driver’s license picture says “To be continued”. 
wikianswers.com

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A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight.

"I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor.  I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long.  Is there anything you can do for me?"

"Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative.  Please take off your clothes."

The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head.

"But doctor, now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!"

"True," replies the doctor.  "But you should see what you now have for a collar and a tie."
comedycentral.com
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Bob was in trouble as he'd forgot his wedding anniversary & his wife was extremely upset. 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, Friday, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds!" 

The next morning he got up early & left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window &, sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. 

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, & brought the box back in the house. 

She opened it & found a brand new bathroom scale. 

Bob has been missing since Saturday.

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Tommy LaSorda, onetime manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers, once was quite heavy.  As I remember, his players complained that if they broke a rule, they had to run three laps around the field--or one lap around LaSorda!!  
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True story: When Bud was in the Army he met John "Combat" "Nails" R----.  He got the name "Combat" by being the only one to go through 16 (instead of 8) weeks of basic training. "Nails" came from when he was found using the only "church key" can opener they had (before the days of pop top cans) to clean his fingernails.  Anyway, John was a passenger in a car & he had some letters to be mailed.  He yelled to the driver, "Stop here!"  He jumped out, mail in hand & ran up to a short, rather stout lady who was wearing a red blouse & blue slacks.  He looked at her & said, "Pardon me, madam, I thought you were a mailbox!" & got back in the car.
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The only 2 diet tips that have ever worked for me:

1. Fast on days of the week that end in "y".
2. Eat anything, in any amount, you want.  Just don't swallow. 
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An actual ad: For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.


You might enjoy these:


If he lost a little weight, this wouldn't have happened:













Fat is the past tense of fit----fishducky

 












Monday, April 21, 2014

THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN




Some of you (like my husband) claim you know everything.  It's just possible you're wrong. Below are many things you probably didn't know:


In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food & give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum & insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated & the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge… any as***le can do it.
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You already know that many words have more than one meaning.  For instance, "tear".  It means to rip something, to go fast & it's also that liquid that comes out of your eye when you cry.  Joe (crankyoldman.blogspot.com) sent me this list of some other words with their new definitions, which you may not know:

Eight words with two meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee)n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2.  VULNERABLE (vul-ner-a-bul) n.
Female: Fully opening oneself emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shun) n.
Female: the open sharing of thoughts  & feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married & raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression and/or male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) v.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (rii-moht kon-trol) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 TV channels every 5 minutes.
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Reasons the earth rotates:


The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. 


Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This helps the earth to spin on its axis.



Other little known facts you probably don't know:

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost "r's" migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."


Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age--as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

The best way to forget all your other troubles is to wear tight shoes.
 
The older you get 
the tougher it is to lose weight because, by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
 
You should give up jogging for your health if your thighs keep rubbing together and setting your panties on fire.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. 

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat... that's bad for you!
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Susan (susan-swiderski.blogspot.com)sent me these two.
They might work:


I couldn't find any cartoons, 
but I did find other interesting 
(to me, anyway) stuff:








 









A Passover cartoon for you: