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Friday, April 11, 2014

AN OPEN LETTER TO HER MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH II OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND


(One of my first posts--June, 2012)


Dear Liz,

I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while, but things have been a bit hectic here.  You know how that can get!  Since we are so close, I hope you can clear up a few questions that my friends & I have.

Your mommy died in 2002.  You have my sympathy.  Is there someone else who now holds the position of “Person in Charge of Dressing the Queen Funny”?  You always wear a hat—in this day & age, it is not necessary.  Someone said that you have so many hats you must have a special castle to keep them in.  She called it the “Chapeau Chateau”.
 “Rumble in the Jungle” 

 “Robin Hood”

 “Alice in Wonderland” 

  A gold lame schmata? 

A lot of people think their dogs are
special, too, but they haven’t crowned them.

  I like this one—it goes with the dress.


Maybe you should put your hat back on!

I'm not one to criticize,
but it looks like you got dressed in a big hurry.
Your face is upside down!
         
          And you’re constantly carrying a purse.  Why?  I’m pretty sure you’re never carded.  I don’t mean to be insulting, but I would never take you for being under 21.  Do you need to have your driver’s license with you to cash a check or in case one of the carriage horses breaks a leg & you don’t feel like walking home, so you have to rent a car?  Do you make sure when you go out that you have the keys to the castle with you?  (I guess it would be embarrassing to have to climb through a royal window.)  Doesn’t your Lady-in-Waiting carry tissues?  Your lipstick?  Altoids?  Don’t tell me you’re a secret smoker!

Surely you don’t need a purse at a casual occasion like this!
           
            I understand that you have an employee whose sole job is to pull your chair into or out from under the dining table when you wish to be seated or stand up.  I further understand that once, at a state dinner, you stood & then leaned forward to speak to a guest.  He had already pulled out your chair when you decided to sit down again.  He failed to read your mind & you sat down—on a chair that wasn’t there!  Your Royal Bottom (or “bum” as they say on your side of the pond) came in contact with the floor.  Bud plays these little jokes on me all the time.  Please do NOT write me to say this is not true.  I like the story & will continue to believe it.

            I have it on very good authority (digitaljournal.com) that your grandsons, William & Harry, once changed the outgoing message on your phone to say, “Hey, wassup?” & that they also put this message on your answering machine: “This is Liz.  Sorry I’m away from the throne.  For a hotline to Philip, press one.  For Charles, press two.  And for the corgis, press three.”  This is why I’m reluctant to have my grandchildren touch my cell phone.

              This story about you & President Reagan is making the rounds.  Is it true?

       The Queen of England decides she wants a Kentucky thoroughbred in the royal stable, so she calls President Reagan, who decides to meet her in Lexington, Kentucky.  When they get there, they decide to go for a ride.

       They're just pulling out of the barn when the Queen's horse's tail goes up and "Lbbttt!" — out comes a monstrous fart.  The Queen says, "I'm so embarrassed!"  Reagan says, "You shouldn't be! I thought it was the horse!"

            Even though you are the Queen of England, it’s nice to know that in your heart of hearts, you’re just a normal person:
 I thought the proper etiquette 
was to remove one’s glove first.
           
            Everything is as well as can be expected here.  I’ll write if I find work.  Hope all is well with you & Phil.  Say “Hi” to those zany kids of yours for me & give the puppies a kiss.  xoxoxo----fishducky
         PS—It might be a good idea to tone down that “I’m the richest person in the world” attitude a tad—just sayin’:

                      

               PPS--Have you ever thought of playing Helen Mirren in a movie?  I think you’d be great!\




















 











                 


                                                  
                         

                                 

31 comments:

  1. Fishducky, Fishducky, Fishducky....this is hilarious! Thanks for the laughs, I needed them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Liz is just naturally funny!

      I got a laugh today, too, when I found out I had scheduled 2 posts for today. I rescheduled the other one. Blogger will NOT beat me!!

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  2. That is hilarious about the cell phone because my nephew did something like that to my mother. He kept sending people crazy messages as if they were from my mom! It was HYSTERICAL! :0)

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    Replies
    1. NEVER let a child (or other strange person) near your cell phone!

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  3. This is too funny and I hope you won't get in trouble and be banned forever from visiting over there again.

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    Replies
    1. Where do you mean by "there"--Blogger or Buckingham Palace?

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  4. Where can I get that tea cup and saucer hat?

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  5. I think she got it at "Idiots R Us". I'll ask next time we chat.

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  6. You have deprived the blog world for too long!! This was riot-ous.

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    Replies
    1. You are no longer deprived, you sweet thing! I'll be here until Blogger drives me crazy(er)!

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  7. I don't know what's funnier, your words or those pics. My favorite is the one with the doggies. Now my chis want a crown too. No wonder you only post on Mondays and Friday, you have to give us time to stop laughing!

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    Replies
    1. You have the entire weekend to be grouchy. I expect you to be back here--AND LAUGHING--on Monday!!

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  8. Oh, I think she's a sweet old lady. I never leave home without my purse. ;)

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  9. & your guards, & your carriage, & your entourage...

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  10. Ah yes, The Queen, Her Majesty n'stuff. And living in England and hearing those words from that anthem, "God save the Queen", "long to 'rain' over us..." Um, no thanks! We've had way too much rain!
    And don't get me started on that silly horse racing event where they all wear silly hats and The Queen likes goes there and waves. Royal 'Asscot' is what I call it.
    Have a nice day. Yeah I know, don't tell you what kind of day to have!
    Another starstruck fans of yours,
    shy and humble Gary...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Gary--I, too, am shy & humble (although it's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am!). Glad to have you aboard the HMS FISHDUCKY!! I like the "Royal Asscot" line.

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    2. I just read your profile--I AM IMPRESSED!! Thanks for following!

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    3. Gary's comment and your reply have planted an idea in my brain.

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  11. I have followed you via Elisa, so now am following you here! Congrats on your own blog! Yay!
    I hope you will join my blog. I would be honoured. I am friends with Elisa & Dee Ready, and support their works. I am also a poet & writer, with two books coming out this year.
    All the best. You are a joy.
    McGuffy's Reader
    http://www.mcguffysreader.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your kind words. I have been called many things, but NEVER a joy! I'll take a look at your blog as soon as I can.

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  12. I laughed. It's a good post. I always say nice things to you, but I think you've left something out of your blog list; or maybe my eyes are getting worse. My feelings are so hurt I think I'll watch a movie.

    Love you maybe,
    Janie Junebuggery

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You'll have to speak to those higher up in Blogger than I am. If you click on my profile, you'll see WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME listed in the blogs I follow. I have no idea why it isn't on my sidebar. I'll see if I can get that corrected!

      Love you FOR SURE!!

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  13. Dear Fran, I have to say that I have a soft spot in my heart for Queen Elizabeth. I can remember seeing photographs of her during World War II when she was in the Girl Guides. I admired her greatly because she was only a few years older than I. I still admire her resilience and her commitment to her people.

    Having said this, I, too, wonder about those hats and that purse!

    Peace.

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    Replies
    1. I admire her too, but those hats & those purses! It's like a straight man setting up openings for a comic--we can't just let those pass us by!!

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  14. She has some unfortunate hats :)

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    Replies
    1. I wonder who ACTUALLY chooses her clothes?

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  15. Coming from a kingdom myself, looking back on all that, I really don't know how I feel. I agree with Dee about her commitment and resilience, while at the same time I feel a bit sorry for her, being sort of stuck there, among glittering jewels, silly hats, millions of hand shakes, and those dinners. I'm sure she never thought of herself as stuck. I wonder why we still have a king in Sweden, progressive as we are there. I think they feel it provides some stability. And some pomp of course to cheer the masses,

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    Replies
    1. If you HAVE to be stuck in some position, I guess being the Queen of England would be tolerable!!

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  16. I LOVE Chapeau Chateau, what a fabulous name for a hat store!
    I've always wondered abut the handbag too...perhaps it contains tissues in case the loo has run out of paper? More likely someone goes in there first to check the paper supply. So why the bag?

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    Replies
    1. I figure it's just another secret of the universe!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.