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Monday, April 7, 2014

WHAT IS SAID VS. WHAT IS MEANT



Sometimes what is said is not exactly what is meant  Some examples:

WHAT THINGS ON YOUR RESUME REALLY MEAN:

I know how to deal with stressful situations MEANS I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. 

I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills MEANS I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. 

i'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization MEANS I've used Microsoft Office.

I'm honest, hard-working and dependable MEANS I pilfer office supplies. 

My pertinent work experience includes MEANS I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. 

I'm extremely professional MEANS I carry a Day-Timer.

My background and skills match your requirements MEANS You're probably looking for someone more experienced. 

I am adaptable MEANS I've changed jobs a lot.

I am on the go MEANS I'm never at my desk. 

I'm highly motivated to succeed MEANS The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

I have formal training MEANS I'm a college drop-out. 

I interact well with co-workers MEANS I've been accused of sexual harassment. 

I look forward to hearing from you soon 
MEANS Like I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
Arcamax.com 


"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter." 
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." REALLY MEANS absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?" 
"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works." 
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." 

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." 

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?" 

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again." 

"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake?"

"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women." 

"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." 

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket." 

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?" 

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee." 

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." 

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving." 

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper." 

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again." 

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up." 

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

Arcamax.com



WHAT YOUR WOMAN SAYS REALLY MEANS:
What she says (after a minor disagreement): OK, fine.
What she means: I’m right. You’re wrong. End of discussion. I suggest you keep your mouth closed and move on to something else.

What she says (when asked how much longer to get dressed): Just five more minutes.
What she means: Um. You better call ahead and move our dinner reservations back another hour.


What she says:
 So what have you planned for our anniversary this year? Last year’s outing was so “special.”
What she means: You had better not take me back to Applebee’s again this year for our anniversary.


What she says:
 Oh, don’t worry about it. I took care of it.
What she means: I finally had to do it myself because you would never do it, even though you told me a dozen times to stop asking you about it.


What she says:
 So… what else is on TV?
What she means: Immediately change the channel from the game to The Lifetime Network, The Oprah Winfrey show, or The Food Network; otherwise I’ll be giving you the silent treatment for the next week.


What she says
(when asked what she wants for her birthday): Oh nothing. Just surprise me, honey.
What she means: Are you kidding me? You should already know what I want – it’s that diamond bracelet I’ve been hinting at for the past six months. And honey, if I don’t get it, you will be in the dog house!


What she says:
 I want to spend some time with you, sweetie.
What she means: I don’t want to have sex. I just want to cuddle.


What she says:
 
Do I look good in this outfit?
What she means: This is my favorite outfit. I splurged on it, so you better like it!
This could possibly lead to some confusion:






Wouldn’t your life be boring without me?----fishducky
 








22 comments:

  1. Not only would my life be infinitely more boring without you - I would laugh a lot less too. Megathanks.

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  2. Some of the cartoons really cracked me up.... "Cast the nets. I laughed the hardest. In fact, one of the funniest ones I've ever seen, maybe because I like my castanets. And that glass slipper one ....

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  3. When He says, "I"m Sorry," what he really MEANS is "now please shut up about it."
    Great collection...some of them entirely too true to the mark lol.

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  4. "I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills MEANS I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do."

    Yes, you rang?

    I don't get the .. if a sentence does not end as they potato… gets a giggle but I don't 'get it' … I'm confused

    Morning, Fran ;)

    get a long what… hahaaa

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    Replies
    1. if a sentence does not end as they potato…NOT getting it is the point!!

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  5. The resumes really struck me as funny having once supervised a lot of employees, I could relate.

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  6. As a former employer, the resumes made me smile ... and cringe remembering. :-)

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    Replies
    1. It's always good to have an expert opinion!!

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  7. That last one really cracked me up. I'm a big fan of irreverent humor.

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  8. This should be posted in every home to eliminate any confusion. As soon as I get my stupid computer working again it's going on my kitchen door!

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  9. Dear Fishducky, those play on words cartoons were a hoot--especially the "stool sample" one and the "cast the nets." I laughed out loud.

    I recently helped a neighbor's daughter with her resume. (I used to teach resume writing--years ago--at a community college.) She hesitated to say things a little differently from what she'd read on line. I explained how bored a personnel manager gets with reading the same old, same old. And I bet that same personnel manager could add to your list for what prospective employees mean when they say thus and so on a resume! Peace.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for another expert opinion!!

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  10. Thanks for all the chuckles here today. Communication can be a very tricky business! :)

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  11. So many of these are so true, especially the housework ones. He made the messes and I cleaned them up.
    Cinderella and the Prince had me laughing, although he does look rather good in those glass slippers.

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    Replies
    1. Isn't it amazing that they wore the same size?

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.