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Friday, June 6, 2014

ARF! ARF! ARF! (& AN OCCASIONAL MEOW)


A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. 

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats. 

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. 

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. 

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. 

I had to get rid of my husband. The dog  was allergic. 

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. 

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. 

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls? 

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"
"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that shit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.""But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.  A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this.  Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Sure. Get in line."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.


I've run this before--I love it!!


Cooper Loves Ice Cream 

This is sweet:
http://imgur.com/gallery/Epi2jlR

Borrowed from the chubby chatterbox:








I dressed up my dog as a mailman for Halloween. He bit himself----fishducky

 




8 comments:

  1. Lots of giggling going on here. LOVE the dog tease video.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dogs might have masters - but cats have slaves rather than staff. We don't get paid, and get no holidays.
    And lots of giggling here too. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm a poo slave. I don't mind.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's good to know you've found your niche in life!!

      Delete
  4. "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." This famous line from Groucho Marx has always made me laugh.

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.