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Monday, September 1, 2014

EVERY PROBLEM HAS A SOLUTION







Q: What does every woman call an intelligent, attractive, caring, loving and sensitive man?
A: A dream. 
Alternate answer: Monsignor
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Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" 

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" 

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"
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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
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A pre-med student had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" 

"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. 

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. 

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
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"My dog is so smart," says the first pet owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."
"I know," says the second owner.
"How do you know?"
"My dog told me."
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The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped." 

"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?" 

"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."
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Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." 

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
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An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started shuddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink? “Why not?” he replied, “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s having.” 
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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward. then backward, forward then backward, again and again.  Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.  Her heart was pounding; her face was flushed, she moaned, very softly at first, and then she began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK, I can't parallel park!!!  You do it, you smug bastard!!!"
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A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. 

At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road." 

The priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."


This required some patience on the mama’s part:
(Thanks to Susan at I Think Therefore I Yam)



Too expensive to get that door handle fixed?












If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  If you still don't succeed, give up.  No use being a damned fool about it----W. C. Fields (& fishducky)

 






36 comments:

  1. Curiosity killed the cat - but satisfaction brought it back. Loved the purr at the end too.
    And the practical focus of the third man killed in the wreck.
    Thanks Fran.

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    1. I have to admit that cat had more patience than I do!!

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  2. LoL! What a great way to start Monday! With loads of laughter! Thank you, as always :)

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  3. Replies
    1. You should see some of the ones that don't make it!!

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  4. This is my first visit to to your site, and I'm chuckling on this Monday morning. Thanks! I'll be back.

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    1. Welcome to the club--our meetings are Mondays & Fridays!!

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  5. Oh, Lordy - now I'm forever indebted to Janie Junebuy for telling me about your blog. I love it waaaaaay too much!

    Go, flipster, go!
    Cherdo

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    1. Someone with your obviously good taste is ALWAYS welcome here!!

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    2. I just popped over & read your post--I'm now a follower!!

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  6. Replies
    1. So did I!! I had forgotten to give Susan credit--I fixed that.

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  7. funny stuff. Happy Labor Day!!!

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  8. Some funny and some heartwarming! A delicious post, Fran! :)

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    1. I love it when my posts are delicious because I hardly cook at all anymore!!

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  9. Dear Fishducky, all of them lightened up my day, but I especially enjoyed the video of the intrepid and determined cat and the story of the three me and what they'd like people to say when they died. I laughed out loud at both of those. And speaking of determined and intrepid, I'd say those ducklings were both! Peace.

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    1. I hope you have lots of very light days!!

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  10. "My dog told me"

    I really laughed over that one. Thanks.

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    1. Has he told you any good jokes lately?

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  11. Never fond of math, I think that kid with the math problem said it like it is. I forgot, now I have to go and look at the videos.

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  12. Loved the dog joke of course but "Look he's moving," cracked me up.

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  13. I love the video of the cat with the box. The best part is when his rear is sticking out and his legs go up in the air.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I've been in that position a few times myself--but never trying to get into a box!!

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  14. Where do you find this stuf? I howled at the truck driver and the priest.

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    1. I told my husband that I could find absolutely anything on the internet. He asked me to have them look for his keys!!

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  15. Love the attorneys swapping sandwiches! And that guy who wanted to hear them say, "look he's moving!"

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  16. Closed due to short staff .. hahahaha

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    1. It wouldn't have happened if they had a height requirement--or step stools!!

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  17. I can relate to "aren't there enough problems in the world? " Funny stuff, fishducky!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.