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Friday, October 31, 2014

HOW'S YOUR HALLOWEEN GOING SO FAR?



(The first part of this post is from  February of last year.)

Garden Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.  Here's why.


A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants.  During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants.  When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.  She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.  About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.  He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.  His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.  About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.  That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.  Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.  The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just stopped by after shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him.  She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.  Breathe here...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department.  The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed.  Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

Several days later the couple was watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.  The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.
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Having a Bad Day?

Well, then, consider this.............. 

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. 

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. 

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. 
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day?


The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. 

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. 

Still Think You’re Having a Bad Day?


Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. 

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

And Still Think You're Having a Bad Day?


Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. 

There now, feeling better?
arcamax
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A skeleton walks down empty Main Street. Suddenly he sees another skeleton carrying a gravestone. "Hey, what are you doing?” The other skeleton answers, "Just strolling" "What's with the gravestone, buddy?" "I want to have some ID”. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've made a lot of Halloween costumes over the years, but there's only one I remember.  One year my 2 sons wanted to be Tweedledum & Tweedledee, from "Alice in Wonderland".  I used striped material from some old kitchen curtains.  Inside the waistband I sewed in some heavily coated electrical wire, which held its shape when bent. I made up their faces & they looked something like this, with the mandatory huge bellies:

For a Halloween candy trading guide,

WARNING:
These ideas are gross!!

Two great costume ideas:















Being kissed by a vampire is a pain in the neck----fishducky

 







26 comments:

  1. I knew there was an excellent reason why I don't like snakes.
    And a very happy Halloween to you and yours.

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  2. Replies
    1. I LOVED it--that's why I ran it again!!

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  3. A great collection of Halloween laughs.

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  4. Great post today for Halloween....love the picture of the dog and the baby as Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf.

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  5. I love the stories, bwahahahaha. Have a Happy Halloween!!!

    Where's the fishducky costume, eh?

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    1. Do you think I should Trick or Treat as a duck this year?

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  6. I needed a rest after that first snake one. You are right, "return to sender" did perk me up.
    All were delightfully funny but Charlie Sheen really cracked me up.

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    Replies
    1. Some posts are just funnier then others. Take a nap!1

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  7. I don't remember that first story. It's hilarious. I like the Jehovah's Witnesses card, too. Franklin has frightened away many Jehovah's Witnesses. They see him cursing them at the front door and the back away, their eyes wide. Then they run.

    Love,
    Janie

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  8. Llove toaster boy. happy Halloween!

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  9. Love your final line! The toaster boy is pretty good too. I meant to put up some cartoons for halloween but completely forgot. Most of them are here now, guess you and I are on the same wavelength.

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    Replies
    1. I am seldom, on anybody else's wavelength!!

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  10. A story of a whole lot of unintended consequences, it was really great.

    It was good we didn't make plans for Wed. we had some huge delays and everything got pushed around and we had to cancel the dentist. He really needed his teeth cleaned, maybe next time....

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  11. I went absolutely snaky reading all this. It's time to hibernate; I think I should head for my den. Which may, or may not, have a snake or two in it.

    Blessings and Bear hugs!

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    Replies
    1. An old fishducky adage--may your den be snakeless!!

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  12. OMG! These were great! Better late than never. I am always a step behind. ;)

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.