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Friday, November 28, 2014

PLEASE SIGN THE REGISTER, MR. FIDO


My friend, Barbara, is a dog nut, but she hasn't owned one in several years.  When we're out together & she sees someone with a dog, she always pets it, explaining to the owner that she needs a dog fix.  She  had a rescue cat, which she recently had to put down.  Barb lives across the street from our former beach condo.  Anyway, there was a small toy poodle that had been wandering through the complex, eating food that the neighbors would leave for her.  She thwarted all efforts to catch her, even by animal control.  Someone finally got her & brought her over to Barbara who, of course, kept her.  She said she looked like a dirty mop until the vet bathed her & checked her out.  She was surprisingly healthy & about a year old.  Barb's had a lot of problems in her life & with her health lately & she said she'd never get another dog.  This one is in love with her & follows her around like a baby duck so she's decided to keep her.  She needs a name, though. A blogging friend, Rita at Soul Comfort's Corner has a cat named Karma. I thought that would be a perfect name for this dog.  She likes it, but she has to run it by her family.  What do you think? Do you have any other suggestions?

If you are on my Ducky List you've seen the following story & video:


A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: “I would very much like to bring my dog with me .He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: “Sir: I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or steal pictures off the walls or use them as a coloring book. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at 
my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."


The rest of the post is about cats:








The past is unchangeable; the future is unknown and now is a gift--that's why it's called the present----fishducky

 






Wednesday, November 26, 2014

FOR THOSE OF US OF A CERTAIN AGE





(An email from Joe at crankyoldman.com)
An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!"
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An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in some way, seeing you standing here in the hot sun." 

After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front of your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down." The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. 

A little ways down the road, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red ‘Vette the high sign, meaning "you wanna drag?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. 

The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the road to intercept. "Car number 2, this is car number 1." "Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?" I got a red and yellow ‘Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?" "Ten-four, is there anything else?" "Yeah, you won't believe this, but there’s an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass."
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Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to John and said, "John, I'm really feeling my age today.   I just hurt all over.  How are you feeling?”  John replied, "I feel just like a new born babe"  Tim looked at him, startled.  "A new born babe, really?  "Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
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An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.  When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.  "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.  "I had to slap his face three times!"  "You mean he got fresh?"  "No," she answered, "I thought he was dead!" 
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To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, (2004) actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP (American Assoc. of Retired People). One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound of Music." However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience.  Here are the lyrics she recited:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things..

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then! I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, !
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
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(Some quotes from Phyllis Diller)

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
I had a pain beneath my left breast--turned out to be a trick knee.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.









Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow!!

Have you tried these?

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!" 





Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing----fishducky


 


Monday, November 24, 2014

KISSED BY A PENGUIN



(For Juli--a reworked post from 2012.)

If you love animals as much as I do, put a trip to the Galapagos Islands on your bucket list! We've traveled to a lot of places & had some wonderful vacations, but this was the absolute best.

The Galapagos Islands are off the coast of Ecuador.  We took a plane from California to Florida, then another plane from Florida to Ecuador.  From there we were shuttled to the islands in a small boat, disembarked & boarded our cruise ship.  It took a long time to get there, but it was well worth it.  These islands are where Charles Darwin studied the animals & developed his theory on the evolution of man.  Whether or not you subscribe to his theory, these islands are a MUST SEE!
  
It is illegal to kill, bother or even touch the animals so they have never developed a fear of man.  When our shuttle boat brought us to the pier, there were seals sprawled out on the steps.  They’d occasionally look up at you, but they lay there like giant blobs.  You had to carefully step over them.  After all, it’s their island, not yours—you’re just a visitor.  When you take this trip I recommend that you use a small cruise ship.  We used Lindblad Lines, which were great.  There were about 60 passengers.  A small ship like ours could go places that the larger ones couldn’t get into.  We “parked”, at one time, in the caldera of an extinct volcano. (A caldera is the depression that’s formed when a volcano collapses into itself. Nature then fills it with water.)  I loved when we crossed the equator.  They told us that we could tell when we were crossing because we would feel a small bump.  I think some people actually thought they felt that bump.

We traveled to each of the islands by a zodiac; a small power boat that held about 15 people.  Our guides (college students who were studying the islands) took us on walking tours.  We saw marine iguanas, Galapagos penguins (only 16-18” tall), beautiful red & yellow “Sally Lightfoot” crabs (named that because people thought  their color & movements looked like a cabaret dancer), seals (including lots of babies), giant tortoises (who can weigh 500 pounds & live over 150 years) & MANY other animals, some of which are found nowhere else on earth.  You had to step over or around these animals, too.  There were birds everywhere—some of them quite odd.  We saw red footed boobies & blue footed boobies.  We saw frigate birds puffing up their red neck sac to attract a mate.  You’ve heard the term, “a feast for the senses”—THIS WAS IT!!

On one island, my husband decided he didn’t feel like walking.  Instead, he said he would just sit on a large rock on the beach, wait for us & enjoy the beautiful sunshine.  He was just about to sit when the rock moved!  The “rock” was a large seal that turned his head to see who was sitting on him, not that the seal really cared!

We went snorkeling in wonderfully clear waters (there were also beautiful fish) & one woman had a penguin come right up to her, face to face, & touch (kiss?) her mask with his beak!  She told us a seal had a “kissed” her at the pier, too.

My husband originally wasn’t excited about going—he went because he knew I had always wanted to go.  He now agrees—THIS WAS OUR BEST TRIP EVER!!


This is the mating dance of the blue footed booby.
The male (who is smaller) also offers the female a stick.
If she accepts it, they are married:


Unfortunately I can't find the pictures I took 
with the exception of me & Bud on the zodiac below.  
The rest of the photos I found online.

There are hundreds of sea lions:

Who sleep wherever they want:

With no fear of man:

The tortoises are huge:

But the penguins are tiny:

There are "Sally Lightfoot" crabs:

Marine iguanas:

Beautiful fish:

And hammerhead sharks:

This frigate bird really wants a mate:

A red footed booby:

But the blue footed booby is my favorite 
of all the animals & birds we saw:

That's the end of today's nature tour.
How about some cartoons:







My husband has taken me around the world, but I always found my way home!----fishducky

 





















Friday, November 21, 2014

BE KIND TO STRANGERS



I can’t remember if I’ve told you this story before, but I can’t find it in my records.  My mind is usually like a steel trap.  I can remember every single thing!!  Why, just the other day…who’s calling, please?

Anyway, my friend was throwing a cocktail party in her apartment.  She finished preparing her platters & set them on the kitchen counter under the window.  Her guests were due in just under an hour.  Pleased to have everything done so early, she took a leisurely shower.  She got dressed, put on her makeup & returned to the kitchen.  It had started raining hard while she was showering & the window above the food was open.  The rain was coming through the dirty window screen & coating the food below.  She climbed on the counter to close the window.  She slipped on the wet, dirty counter, fell on the food & landed on the floor with a sore ankle!!

The phone rang & she limped over to answer it.  She cried & complained at length to the caller about her guest’s imminent arrival, the ruined food, her now dirty clothes & her sore ankle..  The caller responded with short, sympathetic comments & let her continue ranting & raving.  After several minutes, she realized she didn’t know who she was talking to.  After checking, it turned out to be a wrong number.  She asked the man why he had continued to listen to her complain when he didn’t even know her.  He said that she obviously was having such a bad night, he didn’t have the heart to interrupt!!
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A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt Vaseline, would you tell anyone?"  "Hell no!" the guy said.  The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"  The man said, "Of course not."  The stranger asked, "Wanna go camping?"
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The next time you’re in an elevator with half a dozen strangers, turn & say, “I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve called this meeting!!”----fishducky