Wednesday, November 19, 2014


(Mostly, but not all, stuff from old posts.)

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."


After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers: 

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: "The autopilot doesn't." 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Courtesy Qantas

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."

Early in Bud's law practice, he had to go to a small town about 100 miles outside of Kansas City, Kansas, for a client.  He flew into Kansas City & then had to rent a small plane to go the rest of the way, which, shall we say, did not thrill him.  He called a charter service & was told they had three planes that he could choose from.  They said they had a single engine plane which could hold five passengers.  They also had two two engine planes, one of which carried seven passengers & the other nine.  He said he'd take the biggest one.  The clerk said, "Fine" & asked him how many people would be flying.  Bud told him "One."  He was told that would be a waste of money for one person & asked why he wanted the largest plane.  My husband, who is nothing if not logical, asked, "I assume the biggest plane is the most expensive, right?"  He was told it was.  He continued, "Then I also assume your best & most experienced pilot will be flying it, right?"  Right again. That's the one he took!!

When I was in high school I took an aeronautics class to satisfy a science requirement.  I loved the class & not just because I was the only girl.  The teacher used to greet the class every morning by saying, "Good morning, boys & girl!!"

                                            An oldie (but very goody) for you:

The Monty Python Flying Sheep sketch:

My favorite note from a child:

A bunch of new cartoons:

I’ve already traveled all over the world; next year I’m going someplace else----fishducky



  1. Big, big smiles.
    And I love the 'Tray up, Bitch' line. I am always happy to see the self-important cut down to size.

  2. Best Gate Agent EVER!
    Love the Tray up, Bitch, that one always gets me smiling.
    Now I'm wondering just exactly where you might go next year, since you've already traveled the world. Wherever it is, please take your camera with a 32GB memory card, because we landlubbers are curious about what's out there.

    1. I haven't traveled with a camera since our trip to the Galapagos Islands. If I can find those pics, I'll post them--the Animals were AMAZING!!

    2. Yes, please... Galapagos is one place I've always wanted to go. I'll likely never get there, but I'd love to see it through your eyes!

    3. I couldn't find the pics, but you inspired me to do a post--coming VERY soon!!

  3. I've seen these before but they still make me laugh.

    1. I try to run new stuff, but MANY things deserve a rerun--like us!!

  4. "Tray up, Bitch." gotta love it. If I ever am forced into a plane I hope that flight attendant is on duty.

  5. If you want someone to fly you to the moon, check with Richard Branson.

    Blessings and Bear hugs!

    1. Actually, I would LOVE to do that!! I've already taken a zero-gravity flight. (See http://fishducky.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-day-i-flew-like-superman.html)

  6. Thanks for my Wednesday Chuckles....I was on a Southwest flight when an attendant reminded everyone that there was no smoking on the plane, and anyone caught smoking would be put out on the wings.

  7. Outranked! Love it! These were great, Fran! :):)

  8. I can only imagine what I'd think if a saw my pilot with a copy of "Flying for Dummies."

    1. How about your heart surgeon with a copy of "Operating for Dummies"?

  9. Followed the link on Janie June Bug's blog, and so glad I did. That's some funny stuff!! Thanks for sharing :)

    1. I try to have funny stuff on (almost) every post. Welcome to the club--glad you could attend the meeting!!

  10. It might be old stuff, but it was new to me - I especially love the P and S. Well done, lass.

    1. Even old jokes are new if you haven'y heard them before!!

  11. Love the Problem and Solution.


Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.