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Monday, November 10, 2014

JOAN OF ARC: THE REAL STORY







(With apologies to http://joanofarc.us/joan_of_arc_life_story.html)


Joanie was born in a small French village in 1412.  Her father was Jacques d'Arc & her mother was Isabelle Romee.  Her life story starts when she was born, as does everyone's.  It was not until 1424 that Joan of Arc experienced her first vision.  She was twelve years old & was out in a field alone, munching mushrooms & smoking something which historians have been unable to identify.  She was hiding from her mother, who insisted that she turn off the TV & empty the dishwasher.  Joanie felt that this request was unreasonable, since neither had yet been invented. However, she later said that Saint Michael, Saint Catherine & Saint Margaret told her to drive the English out of France.  She didn't have a driver's license, but that she was willing to do.

Four years later, she hitched a ride to Vaucouleurs, where she petitioned the garrison commander to permit her to visit the French royal court.  She was refused initially, but she flashed her fake ID, batted her eyelashes & made a prediction about a military reversal near Orleans.  After news from the front confirmed her prediction, she made her way to the royal court where she greatly impressed Charles VII, whose mother-in-law was financing a relief expedition to Orleans so she could attend the Mardi Gras.  Joanie joined the army, took the extended OCS class & became a general.

Through several battles during the Siege of Orleans, Joanie showed herself to have a way of thinking that countered with what other war leaders had thought was the best course of action. In other words, "My way or the highway!!"  With her, the French were able to capture the outlying fortresses of Saint Loup & Saint Jean le Blanc (named after a distant cousin of Mel Blanc).  Then, even athough the war council chose not to do another assault on the enemy, she rode with one captain & captured the fortress of Saint Augustins.  

During her battles, she took an arrow to the neck as well as a cannonball to her helmet.  From June to September, the French army pushed towards Paris, where she also took a crossbow bolt to the leg but kept fighting, due mainly to poor insurance coverage.  The next morning she received royal orders to withdraw.

A minor skirmish on May 23, 1430, would lead to her downfall.  Hoping to at least secure a recurring role in M*A*S*H*, she ordered a retreat & stood her ground until she was the last to leave the field.  She was captured as a result, & since her family could (or would) not pay her ransom (her mother was saving money for the day that the TV & the dishwasher would finally be invented) & because of Charles VII not intervening, she was put on trial.  With her attorney unable to make any deal for her, the trial began on January 9, 1431. Joanie was found guilty of heresy & burned at the stake.  Crowds cheered & roasted wieners & made s'mores on her bonfire.  Her conviction was reversed twenty five years later, but by then it was too late to do her much good.


































You’re just jealous because the voices always liked me more than you----fishducky

 


26 comments:

  1. LOVE that last cartoon. And if only my voices could be silenced that easily...

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    1. The voices MUST speak--actually, some of mine play a mean jazz trumpet!!

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  2. What? WHo said that? Where are you? Hello!

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    1. Relax,you'll be fine--just don't argue with them!!

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  3. Ah, fighting topless. The oldest trick in the book :)

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    1. I wouldn't try it--, somehow it never worked as well for men!!

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  4. Funny. It's hard to believe she was only made a saint in 1901. They make people saints much more quickly these days.

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    1. It's the new technology--today they have speed-sainting!!

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  5. Love the one with "Is it me or is it hot in here". Such a great quote for women who are occasionally overtaken by hot flashes. I've decided you are a certifiably crazy lady!

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    1. Actually, the doctor my husband brought me to certified me SANE!!

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    2. Fishducky is a sane person who is crazy funny.

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    3. If I could only get my husband to believe that!!

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  6. A very concise and well-detailed story. (Some strange bits of anachronism, but we'll let those slide.)

    "Now the flames they followed joan of arc
    As she came riding through the dark;
    No moon to keep her armour bright,
    No man to get her through this very smoky night."
    ~ Leonard Cohen

    Blessings and Bear hugs, in a hot time.

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    1. I have been said to be a bit of an anachronism, myself--thanks for the poem!! I had never heard it.

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    2. That's just the beginning of the song. The rest is here:
      www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHjnjIbwvGI
      You may find it a bit much if you're not accustomed to Cohen.

      Blessings and Bear hugs!

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    3. Very different than most songs--interesting!!

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  7. Well you made history come alive for me and I had a few laughs.
    Merle....................

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  8. Maybe Joan could have been helped by a good psychiatrist.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Maybe--my voices never spoke much to mine!!

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  9. Interesting life that girl had. Not the sort of thing I would have done. I'd be the one reading about it and hoping the battles stayed away from my town.
    The only voice in my head is mine. She's a bit of a bore too, constantly reminding me of what i should be doing.

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    1. Are you sure your voice doesn't even have imaginary friends?

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  10. Great sense of humor.

    "Her life story starts when she was born, as does everyone's. It was not until 1424 that Joan of Arc experienced her first vision. She was twelve years old & was out in a field alone, munching mushrooms & smoking something which historians have been unable to identify."

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    1. Thank you--what I write has to amuse ME before I publish it!!

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  11. So funny! I always did wonder about poor Joan. She definitely had conviction of her purpose, though. ;)

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.