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Friday, December 19, 2014

HOW TO WRITE






I'm confused profused confused.  Can you be quettish all by yourself or do you have to be coquettish? If you can deplane or detrain, why can't you decopter or deship? If you don't really care any more, will you argue lentlessly? If you follow all the rules of good behavior, are you corrigible? If there are only two of you in the world, wouldn't you be bique instead of uni? If you enroll in a class & then leave, why haven't you exrolled? If a truce is called to a conflict, are the parties now merely flicted? If you're not inane, inept or decrepit, why aren't you ane, ept or crepit? If something makes sense, is it a sequiter? Why do "flammable" & "inflammable" & "ravel" & "unravel" mean the same thing? Isn't that a waste of words? If you think about something & then decide it's correct, haven't you come to a proclusion instead of a con?  And I didn’t even get to the suffixes!!  Don't worry if you can't answer these questions. We can't ALL be brilliant!!

A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

How to Write Good

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agrees with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locations that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.


Thirty nine. Be consistent.

40. Last but not least, avoid clichés like the plague; they're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
villanova.edu

Click here for a fun article, "How to Write a Sentence."





















The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with----fishducky


 



29 comments:

  1. Big smiles here today - thank you.
    And why do we never come across gruntled people in this the happiest season of them all...?

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    1. Don't bother looking for them at the Post Office!!

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  2. Replies
    1. Thank you--I have tried to make a rite out of writing right!!

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  3. My goodness, so much advice, that it will be hard to jam it all into my head! I'll have to print it off to digest it, FD. Thanks for the giggles!

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    Replies
    1. Do NOT try to jam it all into your head--it will explode!!

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  4. I usually love your posts, but how do you expect me to read and think at the same time?

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    Replies
    1. Why is that necessary? I NEVER write & think at the same time!!

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  5. Absolutely LOVED this post, but don't come to my blog expecting strict adherence to the rules of proper writing--ROFL! Creative license is monumental in my world--LOL! ;)

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    1. Creative license--that's a synonym for lying, isn't it?

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    2. I think of it as license for creative spelling, grammar, and punctuation--LOL! Especially punctuation on my blog.

      I wrote creative nonfiction in college. To me it just meant that I told the story to the best of MY memory...which is subjective and isn't totally accurate, of course...just ask someone else who was there and they will have their own version of the truth. Creative nonfiction also allows you to relay conversations to the best of your memory. But I truly tried to be as honest as humanly possible. These days one could whip out their cell phone and make an accurate record, I suppose. ;)

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    3. NEVER take a smartass seriously!!

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    4. LOL! My tongue is usually in my cheek. ;)

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  6. This post left me dazed and amazed. You know, I have forgotten all the rules of English grammar, but what a wonderful language it is, you don't need all that. You can just write and usually it comes out OK. Try that with German anyone!

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    Replies
    1. It would be impossible for me to write in German--I have to leave that to people who can speak German!!

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  7. The first one was my favorite! Have a wonderful weekend!

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  8. But I love alliteration! Love the B.C. cartoon about not having books by writers.

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    Replies
    1. An authentic author always looks askance at assorted alliteration!!

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  9. Fun post, and I can relate to more than one of the funnies.

    When our younger son was about four years old, he kept calling himself "couth." Cracked us up every time he did it.

    HAPPY HOLIDAYS to you and your family!

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  10. Guilty as charged for pretty much all of the above. Sigh.

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  11. I'd be happy to stop dangling my participles if I knew what a participle was.
    And (ahem) what exactly does employ the vernacular mean?
    Ha Ha @ #26
    I don't understand most of that list, guess I didn't go far enough in school.
    analogy-isn't that me sneezing at pollen? (*~*)

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    Replies
    1. Best definition of analogy I've ever heard--but commentors are not supposed to be funnier than the poster!!

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  12. Those are some good points.
    You are right, every one wants to write, except writers. LOL

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.