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Friday, March 14, 2014

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE, BUT I WASN'T ALWAYS PERFECT


Oh, I'm perfect now, but I wasn't always.  Some examples:

When I was about 4--I remember being perfect until that time--my brother was ill & the doctor was coming over to examine him. (Ask your parents what the archaic term “house call” means.  Or your grandparents.)  I was in our backyard doing some genteel ladylike thing such as climbing a tree or possibly digging a hole.  My mother came & got me & dragged led me into the house so she could clean me up in preparation for the doctor’s visit.  She took a washcloth & scrubbed my face.  This did not go over too well with me.  According to my mother, I screamed at her, “PUT THAT DIRT BACK ON MY FACE!!

When we were first married, Bud was in the Army & we lived off of the post.  We had invited some friends for dinner & I decided to make my first peach pie.  It came out runny--too runny to be a pie but not loose enough to be a cobbler.  We told them it was a "peach piebler".  They thought it was delicious!!


I probably shouldn't have let the cat help:


When our oldest son, Matt, was in the first or second grade he came home from school almost every day with something pinned to his shirt by his teacher, such as a notice for a bake sale or something I had to sign & return.  I got so tired of this that one day I pinned a note on his shirt myself & sent him to school.  It said, "Post No Bills".  It didn't work.

We used to go to Acapulco with friends every year.  We always stayed at Hotel Las Brisas.  Las Brisas consists of about 250 “casitas” (little free-standing houses).  Each one has its own fenced in privacy pool where you could go skinny dipping without being seen by anyone.  Early every morning someone would come, clean out the old flowers & toss a few fresh hibiscuses in the pool.  (One day I told Bud I was very upset that I couldn’t use the pool yet.  He asked me why & I told him the flower man was late.  Yesterday’s flowers were still in the pool!)  Bud & I had finished our room service lunch & had put the tray outside the gate so it could be picked up & we could skinny dip without interruptions.  Someone came to get the tray & I heard some rattling of dishes & glassware.  We had been married between 20 & 25 years at the time, but as they say, old habits die hard.  When I heard the noise outside the gate & realized we were naked & in the pool together, I had a terrifying thought: “Oh, my God, my MOTHER is coming!”


When X-rated movies first came out, I decided I had to see one, just to find out what they were like.  I don't remember what movie it was but I didn't care for it very much.  What really bothered me, though, was the guy that followed me out of the theater & asked me if I had enjoyed the movie!!  (A friend of ours went to an X-rated movie around the same time, for the same reason. He went at 3:00 am so he wouldn't run into anyone he knew.  In the lobby on the way out, he ran into his father.)


In my 40's I decided to find out what all the hullabaloo was about pot, so I called my niece (who I knew used it) to get some for my upcoming visit.  She & her boyfriend attached a joint to the filter end of one of my cigarettes.  (I was very delicate.)  We all lit up & I got very relaxed & sort of dreamy.  We were carrying on a conversation & I could participate almost fully.  My only problem was that I could remember everything that was said--except what was said in the last minute or so.  If they asked me a question, they would have to wait a minute or so for my brain to register & me to answer.  I didn't like that feeling & I never used it again.  Which brings to mind the question, "How much pot could a pot roast roast if a pot roast could roast pot?"























My electronic anklet only goes off when I cross state lines---fishducky