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Friday, April 11, 2014

AN OPEN LETTER TO HER MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH II OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND


(One of my first posts--June, 2012)


Dear Liz,

I’m sorry I haven’t written for a while, but things have been a bit hectic here.  You know how that can get!  Since we are so close, I hope you can clear up a few questions that my friends & I have.

Your mommy died in 2002.  You have my sympathy.  Is there someone else who now holds the position of “Person in Charge of Dressing the Queen Funny”?  You always wear a hat—in this day & age, it is not necessary.  Someone said that you have so many hats you must have a special castle to keep them in.  She called it the “Chapeau Chateau”.
 “Rumble in the Jungle” 

 “Robin Hood”

 “Alice in Wonderland” 

  A gold lame schmata? 

A lot of people think their dogs are
special, too, but they haven’t crowned them.

  I like this one—it goes with the dress.


Maybe you should put your hat back on!

I'm not one to criticize,
but it looks like you got dressed in a big hurry.
Your face is upside down!
         
          And you’re constantly carrying a purse.  Why?  I’m pretty sure you’re never carded.  I don’t mean to be insulting, but I would never take you for being under 21.  Do you need to have your driver’s license with you to cash a check or in case one of the carriage horses breaks a leg & you don’t feel like walking home, so you have to rent a car?  Do you make sure when you go out that you have the keys to the castle with you?  (I guess it would be embarrassing to have to climb through a royal window.)  Doesn’t your Lady-in-Waiting carry tissues?  Your lipstick?  Altoids?  Don’t tell me you’re a secret smoker!

Surely you don’t need a purse at a casual occasion like this!
           
            I understand that you have an employee whose sole job is to pull your chair into or out from under the dining table when you wish to be seated or stand up.  I further understand that once, at a state dinner, you stood & then leaned forward to speak to a guest.  He had already pulled out your chair when you decided to sit down again.  He failed to read your mind & you sat down—on a chair that wasn’t there!  Your Royal Bottom (or “bum” as they say on your side of the pond) came in contact with the floor.  Bud plays these little jokes on me all the time.  Please do NOT write me to say this is not true.  I like the story & will continue to believe it.

            I have it on very good authority (digitaljournal.com) that your grandsons, William & Harry, once changed the outgoing message on your phone to say, “Hey, wassup?” & that they also put this message on your answering machine: “This is Liz.  Sorry I’m away from the throne.  For a hotline to Philip, press one.  For Charles, press two.  And for the corgis, press three.”  This is why I’m reluctant to have my grandchildren touch my cell phone.

              This story about you & President Reagan is making the rounds.  Is it true?

       The Queen of England decides she wants a Kentucky thoroughbred in the royal stable, so she calls President Reagan, who decides to meet her in Lexington, Kentucky.  When they get there, they decide to go for a ride.

       They're just pulling out of the barn when the Queen's horse's tail goes up and "Lbbttt!" — out comes a monstrous fart.  The Queen says, "I'm so embarrassed!"  Reagan says, "You shouldn't be! I thought it was the horse!"

            Even though you are the Queen of England, it’s nice to know that in your heart of hearts, you’re just a normal person:
 I thought the proper etiquette 
was to remove one’s glove first.
           
            Everything is as well as can be expected here.  I’ll write if I find work.  Hope all is well with you & Phil.  Say “Hi” to those zany kids of yours for me & give the puppies a kiss.  xoxoxo----fishducky
         PS—It might be a good idea to tone down that “I’m the richest person in the world” attitude a tad—just sayin’:

                      

               PPS--Have you ever thought of playing Helen Mirren in a movie?  I think you’d be great!\