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Monday, May 5, 2014

DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT...?

Before I forget--if you follow Juli at Surviving Boys and are having trouble getting there, try this link:





A doctor calls his patient and says, "The check you gave me for my bill came back."

The patient replied, "So did my arthritis!"
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The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!"
 
He then taped it to his office door.
 
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." 

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
 

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
 

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
 

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

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After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" 

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded. "We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman. 

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?" 


The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

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A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem. 

"Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
 

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."
 

"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
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Two guys are walking. The first one says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says. 

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says. 

"Oh," says the second guy. 

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" 

"See what?" the second guy asks. 

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." 

"Oh." 

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" 

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!" 

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
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 It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man climbed in to bed for the first time with his new bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do on your wedding night?" 

"Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "She told me everything."

 
"Good," said the old man as he turned out the light, "Because I've forgotten."
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From my son, Matt, for Cinco de Mayo:







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This 8 month old's daddy is actually 
ripping up a job rejection form!!






Why do seagulls fly over the sea?  If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels----fishducky