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Monday, June 2, 2014

THINKING UNDER PRESSURE






Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00”
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Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Caliber Pistol!  This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an "itsy bitsy shooter" by a woman facing a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself? The 25 caliber Beretta Jetfire.
Here's her story:
“While out hiking in Alberta, Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge
grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today! Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  It's one of the best pistols in my collection.”
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Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive, but nothing seemed to work. 
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. 

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. 

"Yes, I do," the patient replied.
 
"Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger & out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" 

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
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Q. How do you know when a man is going to say something smart?
A. He starts with "My wife said..."
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A guy approached a beautiful looking woman in a mall and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the mall. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Sure, but why?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere!!"
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During a robbery, one of the robber’s masks slid down.  He looked at a man and asked, “Did you see my face?”  The man said, “Yes!”  The robber shot him.

Then he asked a woman, “Did you see my face?”  She said, “No, but my husband over there did!!”
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Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank & asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping & gives the man the $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors & asks to settle up his loan & get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, & $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check & starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiles & asks, "Where else could I find a safe place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks & pay only $15.40?"
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In 1979 Treasure Secretary Michael Blumenthal found himself in an embarrassing situation in Beethoven's, an expensive San Francisco restaurant.  Blumenthal was confronted with a sizable dinner bill, an expired Visa card, and a waiter who wanted proof of signature to back up an out-of-town check. Blumenthal solved his predicament in a way only he could: He produced a dollar bill and pointed out his own signature, W. M. Blumenthal, in the bottom right-hand corner.  The signatures matched, and Blumenthal's personal check was accepted.
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This is what happens when nobody thinks:

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window & said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving & I’m pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

The driver thought for a minute & said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him--he's a smart ass when he's drunk & stoned." The guy pipes up from the back seat & says, "I TOLD you guys that we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" 

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk & a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
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“At the tone, the time will be now.”----AT&T (& fishducky)