Monday, September 1, 2014


Q: What does every woman call an intelligent, attractive, caring, loving and sensitive man?
A: A dream. 
Alternate answer: Monsignor

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" 

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" 

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

A pre-med student had to take a difficult class in physics. One day, the professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" 

"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. 

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted. 

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
"My dog is so smart," says the first pet owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."
"I know," says the second owner.
"How do you know?"
"My dog told me."

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped." 

"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?" 

"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." 

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started shuddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink? “Why not?” he replied, “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s having.” 

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward. then backward, forward then backward, again and again.  Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.  Her heart was pounding; her face was flushed, she moaned, very softly at first, and then she began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK, I can't parallel park!!!  You do it, you smug bastard!!!"
A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. 

At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road." 

The priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

This required some patience on the mama’s part:
(Thanks to Susan at I Think Therefore I Yam)

Too expensive to get that door handle fixed?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  If you still don't succeed, give up.  No use being a damned fool about it----W. C. Fields (& fishducky)