Melynda at Life Happens sent me this email--thanks, Mel!!
FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THE RULESSoutherners know their summer weather report:HumidityHumidityHumiditySoutherners know their vacation spots:The beachThe rivuhThe crickSoutherners know everybody's first name:HoneyDahlin'ShugahSoutherners know the movies that speak to their hearts:Fried Green TomatoesDriving Miss DaisySteel MagnoliasGone With The WindSoutherners know their religions:BapdissMethdissFootballSoutherners know their cities dripping with Southern charm:Chawl'stnS'vanahFoat WuthN'awlinsAddlannaSoutherners know their elegant gentlemen:Men in uniformMen in tuxedosRhett ButlerSouthern girls know their prime real estate:The MallThe Country ClubThe Beauty SalonSouthern girls know the 3 deadly sins:Having bad hair and nailsHaving bad mannersCooking bad foodOnly a Southerner knows the difference betweena hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that youdon't "HAVE" them,you "PITCH" them.Only a Southerner knows how manyfish, collard greens,turnip greens, peas, beans, etc.,make up "a mess."Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."Even Southern babies know that"Gimme some sugar" is not arequest for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a prettylittle bowlin the middle of the table.All Southerners know exactlywhen "by and by" is.They might not use the term,but they knowthe concept well.Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solacefor a neighbor who's gottroubleis a plate of hot fried chickenand abig bowl of cold potato salad.If the neighbor'strouble is a real crisis,they also know to add a large banana puddin'!Only Southerners grow upknowing the difference between"right near"and "a right far piece."They also know that" just down the road"can be 1 mile or 20.Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference betweena redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.A Southerner knows that fixin' can be used asa noun, a verb, or an adverb.Only Southerners make friendswhile standing in lines,... and when we're "in line,"... we talkto everybody!Put 100 Southerners in a roomand half of them will discoverthey're related, even if only by marriage.In the South, y'all is singular,andall y'all is plural.Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits,and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food;that scrambled eggs just ain't right without Tabasco,and fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.When you hear someone say,"Well, I caught myself lookin',"you know you are in the presenceof a genuine Southerner!Only true Southerners say"sweet tea" and "sweet milk."Sweet tea indicates the need for sugarand lots of it --we do not like ourtea unsweetened."Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at littleold ladieswho drive 30 MPH on the freeway.You just say,"Bless her sweet little heart"... and go your own way.To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness:Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.Bless your little heart!And to those of you who are still having a hard time understandingall this Southern stuff...bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classeson Southernness as a second language!Southern girls know men may come and go,but friends are fah-evah!There ain't no magazine named "Northern Living" for good reason. There ain't nobody interested in livin' up north andnobody would buy the magazine!Now Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they hada been!If you're a Northern transplant,bless your little heart, fake it.We know you got here as fast as you could.
This is Man Martin's post of 1/14/14:
Recently I took a fascinating on-line quiz asking me what expressions I use for common, everyday items. The result came back showing I'm a Southerner, which is pretty useless considering I know I'm a Southerner, but still, it was strangely gratifying. It occurred to me, however, that what's needed is not someone telling Southerners words we already know, but a Southerner to tell outsiders words they don't know. This is less a problem, perhaps, in Atlanta than elsewhere, since this is a fairly cosmopolitan city, but in the more rural areas, there must be a good deal of avoidable confusion among Yankees who don't understand the local terminology; therefore, in the interests of the greater good, I offer this short list.
What you call "saturated fat, sodium, cholesterol, carbohydrates, and sucrose," we call "comfort food."
What you call "polenta," we call "grits."
What you call "assertive" we call "rude."
What you call "morbidly obese," we call, "big boned."
What you call "reckless endangerment" we call "driving."
You say "c--- s------ m-----f------ son of a w---- b---- m---------- a--h---," we say, "bless his heart."
What you call "redneck kooks," we call "neighbors."
What you call "crazy redneck kook nut-jobs," we call "relatives."
ON A DIFFERENT SUBJECT:
Some of my poems are in an anthology that was just published. It's called "Old Broads Waxing Poetic". This is the cover. To order from Amazon, click here.
We were asked to write a very short essay or poem about our favorite old broad in our blogs today. Here's mine:
My youngest son was 51 this year. I am 36. The best way to explain this anomaly is to tell you about something that I read in one of Kirk Douglas’ books. A “senior” movie actress was being interviewed. The reporter said, “Forgive me, Madame, but I have to ask. Your son (who was also a star) admits to being 56. You claim to be 63. How can this be?” Her answer (& mine): “He has his life—I have mine!”
Thanks for helping make this a very broad celebration!
To celebrate its release, each old broad featured in this book is blogging about her favorite old broad today, and we invite each of you to tell us a little something about your favorite old broad in the comments. Please feel free to spread the word about our Favorite Old Broadfest on Facebook and Twitter. Oh, and if you're still offended by the term broad, I apologize. If you'd prefer, you can tell us about your favorite older woman... how's that? Oh yeah, and one of you who comments about your fave broad will be winning a free copy of our book. Cool, huh? (It really IS a cool book... not only is it filled with some fun poetry, but all proceeds from its sale are going to CARE International.)
Now then, let me introduce you to the other broads, so you can follow their blogs, too. (Like I said, they're ALL terrific.)
NOTE: Technically, Michael isn't a broad. He's a guy. A very nice guy who used that lovely image from Francesco Romoli to create our cover for us, so you could say, as an important member of our team, he's an honorary broad. With hairy legs.
Help spread the word on Facebook and Twitter throughout the week to earn bonus points. Also, please indicate where you posted about your favorite old broad, so we're sure to find it. The winner will be announced next .
Thanks for helping make this a very broad celebration!
Y'all come back again, heah?----fishducky