(With apologies to http://joanofarc.us/joan_of_arc_life_story.html)
Joanie was born in a small French village in 1412.
Her father was Jacques d'Arc & her mother was Isabelle Romee.
Her life story starts when she was born, as does everyone's. It was
not until 1424 that Joan of Arc experienced her first vision. She was
twelve years old & was out in a field alone, munching mushrooms &
smoking something which historians have been unable to identify. She was
hiding from her mother, who insisted that she turn off the TV & empty the
dishwasher. Joanie felt that this request was unreasonable, since neither
had yet been invented. However, she later said that Saint Michael, Saint
Catherine & Saint Margaret told her to drive the English out of France. She didn't have a driver's license, but that she was willing to do.
Four years later, she hitched a ride to
Vaucouleurs, where she petitioned the garrison commander to permit her to visit
the French royal court. She was refused initially, but she flashed her
fake ID, batted her eyelashes & made a prediction about a military reversal
near Orleans. After news from the front confirmed her prediction, she
made her way to the royal court where she greatly impressed Charles VII, whose
mother-in-law was financing a relief expedition to Orleans so she could attend
the Mardi Gras. Joanie joined the army, took the extended OCS class &
became a general.
Through several battles during the Siege of
Orleans, Joanie showed herself to have a way of thinking that countered with
what other war leaders had thought was the best course of action. In other
words, "My way or the highway!!" With her, the French were able
to capture the outlying fortresses of Saint Loup & Saint Jean le Blanc (named after a
distant cousin of Mel Blanc). Then, even athough the war council chose not to do
another assault on the enemy, she rode with one captain & captured the
fortress of Saint Augustins.
During her battles, she took an arrow to the
neck as well as a cannonball to her helmet. From June to September, the
French army pushed towards Paris, where she also took a crossbow bolt to the
leg but kept fighting, due mainly to poor insurance coverage. The next
morning she received royal orders to withdraw.
A minor skirmish on May 23, 1430, would lead to her downfall. Hoping to at least secure a recurring role in M*A*S*H*, she ordered a retreat & stood her ground until she was the last to
leave the field. She was captured as a result, & since her family
could (or would) not pay her ransom (her mother was saving money for the day
that the TV & the dishwasher would finally be invented)
& because of Charles VII not intervening, she was put on trial. With
her attorney unable to make any deal for her, the trial began on January 9,
1431. Joanie was found guilty of heresy & burned at the stake. Crowds
cheered & roasted wieners & made s'mores on her bonfire. Her
conviction was reversed twenty five years later, but by then it was too late to
do her much good.
You’re just
jealous because the voices always liked me more than you----fishducky
