(With apologies to http://joanofarc.us/joan_of_arc_life_story.html)
Joanie was born in a small French village in 1412. Her father was Jacques d'Arc & her mother was Isabelle Romee. Her life story starts when she was born, as does everyone's. It was not until 1424 that Joan of Arc experienced her first vision. She was twelve years old & was out in a field alone, munching mushrooms & smoking something which historians have been unable to identify. She was hiding from her mother, who insisted that she turn off the TV & empty the dishwasher. Joanie felt that this request was unreasonable, since neither had yet been invented. However, she later said that Saint Michael, Saint Catherine & Saint Margaret told her to drive the English out of France. She didn't have a driver's license, but that she was willing to do.
Four years later, she hitched a ride to Vaucouleurs, where she petitioned the garrison commander to permit her to visit the French royal court. She was refused initially, but she flashed her fake ID, batted her eyelashes & made a prediction about a military reversal near Orleans. After news from the front confirmed her prediction, she made her way to the royal court where she greatly impressed Charles VII, whose mother-in-law was financing a relief expedition to Orleans so she could attend the Mardi Gras. Joanie joined the army, took the extended OCS class & became a general.
Through several battles during the Siege of Orleans, Joanie showed herself to have a way of thinking that countered with what other war leaders had thought was the best course of action. In other words, "My way or the highway!!" With her, the French were able to capture the outlying fortresses of Saint Loup & Saint Jean le Blanc (named after a distant cousin of Mel Blanc). Then, even athough the war council chose not to do another assault on the enemy, she rode with one captain & captured the fortress of Saint Augustins.
During her battles, she took an arrow to the neck as well as a cannonball to her helmet. From June to September, the French army pushed towards Paris, where she also took a crossbow bolt to the leg but kept fighting, due mainly to poor insurance coverage. The next morning she received royal orders to withdraw.
A minor skirmish on May 23, 1430, would lead to her downfall. Hoping to at least secure a recurring role in M*A*S*H*, she ordered a retreat & stood her ground until she was the last to leave the field. She was captured as a result, & since her family could (or would) not pay her ransom (her mother was saving money for the day that the TV & the dishwasher would finally be invented) & because of Charles VII not intervening, she was put on trial. With her attorney unable to make any deal for her, the trial began on January 9, 1431. Joanie was found guilty of heresy & burned at the stake. Crowds cheered & roasted wieners & made s'mores on her bonfire. Her conviction was reversed twenty five years later, but by then it was too late to do her much good.
You’re just jealous because the voices always liked me more than you----fishducky