(Mostly, but not all, stuff from old posts.)
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:
1. On a Continental Flight with a very
"senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin
lights. This is for your comfort, and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
2. On landing the stewardess said, "There
may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop
at Washington National, a lone voice came
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
4. After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant
on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."
5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, masks will descend from the
ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite."
aJokeADay.com
After
every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys
to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight
that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the
problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what
remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems
as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers:
(P =
the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action
taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: "The autopilot doesn't."
S: "IT DOES NOW."
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: "The autopilot doesn't."
S: "IT DOES NOW."
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Courtesy Qantas
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the
aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put
your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely
well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you
didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am
called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray up, Bitch."
humour.200ok.com
Early in Bud's law practice, he had to go to a small
town about 100 miles outside of Kansas City, Kansas, for a client. He
flew into Kansas City & then had to rent a small plane to go the rest of
the way, which, shall we say, did not thrill
him. He called a charter service & was told they had three planes
that he could choose from. They said they had a single engine plane which
could hold five passengers. They also had two two engine planes, one of
which carried seven passengers & the other nine. He said he'd take
the biggest one. The clerk said, "Fine" & asked him how
many people would be flying. Bud told him "One." He was
told that would be a waste of money for one person & asked why he wanted
the largest plane. My husband, who is nothing if not logical, asked,
"I assume the biggest plane is the most expensive, right?" He
was told it was. He continued, "Then I also assume your best &
most experienced pilot will be flying it, right?" Right again.
That's the one he took!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was in high school I took an aeronautics class to satisfy a science requirement. I loved the class & not just because I was the only girl. The teacher used to greet the class every morning by saying, "Good morning, boys & girl!!"
An oldie (but very goody) for you:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was in high school I took an aeronautics class to satisfy a science requirement. I loved the class & not just because I was the only girl. The teacher used to greet the class every morning by saying, "Good morning, boys & girl!!"
An oldie (but very goody) for you:
The Monty Python Flying Sheep sketch:
My favorite note from a child:
A bunch of new cartoons:
I’ve already traveled all over the
world; next year I’m going someplace else----fishducky
