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Wednesday, December 3, 2014

IF YOU GO TO SLEEP EARLY, YOU WOULD HAVE MISSED THESE



I no longer watch the late night TV shows, but fortunately ArcaMax does.  Here are some quips they've posted just so I could share them with you:

It's rumored that Kim Kardashian may buy a private island near Australia. Because if there's one thing she can't live without, it's her privacy.--Jimmy Fallon


This week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who don't have the courage to show their faces.--Conan O'Brien  
Here in New York City they are converting telephone booths into Wi-Fi hot spots. Because we have very few phone booths left, Clark Kent (Superman) has to use the men's room at Starbucks.--David Letterman


A man in California was arrested after he stabbed his potential employer during a job interview. Well, at least now he knows where he sees himself in five years.--Conan O'Brien

Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets’ doctor said, "We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans."--Conan O’Brien


Scientists discovered a virus that makes you dumb. And another virus that makes you dumber. You get the virus from eating green algae. That will cause the dumb virus to kick in. And I'm thinking: Seriously, you're eating green algae? I mean, you're already dumb.--David Letterman


A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?--Seth Meyers

In an effort to boost ticket sales, the country's largest movie theater chain, Regal Entertainment, is adding motion, smells, wind, rain, and even bubbles to certain theaters, or you can go the cheaper route and watch Netflix on your phone in a car wash.--Jimmy Fallon

 NBC Sports will air a special that follows Tom Brokaw as he goes pheasant hunting in South Dakota. He doesn't even shoot them. He just talks to them for two minutes until they go to sleep.--Jimmy Kimmel


Germany has overtaken the United States as the world's favorite country. Germany is the most popular country in the world. That is one hell of a comeback.--Jimmy Kimmel
Chef Gordon Ramsay believes that his restaurant opening in London was sabotaged this weekend after a competitor booked rooms using fake online reservations. Officials have narrowed it down to "everyone who has ever worked for Gordon Ramsay."
Today (Nov 25, 2014) is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address — while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!--David Letterman

It’s been announced that a Union soldier who fought at the Battle of Gettysburg in the Civil War will be awarded the Medal of Honor by President Obama over 151 years after his death. Even better, he finally got an appointment at the VA hospital.--Seth Meyers 

To reach college athletes, the NCAA announced they are launching an anti-gambling campaign on the Cartoon Network. You know what's sad about that? Not the gambling, but the fact the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network.--Jay Leno 

And some clips from when it was worth staying up late:


















 


What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left----Oscar Levant (& fishducky)