I no longer watch the late night TV shows, but fortunately ArcaMax does. Here are some quips they've posted just so I could share them with you:
It's
rumored that Kim Kardashian may buy a private island near Australia. Because if
there's one thing she can't live without, it's her privacy.--Jimmy Fallon
This
week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of
the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who
don't have the courage to show their faces.--Conan O'Brien
Here in
New York City they are converting telephone booths into Wi-Fi hot spots.
Because we have very few phone booths left, Clark Kent (Superman) has to use
the men's room at Starbucks.--David
Letterman
A man
in California was arrested after he stabbed his potential employer during a job
interview. Well, at least now he knows where he sees himself in five years.--Conan O'Brien
Yesterday the DEA
raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their
players. In its defense, the New York Jets’ doctor said, "We don't give
painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans."--Conan
O’Brien
Scientists
discovered a virus that makes you dumb. And another virus that makes you
dumber. You get the virus from eating green algae. That will cause the dumb
virus to kick in. And I'm thinking: Seriously, you're eating green algae? I
mean, you're already dumb.--David Letterman
A New York plastic
surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are
implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets
a three-week vacation?--Seth Meyers
In an effort to
boost ticket sales, the country's largest movie theater chain, Regal
Entertainment, is adding motion, smells, wind, rain, and even bubbles to
certain theaters, or you can go the cheaper route and watch Netflix on your
phone in a car wash.--Jimmy Fallon
NBC
Sports will air a special that follows Tom Brokaw as he goes pheasant hunting
in South Dakota. He doesn't even shoot them. He just talks to them for two
minutes until they go to sleep.--Jimmy Kimmel
Germany has overtaken the United States as the world's favorite
country. Germany is the most popular country in the world. That is one hell of
a comeback.--Jimmy
Kimmel
Chef Gordon Ramsay believes that his restaurant
opening in London was sabotaged this weekend after a competitor booked rooms
using fake online reservations. Officials have narrowed it down to
"everyone who has ever worked for Gordon Ramsay."
Today (Nov 25, 2014) is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address.
President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of
an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg
Address — while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!--David
Letterman
It’s been announced that a Union soldier who fought at the Battle of Gettysburg in the Civil War will be awarded the Medal of Honor by President Obama over 151 years after his death. Even better, he finally got an appointment at the VA hospital.--Seth Meyers
To reach college athletes, the NCAA announced they are launching an anti-gambling campaign on the Cartoon Network. You know what's sad about that? Not the gambling, but the fact the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network.--Jay Leno
It’s been announced that a Union soldier who fought at the Battle of Gettysburg in the Civil War will be awarded the Medal of Honor by President Obama over 151 years after his death. Even better, he finally got an appointment at the VA hospital.--Seth Meyers
To reach college athletes, the NCAA announced they are launching an anti-gambling campaign on the Cartoon Network. You know what's sad about that? Not the gambling, but the fact the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network.--Jay Leno
And some clips from when it was worth staying up late:
What the world needs
is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left----Oscar Levant
(& fishducky)
