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Tuesday, January 13, 2015

DANGER: MOUTH OPERATES FASTER THAN BRAIN!!








Our son, Blake, & his wife were married in a Catholic church in Florida, where her family lives.  We had not met her family before.  At the reception at her sister’s home her father told me that he & his wife loved our Blake the first moment they met him.  Sometimes I don’t know what I’m going to say until it comes out of my mouth.  What came out was, “Really?  What do you think of him now?”

Many years ago, a divorced friend of ours was over for dinner with his girlfriend, Chris, whom we loved.  He was very relaxed & said, "I really enjoyed myself tonight!!  I love visiting with you guys.  How come you never invited me when I was married to B--?  I took another sip of wine & said simply, "We never liked B--."  That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he broke up with Chris & remarried B--!!  He later divorced her again.


Additional note on his second divorce: My husband was his attorney.  Early in the morning he was scheduled to be in court, Bud had a gallbladder attack & I took him to the ER.  After a while he felt better & didn't want to postpone the hearing.  I didn't feel safe letting him drive, so I took him & waited in the courtroom.  The judge came out & said, "The court will hear the Fischer divorce now."  Bud replied, "Your Honor, my wife is in the courtroom & I'm afraid you've made her a little nervous.  Would you mind referring to it by my client's name as the S----- divorce?"

These were merely misheard or misread, but they're true:

My friend was waiting in a bar to join her friends for dinner.  The waiter offered her some calamaretti.  She asked what they were & he told her.  She was about to try one when she asked him what the little things sticking out were.  He told her they were tentacles.  Down went her hand!  She thought he’d said “testicles”.

The father of one of our friends (we'll call him Mr. T) told us about the time he was at some company to make a complaint.  He was very angry about some recent service or billing & admitted to some ranting.  The young man at the complaint desk was listening & making notes on a form.  Mr. T was on the other side of the counter & reading the clerk's notes upside down. He yelled at the clerk, "What do you mean, CUSTOMER IS A RAT?"  The clerk told him he had never written that.  Mr. T said, "It's right here!" & turned the form around.  That's when he saw that what really was written was "Customer is irate!" 

Following are supposedly true stories from the internet:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
-Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX


I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
-Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI


My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
________________________________________________________________________
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
______________________________________________________________________
 We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"


Do you need one of these, too?






A closed mouth gathers no foot----fishducky

 










27 comments:

  1. Open mouth, insert foot. I've done it so often it's become my standard position lol.

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    Replies
    1. The problem with that position is that I fall over a lot!!

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  2. Yep. I've suffered from that affliction too.

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    1. I wonder if that can cause athlete's mouth?

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  3. The Tampax one made me laugh outloud! Some really funny ones today, FD. Amazing how we can stick our foot in the mouth....golf balls?

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    1. I used to play with men's (golf) balls!!

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  4. The kind of things that fall out of your mouth are highly similar to some things I've said.

    Love,
    Janie

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  5. More than anyone I know, you manage to cram the most humor into a single post.

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    1. That's me--fishducky, the fine feathered crammer!!

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  6. If Mrs. C. doesn't work out, I'm going to run the next one by you for approval.

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  7. Tentacles, testicles...I'm not eating either one!

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    1. At least ONE of those is delicious!!

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    2. Don't be silly! Both are delicious! Tentacles are served in marinara sauce, testicles are deep fried!

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    3. I only deep fry Bud's testicles when I'm mad with him!!

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  8. One has to be a practicing yoga instructor to do this well. Everyone else can, but it is far more painful when one starts pulling foot out.

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    Replies
    1. That's why I never wear spike heels!!

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  9. Mouth also bigger than brain. Much, much bigger. Sigh.

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    1. I wish MINE was bigger than my stomach!!

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  10. I can be such a blonde. I've made remarks that are similar to the blowjob one--but then don't realize why people are laughing. At least I catch on a lot faster now than I did when I was young--and, you know, my hair has naturally gotten darker over the years, too--LOL! Loved the tampon one! Well, loved a lot of them. ;)

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    1. For years now my hairdresser has been washing out the grey & letting my hair go back to its natural blond--& pigs CAN fly!!

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    2. Mine has gotten slowly darker and is light brown now, as you can see in the latest blog post. I am shocked I don't have any grey yet and wonder what I will do when it starts coming in? I plan to let it go its own way, but we'll see--LOL! ;)

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  11. I only open my mouth to change feet.

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    Replies
    1. Good plan--it keeps one foot from getting too soggy!!

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  12. Tampax that you have to pound in with a hammer??? (*~*)One shudders at the thought.
    Your final line "a closed mouth gathers no foot" , that's me. I keep my mouth shut a lot.
    Far better to be thought stupid than to open my mouth and remove all doubt.

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.