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Wednesday, January 21, 2015

ENGLISH CLASS


Soon after my son-in-law arrived in California, he took an ESL (English as a Second Language) course & had gotten a job as a stock boy.  He came over one day & said, “Mom, this guy at work keeps asking me questions around lunchtime & I don’t know what he’s saying.  I looked up the words & couldn’t find them in the dictionary.”  I asked him what the words were.  He told me “jeet” & “wajeet”.  If he hadn’t mentioned that it was around lunchtime, I’m not sure I could’ve helped him.  I told him his coworker was asking, “Did you eat?” & “What did you eat?”


Always make yourself clear!!  Can you imagine who/what would answer these ads?

Wanted: Precast concrete man.
Need: Woman to run up curtains.
Wanted: A room by two gentlemen 30 feet long and 20 feet wide.
Butcher's sign: Try our sausages. None like them.
A tailor's guarantee: If the smallest hole appears after six months' wear, we will make another absolutely free.
Lost: A small pony belonging to a young lady with a silver mane and tail.
Barber's sign: Hair cut while you wait.
Lost: Wallet belonging to a young man made of calf skin

Being a grandma,


Grandmas are women, too!!


Do you see a lack of imagination in these similes/metaphors?

OK, this one shows imagination:
Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to be on my toes.

But these need some work:
He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.

He was as welcome as a bacon sandwich at a Bar Mitzvah.

He ran faster than a chicken being chased by Colonel Sanders.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30..

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

He was like a lame  duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

He fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”

The sardines were packed as tight as the people in the coach section of a 747.


There is no need for profanity.
Keep your language clean!!


I got this from River at driftingthroughlife:










Follow your heart, but don’t forget to take your brain with you----fishducky

 











25 comments:

  1. Some of those very clumsy similes/metaphors were very descriptive. Which made them work.
    And forging parental notes most definitely is (or was) creative writing.

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    1. Then we have ALL done some creative writing--I know I have!!

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  2. The more I learn about the language, the more I realize I don't know squat.
    And that's a fact.....wish I could have thought of something clever to say here:(

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    1. As Mom would say....if you DON'T know squat, you MUST know something lol.

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  3. Now I want to write a book and use all of these sentences. Ha ha ha.

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  4. These are so funny. As I writer, I try to make sure the punctuation is in the right place, but it can be missed for sure. The one about the ballerina en pointe...kind of wipes out the image!

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    1. Don't you think a dog looks graceful en pointe?

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  5. I have to say, the "Got Milk" ads always made me crazy. That woman could be me... but I'd have been a bit more artistic in my corrections. :)

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  6. Love that "midget at a urinal" line. Wish I could use it.

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  7. You do make life very funny.
    Merle..............

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    1. Life IS funny--I'm just here to remind you!!

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  8. Some of these are just priceless...and very creative. LOL!
    Barbie...hummm? Not sure what she was trying to say, but she obviously wasn't speaking properly and gravely misinterpreted. ;)

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  9. LOL! Since she was garbled right before, I assume it was more garbled phrases that so happened to come out close enough to the swearing that you couldn't help but hear that once it got into your head. But it might have been more garbled phrases from a broken Barbie voice mechanism. Okay--I was just trying to give Barbie a break. ROFL! ;)

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    1. She'll never get sick, she'll never get fat, she'll never grow old--do you think she NEEDS a break?

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    2. ROFL! I suppose you're right. It's probably guilt from our dog chewing up my sister and my barbies when we were little. I only knew her for such a brief time. LOL!!

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    3. Your dog chewed up your sister? AND your Barbies?

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  10. Oh no! poor Wilbur. As for Zork, I wouldn't be teaching him much English at all. Let him conquer Mars instead.
    I'm horrified at that Barbie.
    Woman, without her, man is nothing. :) :)

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    Replies
    1. Barbie has a;ways been a slut. Conquering Mars would be easier--no people!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.