Soon after my son-in-law arrived in California, he took an ESL (English as a Second Language)
course & had gotten a job as a stock boy. He came over one day &
said, “Mom, this guy at work keeps asking me questions around lunchtime & I
don’t know what he’s saying. I looked up the words & couldn’t find
them in the dictionary.” I asked him what the words were. He told
me “jeet” & “wajeet”. If he hadn’t mentioned that it was around
lunchtime, I’m not sure I could’ve helped him. I told him his coworker
was asking, “Did you eat?” & “What did you eat?”
Always make yourself clear!! Can you imagine who/what would answer these ads?
Wanted: Precast concrete man.
Need: Woman to run up curtains.
Wanted: A room by two gentlemen 30 feet long and 20 feet wide.
Butcher's sign: Try our sausages.
None like them.
A tailor's guarantee: If the smallest hole
appears after six months' wear, we will make another absolutely free.
Lost: A small pony belonging to a young lady with a silver mane
and tail.
Barber's sign: Hair cut while you wait.
Lost: Wallet belonging to a young man made of calf skin
Being a grandma,
Grandmas are women, too!!
Do you see a lack of imagination in these similes/metaphors?
OK, this one shows imagination:
Like a midget at a
urinal, I was going to have to be on my toes.
But these need some work:
He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
He was as welcome as a bacon sandwich at a Bar Mitzvah.
He ran faster than a chicken being chased by Colonel Sanders.
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle
that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The
whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in
another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30..
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like
that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and
extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
He was like a lame duck. Not the metaphorical
lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a land mine or something.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E.
coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years
had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock,
like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
He fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement
like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose
hair after a sneeze.
“Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts
heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he
thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
They were as good friends as the people on “Friends.”
The sardines were packed as tight as the people in the coach
section of a 747.

There is no need for profanity.
Keep your language clean!!
I got this from River at driftingthroughlife:
Follow your heart, but
don’t forget to take your brain with you----fishducky

Some of those very clumsy similes/metaphors were very descriptive. Which made them work.
ReplyDeleteAnd forging parental notes most definitely is (or was) creative writing.
Then we have ALL done some creative writing--I know I have!!
DeleteThe more I learn about the language, the more I realize I don't know squat.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's a fact.....wish I could have thought of something clever to say here:(
As Mom would say....if you DON'T know squat, you MUST know something lol.
DeleteI'm SURE Rick knows squat!!
DeleteI'm hungry squeet.
ReplyDeleteDo you want to work AS food?
DeleteNow I want to write a book and use all of these sentences. Ha ha ha.
ReplyDeleteI MAY to use them in a story!!
DeleteThese are so funny. As I writer, I try to make sure the punctuation is in the right place, but it can be missed for sure. The one about the ballerina en pointe...kind of wipes out the image!
ReplyDeleteDon't you think a dog looks graceful en pointe?
DeleteI have to say, the "Got Milk" ads always made me crazy. That woman could be me... but I'd have been a bit more artistic in my corrections. :)
ReplyDeleteLove that "midget at a urinal" line. Wish I could use it.
ReplyDeleteSee my reply to Cherdo (above)!!
DeleteYou do make life very funny.
ReplyDeleteMerle..............
Life IS funny--I'm just here to remind you!!
DeleteSome of these are just priceless...and very creative. LOL!
ReplyDeleteBarbie...hummm? Not sure what she was trying to say, but she obviously wasn't speaking properly and gravely misinterpreted. ;)
WTF do you think she was saying?
DeleteLOL! Since she was garbled right before, I assume it was more garbled phrases that so happened to come out close enough to the swearing that you couldn't help but hear that once it got into your head. But it might have been more garbled phrases from a broken Barbie voice mechanism. Okay--I was just trying to give Barbie a break. ROFL! ;)
ReplyDeleteShe'll never get sick, she'll never get fat, she'll never grow old--do you think she NEEDS a break?
DeleteROFL! I suppose you're right. It's probably guilt from our dog chewing up my sister and my barbies when we were little. I only knew her for such a brief time. LOL!!
DeleteYour dog chewed up your sister? AND your Barbies?
DeleteSome dogs are vicious!!
DeleteOh no! poor Wilbur. As for Zork, I wouldn't be teaching him much English at all. Let him conquer Mars instead.
ReplyDeleteI'm horrified at that Barbie.
Woman, without her, man is nothing. :) :)
Barbie has a;ways been a slut. Conquering Mars would be easier--no people!!
Delete