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Friday, January 23, 2015

FEED ME!!










Blogger screwed around with me yesterday, so I took this out & I'm trying to post it today along with Friday's post!!


(A reworked post from 2013)

(Disclaimer: I CAN cook, but I don’t much, any more.  I cooked for my family for many years & even threw a lot of dinner parties.  For Christmas & Thanksgiving we used to have dinner for up to 50 people.  I just got tired of it.  Now, on the rare occasions when I DO cook, I make a roasting pan full of chili or 2 or 3 pot roasts or briskets & freeze them in individual servings, so we can still have some home cooked meals.)


At least I cook better than Homer Simpson:


When we were first married, Bud was in the Army & we lived in a tiny house off the post.  We had invited some friends for dinner & I decided to make my first peach pie.  It came out runny--too runny to be a pie but not loose enough to be a cobbler.  We told them it was a “peach piebler”.  They thought it was delicious! Around this same time, I called my mom--& you have to realize that neither she or I made very many long distance calls because they were expensive, but wrote letters, instead.  She was concerned that maybe Bud or I was ill, or that we were having marital problems.  It was MUCH more serious than that--I needed her recipe for chopped liver!

When we first bought our condo on Maui, my sister-in-law, Natalie, & her 3 kids came out to stay with us & our 3 kids.  I don’t know if you’re familiar with Hawaiian prices, but our grocery bill was enormous!  Nat was going over the grocery shopping list that Bud had made & saw either “ice cream” or “candy”--I can't remember which.  We were amazed when she said, in all seriousness, “Don’t buy that; the kids will just eat it!"

After our daughter, Nameless, moved into an apartment, she stopped at our house to pick up some things from the freezer because she said she missed my cooking.  I can understand that, but can you tell me why her loot also included a couple of cans of tuna & a jar of mayonnaise?

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a cheap date.  I have no aversion to ordering a very expensive meal--in fact, Bud claims that’s what I look for.  We were at a high end restaurant & I must have looked puzzled, because he asked me what was wrong.  I told him, “I’m upset--I don’t like the most expensive thing on the menu!”

We were travelling with our friends, Joe & Helen, in Thailand & went to dinner in the penthouse restaurant of our hotel.  The maître d’ seated us & handed each of us a menu.  He returned in a couple of minutes & very apologetically took my menu & Helen’s away & gave us new ones.  We couldn’t understand why until Joe explained it.  We had originally been given “host” menus--with prices--instead of “guest” menus--with no prices.  Neither Helen nor I had noticed there were prices on ours!


Some jokes for those of my faith:

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish American Princesses?
A: "Is anything OK?"

Q: How do Jewish American Princesses get their children ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.

The Jewish American Princess Recipe Book
Chapter One . . . . . . . . . . How to Make Reservations

Did you hear about the Jewish family who kept such a kosher home that they had two smoke detectors in their kitchen?


Pierre, Claudio & Moishe have all been tried & sentenced to death. Their time is up & they are asked what they would like for their last meal.

Pierre asks for a chateaubriand, asparagus with hollandaise & a bottle of Dom Perignon.  He gets it, finishes it & is executed.

Claudio tells the guards he would like veal parmigiana with angel hair pasta cooked al dente, an assortment of fresh fruits & cheese & a bottle of chianti.  He gets it, eats & he, too, is executed
.
Moishe says, "I'm a simple man with simple tastes.  All I want is a bowl of strawberries."

The guards tell him strawberries aren't in season.

"Nu," says Moishe, "So I'll wait."


And some for everyone:

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction; I get to the end & say to myself, “Well, that’s not going to happen.” --Rita Rudner

How come when you mix flour & water together you get glue--& then you add eggs & sugar & you get cake?  Where does the glue go? --Rita Rudner

My husband says that I feed him like a god--every meal is a burnt offering. --Rhonda Hansome

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf & apple pie.”
Husband: “Which is this?”

What did the cannibal order at the Italian place?
A pizza with everyone on it.

“I trained my dog not to beg at the table.”
“How did you do that?”
“I let him taste my wife’s cooking.”


A couple, well into their 80's, are in a restaurant.  The man orders a dinner for himself, but nothing for his wife.  He eats his meal while she just sits there, watching him.  He finishes eating, wipes his mouth with his napkin & pushes his plate away.  It is still half full of food.  The man at the next table has been watching the whole thing.  He assumes that they can't afford two dinners so he generously says to the wife, "Excuse me, but I would love to treat you to a dinner."  She says, "That's very kind of you, but totally unnecessary.  I'll have my dinner in a minute.  My husband & I are sharing this dinner.  As a matter of fact, we share everything 50/50." He asks, "What are you waiting for?"  She says, "The teeth!"


This little girl is eating a raw onion.
I have no idea why.


Did you know food could be funny?




























The best way to avoid kitchen odors: eat out!--Phyllis Diller 

If we're not supposed to have midnight snacks, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?----fishducky




26 comments:

  1. Good grief! I can't believe the way that little girl was chomping down on that onion! I like onions, but no way I'd want to eat one outta my hand like an apple. (Unless it was one of those wimpy Vidalia onions.)

    Great post! I may not be Jewish, but I liked those jokes the best, especially the one about the last pre-execution meal. That understated kinda humor cracks me up.

    Happy weekend!

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  2. I loved Rita Rudner haven't seen her in a while. Is she still around? Never mind, I'll Google.

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  3. Yes, but she performs almost strictly in Vegas.

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    Replies
    1. I met her once at a luncheon. Besides being funny, she is a truly NICE person!!

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  4. Moishe was a star. I suspect he would be happy to wait for a 'good' season for strawberries as well.

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    1. Moishe was a star, patient & a genius!!

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  5. That poor girl. I would have given up before the first bite.

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    Replies
    1. When you get old, you learn patience!!

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  6. I like "smorbid" and the marshmallows. Loved your Jewish jokes...but I'm Lutheran. Can I laugh anyway?

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    Replies
    1. I'm a Lutheran, too. You know I laugh all the time.

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    2. Apparently we have jocular Jews & laughing Lutherans!!

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  7. I don't cook much--just simple things. I quite often make an omelet for supper: two eggs and two tablespoons of water with a dash of salt. If I have cheese, add it at the end. That's pretty much the story of my life. Favorite Young Man is taking me out for dinner tonight. The most expensive thing on the menu will probably be about $6.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would never have figured you for a cheap date!!

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    2. Oh, I'm a very cheap date. And easy, but not with Favorite Young Man, of course.

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  8. I think I'm related to Garfield.

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  9. Loved the vegan witches. And many others.

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    Replies
    1. I think their potion would be weak!!

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  10. There's a recipe for chopped liver? Don't you just take a liver and chop it?
    "How come when you mix flour & water together you get glue--& then you add eggs & sugar & you get cake? Where does the glue go? --Rita Rudner"
    Straight to your hips and thighs of course!
    " Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf & apple pie.”
    Husband: “Which is this?”"
    I'm not sure if that's funny or tragic.
    Love all the cartoons.

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    Replies
    1. You need the right proportions of chicken liver, schmaltz (chicken fat), onions & salt!!

      Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf & apple pie.”
      Husband: “Which is this?”--IT'S FUNNY!!

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    2. Schmaltz is chicken fat? I thought it was lard, pig fat. my dad and sister used to eat it on bread sprinkled with salt. Schmaltz and saltz. Do you cook this mixture?

      Yes, funny, but tragic that her apple pie resembles meatloaf.

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    3. The chicken livers are sauteed before chopping or grinding. The onions are raw & chopped very fine. Mix with schmaltz & salt, chill & eat.

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  11. All funny! When I saw the little girl I remembered a lady my mom worked with who brought a couple onion sandwiches for lunch! Threre'd be a stack of big 1/2 inch thick slices of onion on plain buttered bread and that's it. She claimed she and her mother ate onions like people eat apples but it freaked people out so she made onion sandwiches when she was going to eat them in public. I can't remember where she was from in Europe (Czechoslovakia?) but we always assumed it might be a common thing there.

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    Replies
    1. I hope she had a glass of Listerine to wash it down!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.