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Thursday, January 1, 2015

I WAS CLEANING OUT MY MIND FOR THE NEW YEAR & FOUND THIS OLD STUFF...



There was a lot of dust in there (& half a bag of stale Frito's) but I managed to salvage these gems:


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. 

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring & lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. 

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. 

They glared at us with looks of disgust. 

Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test. They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. 

"Can you read this?" the optician asks. 

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "Heck, I know the guy." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...

Two men and a woman.



For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.


"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.  "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! 

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."


Would you believe I found a video of me when I was a baby?

I found this song in there, too:

Here are the lyrics:

Hey honey have you gained some weight in your rear-end?
That dress you wear reminds me of my old girlfriend
And where'd you get those shoes? I think they're pretty lame
Would you stop talking 'cause I'm trying to watch the game

If you're a man who wants to live a long and happy life
These are the things you don't say to your wife

I planned a hunting trip next week on your birthday
I didn't ask you 'cause I knew it'd be ok
Go make some dinner while I watch this fishing show
I taped it over our old wedding video

If you're a man who wants to live a long and happy life
These are the things you don't say to your wife

Your cooking is ok but not like mother makes
The diamond in the ring I bought you is a fake
Your eyes look puffy dear, are you feeling ill?
Happy anniversary I bought you a treadmill

If you're a man who wants to live a long and happy life
These are the things you don't say to your wife
If you’re a man who doesn't want to get killed with a knife
These are the things you don't say to your wife














HAPPY NEW YEAR!!







After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking & fight for nothing.  Women can do all these things without drinking!!----fishducky


 


18 comments:

  1. Love these. I'll try to remember as many as I can, but my brain is currently on holiday.
    Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not to worry, I'll probably rerun them sometime--Happy New Year!!

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. I THOUGHT I heard you snorting--Happy New Year!!

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  3. Glad you made room for more good stuff this year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You wouldn't believe the amount of crap that was in there--Happy New Year!!

      Delete
  4. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." She's definitely the right woman for the job. Happy New Year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd hire her--I'd be afraid NOT to--Happy New Year!!

      Delete
  5. Shooting blanks story gave me the giggles. Thanks for a great start to the new year.
    Happy New Year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope I can keep it up--Happy New Year!!

      Delete
  6. He'd be in trouble at my house also for not speaking up and singing clearly--ROFL!
    Happy New Year!! May 2015 be fantastic and fun!! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's ALWAYS trouble at my house--Happy New Year!!

      Delete
  7. My brain went out to lunch and didn't invite me, but I hope it will return. (Always an optimist).
    Happy New Year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't hold your breath--Happy New Year!!

      Delete
  8. I'm using the Polish joke...ha ha ha. Too many Polish friends not to!

    Hope you had a happy new year!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Think of me as a joke wholesaler--Happy New Year!!

      Delete
  9. My ex-husband wrote that song, didn't he?

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.