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Thursday, January 15, 2015

WHAT YOU SHOULD EAT WHEN YOU’D RATHER HAVE SOMETHING ELSE





(I have had no formal nutritional training but I have been eating for a long time.  I believe this qualifies as a sort of on-the-job training.)

If you want to lose weight & you crave chocolate, eat 1/3 cup of raw broccoli instead.
If you want to lose weight & you crave potato chips, eat 1 stick of celery instead.
If you want to lose weight & you crave candy, eat 1/4 apple instead.
If you want to lose weight & you crave a hot fudge sundae, eat ice chips instead.

Will this work?  Certainly!!
Will you be satisfied?  No way!!

If you must eat these things, I have one simple diet trick for you—do not swallow!!

Another diet must to remember—never eat anything bigger than your head!!  Example below:

A great way to lose weight is to eat naked while standing in front of a mirror.  The restaurant will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.

Chocolate comes from cocoa.  Cocoa comes from cacao, which is a tree.  Trees are plants.  Therefore, chocolate is a salad.

Have you tried the garlic diet?  You don’t lose weight, you just look thinner from a distance.

Fat people are harder to kidnap.

Exercise early in the morning before your brain figures out what you’re doing.

Chocolate is not to be used as a salt substitute.

These diet tips have worked for me.  Not once have I let my weight go over 500 pounds!!
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Wife to her overweight husband: “Last night there were two pieces of cake in this pantry and now there is only one. How do you explain that?”

Husband: “I guess it was so dark that I didn't see the other piece.”
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Two young women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Bruno and I do anymore is fight.  I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him?" asked her friend.

"Oh, not yet," the first replied, "I’d like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first!!"
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I was at WalMart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dogs in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Better watch what you ask me and be prepared for my answer. I have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say..... now that you've read it I have to confess, I copied it from someone else. Feel free to share and make someone else smile today.
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After going on a diet, a woman felt really good about herself, especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown a long time ago.

"Look! Look!" she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband. "I can wear my old jeans again!" 

Her husband looked at her for a long time, then he said, "Honey, I love you, but those are my jeans."
4 above jokes from http://danworona.50megs.com/
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A diet is a system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer----Totie Fields (& fishducky)

 






24 comments:

  1. Amazing how something as miserable as a diet can make you laugh.

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    1. The only way to deal with dieting (& other miseries) is to laugh!!

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  2. Thanks for the great comments, FD. I've been blessed with a reasonable weight, but I do struggle sometimes to keep it under control....like over the holidays, etc. I love chocolate and I love food, actually. I hate stuff on diets that taste so bland. Ugh.

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    1. I have too many fat genes--& fat jeans!!

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  3. You made my day! Good stuff...had to steal and share on Facebook.

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    1. Steal away--just mention my name, please!!

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  4. Good hints here. I'm on a no sugar (including fruit), no carb diet to week fast. Anything leafy or anything protein is ok, and don't fear the fat. Sort of a modified Atkins thing recommended by a Duke Univ. guru. I'll let you know.

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    1. Are you becoming a cheesehead? Let me know if it works!!

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  5. This is so funny, smiling doesn't quite do it, you just have to Laugh Out Loud!

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    1. Feel free to Laugh Out Loud--just don't scare the puppies (or hubby)!!

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  6. That comedian was so funny! Lots of really good ones today, Fran. :) :)

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  7. I am not overweight. I am undertall.
    And if you believe that I have a bridge or two I could sell you...

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    1. I don't need a bridge--I can cross the river on one of my flying pigs!!

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  8. I love the kids looking at the cry-inducing scale. Ha!

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    1. All humor is based on truth, Steve!!

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  9. Like Elephant.s Child I long ago realized I am just too short. So I am trying to gain height. I am sure it will be as easier than losing weight.

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    1. Get back to me when you're 7' tall!!

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  10. I too am too short. My grown children look down at the top of my head and tell me. Thankfully, they don't look down any further.

    Did you know that the husk of the cacoa bean is poisonous? Talk about a killer when eating a Godiva dark chocolate bar.

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    Replies
    1. Both of our sons are over 6' tall & yet we're always taller than them when we're standing on our wallets!!

      Stick to milk chocolate for safety!!

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  11. Love the comedian, and he mentioned Lord Toranaga from Shogun! That's one of my favourite TV series which I have on dvd and I have the book too. Also in kindle version if you're interested EC?
    I'm curious about the 1/4 of an apple instead of candy. Who eats 1/4 of an apple? I eat the whole thing.
    I have a fridge magnet that says 'I'm not fat just short for my weight'.

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    Replies
    1. That was obviously a typo--it should have read 1/8!!

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  12. This is so hilarious. But I hope I will never be able to fit into Mike's pants. He accidentally tried mine on the other day--sooo funny. *still giggling*

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    1. I'm trying to picture Bud trying mine on--funny mental image!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.