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Tuesday, March 31, 2015

ANDROCLES & THE LION (I MEAN THE THREE BEARS)


It's legends week, from my book "Fishducky's Fables".

Once, many years ago, there was a handsome, kind, generous, caring (and a lot of other good things) young man.  His name was Androcles and he was taken as a slave when he was very young.  His master was cruel and Androcles wanted to control his own life, so one day he escaped.  He ran into the forest.  He knew it would be hard to find him there.

While walking down a path he came upon three bears.  One was quite large, another a little smaller and the third was a mere cub.  They were all holding their stomachs and moaning and groaning.  They frightened Androcles and he started to slowly back away, as he had been warned to do upon encountering bears.  None of the three seemed interested in attacking him, and they seemed to be in so much distress that, good person that he was, he went up to them to see if he could be of any help. 

He asked them if their discomfort was caused by thorns in their paws, which can be very painful.  The largest bear said, between a small moan and an extremely large groan, “No, we have no thorns.  It’s just that we are all so very hungry!  You see,” he went on to explain, “We are vegetarians.  All we have been eating is a delicious porridge that my wife, here, cooks for us every morning.  While it’s cooling, we all go out for a walk.  It’s important that bears get adequate exercise, you know.  Anyhow, several days ago, when we got back home, we found a beautiful blond human girl sound asleep in our son’s bed.  She had eaten up all our porridge and then she went to sleep!  No matter how loudly and ferociously we roar and growl, she refuses to leave.  I think she guessed that we were vegetarians and that we wouldn’t eat her and she says the daily porridge is yummy.  Can you help us?  We’re so hungry!”

Androcles said, “I’ll see what I can do about the blond.”  Meanwhile, he gave them some granola bars and a few bottles of Ensure that he had in his backpack.  He went into their house and woke up the girl, whose name was Goldilocks, and told her that what she was doing was very wrong.  He gave her a few dollars and told her about the homeless shelter that was down the road and said that they would care for her until she could find a job.  She thanked Androcles, apologized to the bears and left.

Androcles had taken care of their problem, so he continued on his way.  A week or two later he was captured.  As a runaway slave, he was sentenced to be placed in the arena to be devoured by wild animals.  The animals who were scheduled to eat him happened to be the three bears, who were caught as they were on their pre-breakfast walk.  The authorities hadn’t fed them for three days so that they would be very hungry.   They told the bears that there would be someone something to eat inside and they released them into the arena.  They ran out and they saw Androcles.  There was no way they could eat him, being both meat and a friend, so instead they gave him a big group bear hug.  

The crowd went wild and demanded that the authorities give Androcles and the bears their freedom!  Not only did they do that, they gave Androcles a prepaid American Express card as a way of apology.  He took the card and asked the bears, “You guys want to go out for a pizza?  It’s on me!”







Ever stop to think & forget to start again?----fishducky

 





Monday, March 30, 2015

WHAT'S-HIS-NAME & THE BIG BLUE OX


It's legends week, from my book "Fishducky's Fables".



Many years ago, Mrs. Bettye Bunyan gave birth to a very large baby boy and named him Paul.  By the time he was three years old, he could wear his father’s clothes.  (Understandably, his father seldom spanked him.)  By age seven, Paul could no longer fit in the family’s Prius and they were forced to buy a Hummer just to drive him to school.  As he grew, even the largest sizes at the “Big ‘n’ Fat” shops were not big enough.  Mrs. Bunyan had to buy old circus tents and alter them to fit her growing boy.  Paul was to become a very large man.

His parents became poor trying to keep him fed.  A whole steer lasted only a couple of days, and a bushel of apples was just a healthy snack.  He decided to go out and make his own way in the world.  He became a lumberjack--and a very successful one, at that.  After all, he could cut down a tree with just one swing of his axe.  Perhaps you’ve heard of his company, “DeforestationRUs”. 

One evening after work, he went to a local bar to have nine or ten large Cokes.  Sitting next to him was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen and she was just the right size for him--extra extra large!  She was crying and Paul wanted to ease her pain.  He said, “Hey, babe, why so blue?”  

She asked, “How do you know my name?”  He brilliantly replied, “Huh?”  “My name is Babe,” she said, “And I’m blue because I’m as big as an ox!”  He told her he thought she was perfect and asked her if she would marry him.  She said, “Sure, why not?  It’s not that I’m likely to get any better offers!”  The bartender, who moonlighted as a rabbi, performed the ceremony right then, in hopes of getting an even bigger tip.

Several years later, Paul was running out of trees and, with Babe’s urging, decided to go back to school online.  His family had always been plagued by misshapen feet, so he studied podiatry to see if he could help them.  One day, while taking a study break, he saw an ad asking if you were interested in finding about your ancestors and the derivation of your family name.  He clicked onto the site and typed in “Bunyan”.


Imagine his surprise when the information came back that the original spelling of his name was “Bunion” because that was exactly the problem that he, his father and his grandfather had suffered with ever since he could remember.  He changed his name back to the original spelling, completed his studies and became a licensed podiatrist. Babe was so proud the day he hung out his shingle which read “Dr. Paul Bunion Specialist”!!


You can click here to hear a song about lumberjacking.












The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with----fishducky

 



Friday, March 27, 2015

NEVER BELIEVE ANYONE WHO SAYS, "THIS IS GOING TO HURT ME MORE THAN IT HURTS YOU" ( A PAINFUL POST)




While trying (unsuccessfully) to make a left turn I got T-boned by another car.  The paramedics (Are ALL paramedics cute?   It may be a job requirement.) thought I had two broken wrists.  It turned out only one was actually broken.  I now have a 7” plate in my arm.  My new Mustang, which had less than 1,000 miles on it, suffered extensive damage.  It’s all better now.  The paramedics caused me more (mental) pain than the accident did.  They took scissors & cut off my brand new black leather jacket.  I loved that jacket!   I’d bought it in a consignment shop, but it was new to me. 
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I broke my arm last April (I fell down in my hallway) & it didn't heal properly, so until very recently I wasn't able to pull up my own underwear without a great deal of pain.  My son, my husband & I were talking about online dating.  I said I should put my name out there with the description, "Old broad who can't pull up her own underwear." Blake thought that should get me several hits!!
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"My dad's a writer. His favorite expression is 'The pen's mightier than the sword,' which I believed for a long time. Until I moved into the city, and I got into a fight with this guy. He cut me up real bad, and I drew a mustache on his face...and then I wrote him a nasty letter." --Kevin Brennan
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 "I love my dentist. He has an X ray of his family in the waiting room." --Robert G. Lee
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How long can insects live without their heads?

Some insects, after their head is severed, may live for as much as a year. They react automatically to light, temperature, humidity, chemicals, and other stimuli.  We all know some people like that, don't we?
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Not really, since they actually don't have a central nervous system, which in effect, is the brain. So there is no pain reflex such as humans have. If lobsters felt pain that acutely, they would hardly amputate or spontaneously drop their claws, both of which have been observed by researchers.
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The little toe: completely useless except to remind you that your pain sensory receptors still work.
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Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage?
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner

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A childbirth instructor says it's not pain that women feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Has anyone besides me had the urge during childbirth to yell, "Get this thing out of me!!"?  (It still counts if you yelled the same thing nine months earlier.)

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A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."
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I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. --George Carlin
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. --Emo Phillips
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A man has been in a lot of pain, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. 

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." 

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?" 

"Ten," the doctor says sadly. 

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten years? Months? Weeks? What?" 

"Nine..." 



Have you ever had sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia?
I bet you have!!
Click here to find out why.

Some of them have had it.
Click here to see who I mean.

How an actor prepares himself to show pain:














If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong----fishducky









Thursday, March 26, 2015

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?






















Perhaps the best response to the question “What are you thinking?” was offered on "Married With Children" by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
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I was recently in the office of a doctor I hadn’t seen before.  His office was small & had several paintings hanging in the waiting room.  They were all signed by the same person & judging by their poor quality, it was my guess they were done by his wife.  Having them there would be a positive thing for his marriage, but not so much for his patients.  I’m glad he didn’t ask how I liked them!! 
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Don’t Assume You Know What Someone’s Thinking Dept.:
Part 1

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?" 

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. 

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."
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Don’t Assume You Know What Someone’s Thinking Dept.:
Part 2

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus & sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says, 'You go up there & tell him off.”  She thinks about how nice the man is & says that she’s going to do just that.  The man says, “Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
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A man comes to a woman’s house a little early to pick her up for their blind date.  She lets him in & asks him to wait in the living room while she finishes getting ready.  He notices several paintings (by an obviously untalented artist) & is intently studying them when she walks in.  She sees him looking at the “art” & says, “Do you like them?  I painted all of them myself.”  He blurts out without thinking, “Oh, thank heaven!  I was afraid you’d bought them!”  I have no idea how their date went.
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They even have a game about it:

In case you want to understand how your child thinks:










Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside----fishducky