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Friday, March 6, 2015

MALE OR FEMALE?






You might not know this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples: 


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again.  They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their ass.

SPONGES: These are female because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

HOURGLASSES: Female, because over time all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male because in the last 5000 years they've hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it & while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

And these two, suggested by Janie Junebug at WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME:


ROOMBA: Obviously a woman. She cleans until she runs out of power.

VIBRATOR: Male...keeps going when all interest is lost. 
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These cars are obviously female:


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
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A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
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For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.
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An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."  The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."
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Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.
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An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?" The guide answered, "Land mines."
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A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
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Men are like bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Of course women don’t work as hard as men…
They get it right the first time.

What do you call a man that lost all of his intelligence?
A widow.

Why do men need sports action replays 30 seconds after the event?
Because they’ve forgotten what happened.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Why did God create man first?
Because he needed a rough working model before creating the perfect specimen of the species.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.

What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
“My wife says….”

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Why did god invent men?
Because vibrators can’t mow the lawn.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One … men will screw anything.
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Here's a little something for those who think I'm too tough on men:

Q: What's the most expensive Jewish wine? 
A: "I wanna go to Florida!"
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Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. -- No further testing is planned.
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CLASSES AT YOUR LOCAL ADULT LEARNING CENTER

MALE-ORGANIZED COURSES FOR WOMEN

Note that due to the complexity and difficulty level of the subject area, class sizes will be limited to 5 women.

Class 1: UP IN WINTER, DOWN IN SUMMER - HOW TO ADJUST A THERMOSTAT.  Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm.

Class 2: WHICH TAKES MORE ENERGY - PUTTING THE TOILET SEAT DOWN, OR MOANING ABOUT IT FOR 3 HOURS?  Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: IS IT POSSIBLE TO DRIVE PAST A MALL WITHOUT STOPPING? Group Debate.  Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 pm for 2 hours.

Class 4: FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A HANDBAG AND A SUITCASE .  Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 pm for 3 weeks.

Class 5: CURLING IRONS - CAN THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO THE BATHROOM CABINET? Examples on video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm.

Class 6: HOW TO ASK QUESTIONS DURING COMMERCIALS AND BE QUIET DURING THE PROGRAM. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 pm.

Class 7: CAN A BATH BE TAKEN WITHOUT 14 DIFFERENT KINDS OF SOAPS AND SHAMPOOS? Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 pm, 2 hours.

Class 8: I WAS WRONG AND HE WAS RIGHT! REAL LIFE TESTIMONIALS. Tuesdays at 6:00 pm. Location to be determined.

Class 9: HOW TO PARALLEL PARK IN LESS THAN 20 MINUTES WITHOUT AN INSURANCE CLAIM. Driving Simulations. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 10: LEARNING TO LIVE: HOW TO APPLY BRAKES WITHOUT THROWING PASSENGERS THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD. Tuesdays at 7:00 pm. Location to be determined.

Class 11: HOW TO SHOP BY YOURSELF.Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration. 

Class 1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.

Class 2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Group discussion.

Class 3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics. 

Class 4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among panel of experts.

Class 5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Help line and support groups.

Class 6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

Class 7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. PowerPoint presentation.

Class 8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

Class 9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation.

Class 10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. Online class and role-playing.

Class 11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Class 12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Bring your calendar or PDA to class. 

Class 13. GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. Individual.










Men are like a fine wine.  They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with----fishducky

 





20 comments:

  1. I'm not bald but I'm over inflated enough to be a tire.

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  2. Replies
    1. The other sex (whichever THAT is) sure has some weirdos, don't they?

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  3. Some big smiles. And a couple of winces. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I try to make them come out even, but it IS difficult!!

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  4. Lots of chuckles but sadly some truths also. Thank you, I always wondered about the unicorns.

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  5. It all makes sense to me.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am with Janie Junebug. It does make sense for me too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That seems logical--all 3 of us are female!!

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  7. what do you mean, vibrators can't mow the lawn? Have you never sat on one of those ride-on mowers?
    The 911 call had me gobsmacked.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope nothing broke when your gob got smacked!!

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  8. I'd be happy if he just took the course on looking in the right place lol.

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    Replies
    1. That would certainly be a good start!!

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  9. I am exhausted reading this. I'll wait a while and try again.

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  10. You are too funny. I always wondered what happened to unicorns :)

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    Replies
    1. It was the only reasonable explanation!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.