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Monday, March 2, 2015

PROPER NAMES ARE POETRY IN THE RAW...


...but some of them should have been cooked a little while!





(Reworked from several old posts)

I read in the paper several years ago where a young couple had a daughter they named Anesthesia.  (True.)  Probably, when she was giving birth, the doctor said, “It’s a girl!  What are you going to name her?”  She was still in pain & didn’t hear his question, so she yelled out her own need--“Anesthesia!”  What?  It could have happened that way.

My dad’s given name was Angel Kiewitsky.  He always went by the name Archie Keyes.  When I was starting college he decided to have it changed legally.  Off went our family to the courthouse.  As I recall, almost the entire conversation between the judge & my father went like this: Judge: “Your name is Angel Kiewitsky?”  AK: “Yes, Your Honor.”  Judge: “And you want it changed to Archie Keyes?”  AK: “Yes, sir.”  Judge: “I don’t blame you.  Granted.”

Far be it from me to make fun of anyone’s name—since I was born with the lovely, lilting surname of Kiewitsky—but I was watching a golf tournament on TV & saw a young golfer by the name of John Huh.  He is Asian; I believe of Korean descent.  I thought of how his life must be frighteningly like the Abbott & Costello routine, “Who’s On First?”.  How many times could someone go through this without exploding?  “What’s your name?”  “Huh.”  “I said, WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” “Huh.”  “I SAID, WHAT’S--YOUR--NAME???????????”   Maybe Kiewitsky wasn’t so bad.


While I was working as a dental assistant to a children's dentist, I had to open the door to the waiting room & call out the name of the next patient.  I looked at the card of the child who was next & I hesitated.  The child was a new patient & of some foreign nationality.  As I remember, his name was spelled Shiitte.  I called out his name but I pronounced it "Shight".  His mother corrected me & said it was pronounced "Shitty".  No further comment is necessary!!


These are REAL people--some of whom have passed away.  Whether they would have lived longer with a different name, I have no idea:

Haralambos T. Haralambos--was in the Army with Bud.
Ima Hogg--daughter of a Texas governor.
Shanda Lear--daughter of Bill Lear, inventor of the Lear Jet.

Sometimes it's not planned to be funny--some true cases in point:

Andy Friese--(pronounced "antifreeze"), a race car driver.
Dick Finder--a urologist.
Dr. & Dr. Doctor--married doctors from CT.
Dr. Look--an opthamologist
Dr. Slaughter--a surgeon.
Ernie Coli--(E. coli) owns a restaurant.
Harry Rump--a plumber.

A couple of quick notes:

"My mum was Hazel Nutt.  Her maiden name was Morrison & she married my father, Peter Nutt."

"My name was Susan Frame.  I am a lawyer.  I met & married Robert, who is a banker.  His surname is Mee.  Now we are Sue Mee, a lawyer, & Rob Mee, a banker."

Celebrities are the worst offenders.  Since they are so widely admired, I guess they think whatever they do is clever.  Here's a list of some of the "clever" ones & the names they've saddled their kids with:

Apple----Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin
Rumer/Scout/Tallulah----Bruce Willis & Demi Moore
Bronx Mowgli----Shannyn Sossamon & Dallas Clayton
Daisy Bo/ Petal Rainbow Blossom----Jamie & Juliette Oliver
Pilot Inspektor----Jason Lee & Beth Reisgraf
Kal-El (Superman's name on Krypton)----Nicolas Cage & Alice Kim
Moxie CrimeFighter/ Zolten----Penn & Emily Jillette
Sparrow James Midnight----Nicole Richie & Joel Madden
Zowie----David & Angela Bowie
Jermajesty----Jermaine Jackson
Fifi Trixibelle/ Little Pixie/ Peaches Honeyblossom----Paula Yates & Bob Geldof
Tiger Lily Heavenly Hirani----Paula Yates & Michael Hutchence
Seven Sirius----Erykah Badu & Andre 3000
Puma Sabti----Erykah Badu & The D.O.C.
Mars Merkaba----Erykah Badu & Jay Electronica
Rocket/ Racer/ Rebel/ Rogue----Robert Rodriguez & Elizabeth Avelian
Prince Michael Joseph, Jr/ Paris Michael/ Prince Michael ll----Michael Jackson
Memphis Eve/ Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q----Bono & Allison Hewson
Moon Unit/ Dweezil/ Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen/ Ahmet Emuukha Rodan----Frank Zappa
AND I can't forget George Foreman, who has 5 sons--ALL NAMED GEORGE!

I'd like to offer my suggestions for the names of the future children of celebrities. At least we'd know what they meant:

The lady pirate: Peg Legg
I'm tired: Adelaide Evening
We're renting a bathroom: The Lieutenants
Employment handbook: Ernie Living
How to break in: Jimmy DeLocke
If you don't want to buy: Lisa Carr
Female criminal: Robyn Banks
Let's eat: X. Benedict
Russian wetback: Yuri Legal
A complainer: Dawn Doothat
Stop the pain: Otis Leghertz
Breaking the law: Kermit A. Kreim
Falling underwear: Lucy Lastic
Missed the deadline: Stew Layt
To be honest: Frank Lee
A helper: Abel N. Willin
I'm fine: Howard Yew
German bank robber: Hans Zupp
Gamblers Anonymous member: Lou Zerr
Mensa man: Gene Yuss
If you don't understand: Alex Blaine Layder


Let's play with their names:
If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Tuesday Weld married Frederick March's son, she'd be Tuesday, March the Second.

If Lucille Ball married Vitus Bering (the explorer), she'd be Lucille Ball-Bering.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM) & Norbert Wiener (mathematician) she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.


I wonder if Crayola has considered
making these changes?

















Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness----fishducky

 


    

20 comments:

  1. Some of those names fall firmly into the category of cruel and unusual punishment.

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  2. There are some interesting choices out there.

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  3. Fran, I have a friend whose maiden name was "horny". Can you imagine going through high school with that name?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess Kiewitsky wasn't that bad!!

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  4. Love the Michael Jackson crayon, along with the rest.

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  5. Dear Fran, when you wrote about the name you called out in the dentist's office I was reminded of teaching as a young nun in Seneca, Kansas. The first day I called out all the names of the fifth graders in our classroom and came to Russell Wintershete. I said, "Russell win-ter-shit" and the children laughed uproariously while Russell blushed bright red. I immediately tried to correct myself and kept saying it incorrectly. Finally, I got it--"Russel win-ter-sheet." But oh, I felt so regretful about embarrassing Russell. He was such a shy ten-year-old. And sweet too. Peace.

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    Replies
    1. I've often wondered about Shiitte!!

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  6. I am ever so grateful my parents weren't rich or famous. Chuckled at the security question as it hit home.

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    Replies
    1. I'm NOT so grateful my parents weren't rich!!

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  7. I always loved the names of the children of Frank Zappa (and how about River Phoenix and his brother, Leaf?). That said, every time I hear Jermajesty mentioned, I guffaw. Not just a laugh, mind you - a real live guffaw.

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    Replies
    1. Leaf Phoenix became Joaquin. Other siblings are Rain, Summer & Liberty. Their parent's last name was Bottom until they joined Children of God--I like Phoenix better!!

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  8. Last year, a Korean (I think) Major Leaguer named Hoo gat a base hit and for the first time in 70years, Hoo was actually on first.

    My favorite name from a hospital sign...Nosmo King.

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    Replies
    1. Hoo's on first--& it wasn't a question. I love it!!

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  9. These are way too funny for one visit. I am coming back for more laughs. Too many to hld my tummy.

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  10. I have to admit I wouldn't trust a real estate agent named Ben Dover.
    I think the entire world will get a huge surprise when one day a celebrity couple gives their newborn a completely normal name, like Steve or Mary. Teachers five years later might not be so happy when faced with a classroom of copycat Steves and Marys. I guess that's one thing in favour of all those weird names, you don't get whole generations of copycats. Can you imagine a whole class of Apples, Kal-els, Moon Units and Zowies? Taught by a teacher named Diva thin muffin Pigeen?

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    Replies
    1. There is very little that is beyond my imagination--but your scenario is!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.