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Thursday, April 30, 2015

I JUST FOUND OUT APRIL IS NATIONAL FROG MONTH!!


A concerned reader wrote: “I hear that April is National Frog Month, so I would like to know, how do I tell whether I am a frog?  And if I am one, can I get some sort of government benefits during National Frog Month?” (signed) Ambivalent Amphibian. 

My response:
Dear Ambivalent Amphibian:
If you are a frog you get government benefits year round.  To get these benefits you must first, as you wisely suggest, establish if you are a frog. Frogs do differ widely from other animals. Here are six ways to tell if you are a frog:

1. Do friends often call you a toad?
2. Do you have four legs? 
3. Are your hind legs built for leaping?
4. When you were young, did you have a tail and gills and live in water?
5. Do you eat mostly or entirely meat? 
6. Can you breathe through your skin?

If you look like a toad and have four legs, the hind ones designed for leaping, and you were once a tadpole, and you eat mostly or only insects and/or other animals and can breathe through your skin I would say, yes, you are a frog. So that’s it.  If you do turn out to be a frog, have a happy National Frog Month!!
(Edited way down from a National Wildlife Federation post.)


Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them!

What do you get when you cross a frog and a pig? A lifetime ban from the Muppet Show studio.

What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad? Star Warts. 

What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak? Morse toad!

What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog? A jumprope. 

What do stylish frogs wear? Jumpsuits. 

What do you call a frog spy? A croak and dagger agent.

What did the frog order at McDonald's? French flies and a diet Croak. 

What do you say to a hitchhiking frog? Hop in!

What do you call 144 frogs in a box? Gross!

Where is a frogs favorite place to eat? At ihop!

What kind of music do frogs listen to? Hip Hop

What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to? Hopera. 


Did you hear about the frog who needed glasses? He went to the hopthalmologist.

What did the sick frog need? a Hoperation. 


A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a frog walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the frog's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!!" "Not really," said the frog. "Your name is written inside the cover." 


A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a frog sitting next to him. "Are you a frog?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The frog replied, "Well, I really liked the book!!" 

jokes4us.

A crossword puzzle for you!!
(Answers the at end of the post.)















I try always to be modest, and I'm proud of it!!----fishducky

 






Wednesday, April 29, 2015

SIGNS OF THE TIMES (PART 2)

I'm happy I've never seen this sign:

Did you notice this one?



(See part 1 here.)

There are a lot of pointless signs out there--some of them are pretty funny!!
I found these on Arcamax:

At a Santa Fe gas station: "WE WILL SELL GASOLINE TO ANYONE IN A GLASS CONTAINER."
 
In a New York restaurant: 
"CUSTOMERS WHO CONSIDER OUR WAITRESSES UNCIVIL OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER." 

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: 
"TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW. --SISTERS OF MERCY"
 
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 
"38 YEARS ON THE SAME SPOT." 

In a Los Angeles dance hall: 
"GOOD CLEAN DANCING EVERY NIGHT BUT SUNDAY." 

In a Florida maternity ward: 
"NO CHILDREN ALLOWED." 

In a New York drugstore: 
"WE DISPENSE WITH ACCURACY." 

In the offices of a loan company: 
"ASK ABOUT OUR PLANS FOR OWNING YOUR HOME." 

In a New York medical building: 
"MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTER" 

On a New York convalescent home: 
"FOR THE SICK AND TIRED OF THE EPISCOPAL CHURCH."
 
On a Maine shop: 
"OUR MOTTO IS TO GIVE OUR CUSTOMERS THE LOWEST POSSIBLE PRICES, AND WORKMANSHIP." 

At a number of military bases: 
"RESTRICTED TO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONNEL."
 
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: 
"NOW AVAILABLE IN MULTI-PACKS."
 
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: 
"DON’T KILL YOUR WIFE. LET OUR WASHING MACHINE DO THE DIRTY WORK." 

In a funeral parlor: "ASK ABOUT OUR LAYAWAY PLAN."
 
In a clothing store: 
"WONDERFUL BARGAINS FOR MEN WITH 16 AND 17 NECKS."
 
In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: 
"15 MEN’S WOOL SUITS, $10. THEY WON’T LAST AN HOUR!" 

On a shopping mall marquee: 
"ARCHERY TOURNAMENT -- EARS PIERCED" 

Outside a country shop: 
"WE BUY JUNK AND SELL ANTIQUES." 

In the window of an Oregon store: 
"WHY GO ELSEWHERE AND BE CHEATED WHEN YOU CAN COME HERE?" 

In a Maine restaurant: 
"OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS." 

In the vestry of a New England church: "WILL THE LAST PERSON TO LEAVE PLEASE SEE THAT THE PERPETUAL LIGHT IS EXTINGUISHED." 

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: 
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
 
On the grounds of a public school: "
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION"

On a Tennessee highway: "
WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE

In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
 
In a Laundromat: 
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 

In a London department store: 
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
 
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY  PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: 
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
 

Outside a secondhand shop: 
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? 

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS 

Spotted in a safari park: 
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
 
Seen during a conference: 
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR 

Notice in a farmer's field: 
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. 

On a repair shop door: 
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Our friend Joe used to own a market.  The slogan on his weekly fliers read, "Lowest in Price, Highest in Quality."  One week they said, "Lowest in price, Lowest in Quality."  The printers got a new proofreader!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sign on company bulletin board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.” 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're too good for him." -Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA. 

"No wonder you always go home alone." -Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

I found these online:



Above a urinal in a golf course:

































On a tip jar:











Good luck on not getting a ticket:



Not a sign, but a stupid news banner:

And an even stupider placement of
a restroom for the handicapped:

Janie of dumpedfirstwife sent me these:



And these are from Susan at I think, therefore I yam:









I hope it's not a sign of things to come----fishducky