Wednesday, April 1, 2015


It's legends week, from my book "Fishducky's Fables".

In Shaw's play Pygmalion loves a statue, which comes to life.  In Lerner & Loewe's "My Fair Lady" Professor Higgins finds Eliza selling flowers.  This is the straight poop: 

Long ago in the far away kingdom of Cyprus, there lived King Ray Jay Pygmalion Johnson, a most unhappy man.  True, he had castles, gold, clothes of the finest silks & velvet & all the electronic equipment he could want, including the very newest smart phone & every video game ever made.  What he wanted, & didn’t have, was a wife.  He couldn’t find a woman to love in his entire kingdom.  He couldn’t even find a really hot date. 

He decided to try an online dating service—but which one?  He had heard rumors throughout the kingdom that many happy marriages resulted from memberships at haveigotagirlforyou.com, so he thought he’d give them a try.  Bad move!  The women they matched him with were rude & selfish.  He was totally turned off by the faults that nature had placed in these women.  He then joined queensareus.com, but those women were even worse & the men—don’t even ask! 

King Johnson gave up on the idea of finding a bride.  He saw an ad for a place called doyouneedafriend.com that sold interesting toys & ordered their deluxe inflatable woman doll (express delivery—what good is having money if you don’t use it?)  She never argued or complained & always had a smile on her face.  He named her “Galatea” because he liked the name, but nobody knows why.  He fell in love with her & took her everywhere he went.

A festival honoring the goddess Aphrodite was being held one weekend in the village of Woodstock.  He rode there in the royal carriage, with Galatea by his side, as usual.  They stopped at Ye Olde Honey Baked Ham Shoppe where he picked up a few hams.  (He had signed up to bring an entrée to the festival.)  He hoped Aphrodite would bring some of her famous macaroni & cheese, which he adored.  But I digress.

When they arrived at Woodstock he walked through the cheering (although stoned) crowd with his arm around Galatea’s waist so she wouldn’t fall over--or blow away.  (Occasionally, on touching a bramble bush, she would release a small, ladylike fart & fly around in circles, but he had learned to live with her small imperfections.)  He found Aphrodite, who, it turns out, had brought enough macaroni and cheese for everyone.  But I digress again.

Aphrodite commented on his inflatable escort & he told her of his problems with the dating services.  She said, “Didn’t you get my email?  I recently started my own dating service.  It’s called angelsbyaphrodite.com.  I usually don’t deal with mortals, but I do make exceptions for some friends.  How’d you like it if I turned this little balloon friend of yours into a human?”  And she did.

The king was overjoyed!  He gave Galatea a kiss & for the first time, she kissed him back!  She said, “My darling King Johnson,  I love you.  I have one request.  May I call you Pyggy?”  He said, “You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, or you can call me Ray J., or you can call me R. J., or you can call me Pyggy, but you doesn’t hasta call me Johnson!  By the way, will you marry me?”  (Editor’s note: This shtick was stolen & used successfully by a comedian in the 1970’s, which proves good humor is timeless. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_J._Johnson)

The kingdom was excited.  The king & Galatea had been living together for quite some time & now they could be legally married!  Aphrodite magically produced Buddy from Carlo’s Bakery, who brought a 72 tier wedding cake adorned with chocolate cannons which fired M&M’s.  She also produced Friar Tuck to perform the ceremony right then.  (Goddesses can do anything!)

After the festival they went home to their castle.   Galatea got Aphrodite’s recipe for macaroni & cheese, which she made for him faithfully every Tuesday.  Pyggy still went bowling every Thursday & they had a “date night” on Saturdays.  He gave her American Express, Visa & MasterCards with no limit.  It was good to be rich!  She never minded ordering the servants to pick up & wash his dirty socks & underwear.   They had three beautiful children & lived happily ever after. 

I couldn't find very many good cartoons on this subject,
so here are three songs from "My Fair Lady":

P.S.  When Bud was in law school some of his fellow students
wrote a legal-themed parody of My Fair Lady.
This was the only song I remember.
Their version went,
“To arraign insane, look mainly to the brain.”
I thought it was brilliant!!

And a few cartoons:

Don't miss my 2nd post today:

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire at night----fishducky



  1. I do like a happy ending. And I love that Galatea gets on well with the servants.

    1. I'm sure I would get along with my servants, too--if I had ANY!!

  2. Fun story and I always appreciate a happy ending.


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