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Tuesday, April 7, 2015

THAT'S NOT PUNNY!!




Tired of moaning at the same old puns?  These are new (to me, anyway) ones that I've found. Feel free to moan away!!  Aren't you glad that you have someone to do these searches for you?











kickasshumor.com



Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. 

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.

A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
punoftheday.com

At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

Velcro - what a rip off!

I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
dumbjokes.com


These are ALL from Carol Wyer at Facing 50 With Humour:

I once got a job blogging for a French recipe site. I had to quit, because it gave me the crepes.
I avoid using apostrophes in my writing. They are too possessive.
I lie awake at night sometimes worrying that my words, phrases, and punctuation will end up in court. Why? To be sentenced, of course.
As a writer, I constantly feel cold, probably because I’m surrounded by so many drafts.
I believe we can all become better writers if we network and share simile experiences.
My editor once criticized my writing. He said that double negatives were a “no-no.”
I just read a book about anti-gravity, and I'm telling you, it's impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the blog post on oxygen and potassium? It was OK.
Did you see the blog on renewable energy? I'm a big fan.
The journalist went to Greece to see the ancient ruins and is now writing several columns about them.
The second best writing implement in the world is the pen ultimate.
Some people still think that writing long stories is a novel idea.
Poets will rule all the galaxies someday because they’re masters of the you know verse.



A man by the name of Tates designed the very first compass for large-scale production and sale in the United States. It was a very significant achievement, but alas, it proved not to be too reliable and many people who relied on it became hopelessly lost. It did, however, cause a saying which is very much in use today to be developed... 

He who has a Tates is lost.

arcamax 















I'll close with an old one: There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.----fishducky

 







16 comments:

  1. There are some gems there.
    My absolute favourite pun is one of Dorothy Parker's.
    'Champagne to my real friends,
    Real pain to my sham friends.'

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    Replies
    1. If I had been familiar with that quote, I would have used it!!

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  2. I love a pun more than any kind of fun.

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  3. A grown is good for your health.
    "Old gnu dog tricks?" love it.

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    Replies
    1. I hope I've fulfilled your RDA for groans!!

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  4. These made me laugh more than I thought they would. Especially: I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

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  5. The vowel movement was really the kicker on this one! Great job, Fran.

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    Replies
    1. It's nice to know my work is appreciated!!

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  6. My dad loves puns! I am going to have to forward this to him. Thanks, Fran. Perfect timing. ;)

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    Replies
    1. I'm so glad he's feeling well enough to enjoy them!!

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  7. I have a friend who is going to enjoy these!

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  8. I've want to talk to you about cheeses....that is a scream.
    R

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    Replies
    1. I've used that cartoon before & I probably will again--it's one of my favorites!!

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