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Friday, May 15, 2015

ALICE IN WONDERLAND (AN UNAUTHORIZED BIOGRAPHY)





It's fairy tale week again (from my book, "Fishducky's Fables")!!


Alice was very bored while sitting outside with her mother until she saw a white rabbit looking at his watch and talking to himself. She found this odd, because although rabbits have been known to have watches, they very seldom talk to themselves.  She followed him down a very deep rabbit hole and ended up far beneath the ground in a hall with a tiny locked door that led to a beautiful garden. She found a cheeseburger, fries and a Diet Coke next to signs that said, “Eat me” and “Drink me” that made her change in size, but she was still unable to get through the door into the garden.  She knew she shouldn't have finished the fries, but they tasted so good.

When she became absolutely enormous, she cried in frustration and when she shrank, she was small enough to swim around in a swimming pool made of her own tears.  “It’s a good thing I brought my bathing suit,” she thought.  In the pool, she encountered many creatures including a mouse, which are not normally allowed in swimming pools without an adult to supervise them. 

Alice got directions and found the rabbit's house but no one was there except a centipede, who was getting a pedicure.  She told him she was trying to become the right size to get into the garden and he told her that eating one side of the chair he was sitting on would make her larger but eating the other side would make her smaller.  She said she was still too full from the fries to eat another bite, but could he please take her to the garden?  He said that he would, right after his pedicure was done, but that it might take quite a while because they’d only just finished his first foot.  Alice thanked him and left.

She came to a house in the woods where a lady, her ugly baby, her nasty cook and her cat lived. The kitchen counter was full of pepper and dirty dishes were on the floor. Alice tried to save the baby from this unsanitary place, but the baby soon turned into a pig and said that he liked the mess, so she let it go.  The cat smiled at Alice, showing her dentures, and suggested that she visit the hatter, who was at Martha Stewart’s house, but that she had better be careful because he was mad at the dormouse and she didn’t know why.  The cat slowly faded away, starting from her tail until finally all Alice could see were her dentures.

Alice went to Martha Stewart’s house, where she found her hosting a tea party for two brothers, Tweedledum and Tweedledumber.  Everything looked scrumptious and the decorations were lovely.  She complimented Martha, who told her that made them all herself.  She sat down at the table with the hostess, the hatter and the dormouse, who started arguing.  Although Martha said it was a good thing, she found it rude and quickly became annoyed with them and left.  She decided to go through a door in a tree and again found herself in the room with the tiny door leading to the garden. This time she managed to squeeze through.

Suddenly, a turtle appeared, followed by the Queen of Hearts and her whole deck of playing cards. The Queen invited Alice to play no-limit poker and Alice quickly agreed, because poker was her game!  It wasn’t long before she won the entire kingdom and became the new Queen of Hearts.  The former Queen started mocking the turtle, saying that it was his fault, but Alice knew that was impolite and she ordered her to stop.


At this point, Alice again found herself in her own yard, sitting next to her mother.  Her mother said that it was time for Alice to get moving, that she hadn’t done her homework and she had to study for a big math test tomorrow.  She said that Alice still had chores to do and that their grouchy old neighbor was coming over for dinner.  As soon as her mother went inside their house, Alice went looking for the rabbit hole so she could jump back in.  After all, she knew it would be much more fun to be the Queen of Hearts than to be plain old Alice!!










Advice is what you ask when you already know the answer but wished you didn't----fishducky

 



18 comments:

  1. I've worked with people who were known as tweedledum and tweedledumber, they really were as thick as two short planks.
    I've noticed fries have that enlarging effect on me too!
    Love the bear waiting at the exit of 'wonderland'

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    1. The beaer had a very convenient catering service!!

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    1. I'm going to go eat something fattening!!

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  3. I'm a little tweedledum some evenings after a long day .
    R

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  4. Now I'll have that Grace Slick thing going through my head all day!

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    1. I'm not taking responsibility for your head!!

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  5. Oh, Josh! Me, too!! "One pill makes you larger..." ;)
    Love your quote at the end, Fran.

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    1. In that case, I'm glad I stole it from off the internet!!

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  6. Oh crap, I hadn't thought about Grace Slick till joeh brought it up. Gee thanks.
    Loved your version however, especially the Martha Stewart reference. Now to get that song out of my head.

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    1. Not responsible for your head, either--I have too much trouble with my own!!

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  7. The story of Alice in Wonderland has always baffled me. Even as a kid it seemed weird. Never one of my favorites, maybe because my grumpy mother was named Alice.

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    1. Did you ever try pushing her down a rabbit hole?

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  8. You have cleared up some questions I have had for decades. Now it makes so much more sense.

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    1. That's the first time anyone ever said, "Now it makes so much more sense" when I explained something to them!!

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  9. And to think that they had us believe things were really that weird. What were we thinking believing and loving that story. LOL

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    1. As you MUST know, I have nothing against weird!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.