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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

AN OLIO OF VARIOUS & ASSORTED MISCELLANEOUS SNIPPETS (PART 1)


I couldn't find enough of one subject to fill a blog & these were too good to waste, so here goes:

From Carole--thank you, Carole!!

Young people have theirs; now seniors have their own texting codes:
ATD - At the doctor's
BFF - Best friend's funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In!)
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
TOT - Texting on Toilet
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
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Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge. 

1) Beating around the bush 

2) Jumping to conclusions
 

3) Climbing the walls
 

4) Swallowing my pride
 

5) Passing the buck
 

6) Throwing my weight around
 

7) Dragging my heels
 

8) Pushing my luck
 

9) Making mountains out of molehills
 

10) Hitting the nail on the head
 

11) Wading through paperwork
 

12) Bending over backwards
 

13) Jumping on the bandwagon
 

14) Balancing the books
 

15) Running around in circles
 

16) Picking up the pieces
 

17) Tooting my own horn
 

18) Climbing the ladder of success
 

19) Pulling out the stops
 

20) Adding fuel to the fire
 
21) Opening a can of worms 

22) Picking up the pieces  

23) Starting the ball rolling
 

24) Going over the edge
 

And for my diet:

1) Eating crow
2) Putting my foot in my mouth
ArcaMax
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't see what the fuss is about house cleaning; seems easy enough to me. 

1. Open a new file in your PC. 

2. Name it "Housework." 

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN 

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN 

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?" 

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly..... 

7. Feel better?
arcamax
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Medical Records

The following are actual medical records [supposedly] taken from patients' actual medical charts... 

-- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. 

-- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 

-- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. 

-- She is numb from her toes down. 

-- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 

-- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 

-- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 

-- Patient was alert and unresponsive. 

-- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich.

He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" He handed the green guy his coke.

He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leaned out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?" "Registration and license please" came the reply.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forward then backward, again and again. Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding; her face was flushed, she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream and shouted, "OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park, you do it!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Susan at "I Think; Therefore I Yam":

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess; I have been helping myself to your wife day and night when you're not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home - but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.”

The man, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife dead.

A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn Autospell!  Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to ‘your wifi’."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I hadn’t recorded a greeting yet on my new answering machine, so when my mother came to visit, I asked her to tape one. 

"This is Marcia’s mother," my machine announced. "Marcia is an only child; she never writes, she never calls. So why not give me a buzz? I’d be happy to talk to you. My number is..." 

Everyone called my mother. She loved the attention. 














I can now delete a lot of my notes----fishducky








12 comments:

  1. There are some absolute gems here. Thank you. And at last an exercise program I can honestly say I follow consistently.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's kept me in the shape I'm in!!

      Delete
  2. "Your work lacks subtlety" that's funny.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've been numb from the toes down or years.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Replies
    1. Glad you're feeling better this week!!

      Delete
  5. Wow, I do most all of those exercises. Who knew I was so fit? Laughed out loud at Pickles lying up about his age. I've been known to do that. Hope I don't get his results.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why lie about your age? You're 36, just like me, aren't you?

      Delete
  6. Lots of laughs here thanks.
    Numb from the toes down? If she sleeps like a bat that could be a problem....
    I do quite a few of those exercises, definitely not the running in circles though.
    Running is too much hard work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Walking in circles gets you to the same place, but MUCH later!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.