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Thursday, May 21, 2015

AN OLIO OF VARIOUS & ASSORTED MISCELLANEOUS SNIPPETS (PART 2)


Here's more stuff that doesn't fit in with any theme:

A monastery decides to start a fish and chips cafe. When the restaurant opens, a customer comes in, and asks one of the clerics, “Are you the fish fryer?” “Oh, no,” the cleric answers, “I'm the chip monk!!” 
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OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings. 

BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."  
arcamax
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 A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one
day in mid session and begins to shout, 

"Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!" 

All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a long pause, the angry member accepted. 

"OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
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 -- How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 

-- How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
 

-- How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path.
 

-- What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
 

-- What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids.
 

-- What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.
 

-- What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
 

-- What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
 

-- What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
 

-- What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
 

-- What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
 

-- Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
 
arcamax
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(Our system uses a PLU [Product Listed Under] list, which consists of numbers from 1-200, which are used for produce, milk, flowers, and meat coming through the registers. It has been a long busy day and I was getting a bit bored with repeating the same spiel over and over, so I decided to mix it up a little bit.)
Me: “Your total comes to $94.55. Would you like to pay by cash, card, or firstborn child today?”
Customer: “Firstborn child? How much is she worth?”
Me: *turns to customer’s daughter* “How old are you this year?”
Customer’s Daughter: “I’m five and two thirds!”
(I put the number five into the system, which corresponds with a 750 gram bag of tomatoes, worth $3.50.)
Me: *to the customer* “She’s worth $3.50.”
Customer: “D***, not enough. It’ll have to be card.”
(The transaction finishes and she starts to head off.)
Customer: “Can I pay with my husband next time?”
Notalwaysright.com
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Two men playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said, "I’ll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said, "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said, "I’ll walk up and tell them." He came back and said, "We both have the same problem.”
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"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" 
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
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Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep them from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."
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"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."----Dennis Wholey (& fishducky) 

 








17 comments:

  1. I'm thinking Philip and the secretary might have been a young fishducky!

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  2. Such fun to read through your blog today for all the stuff that doesn't fit somewhere. I've only seen a couple of them before, so they were really fun and entertaining.

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    1. I TRY to make my blog fun and entertaining every day!!

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  3. Love that definition of opera.
    Some big smiles, and a few groans here. Thanks Fran.

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    1. I've only seen a few operas, but I think it tends to be true!!

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  4. Loved the golfers but also Tim Conway. What a funny guy.

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  5. Kevin James is pretty freaky, but I'd really like to know what Yoko Ono is doing on that show.

    Love,
    Janie

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  6. Love that Egg doner Clinic. I like opera, but my husband will certainly agree with your definition.

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    1. My son-in-law & daughter introduced me to opera a few years ago. We had tickets for one season--I loved it, much to my surprise!!

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  7. Loving these olios.
    Had a chuckle at Peter and his hat.

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    1. I guess under the right circumstances the self-lifting WOULD be automatic!!

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  8. John Cleese is one of the funniest comedians on the planet. mo Ty Python and In Search of the Holy Grail is a scream.

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    1. I loved him in "A Fish Called Wanda"!!

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