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Tuesday, June 30, 2015

LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!!





BECOME A BETTER LIAR--IT'S EASY!
Just follow these steps:

1.First of all, minimize your lies. If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.

2. Try to cry while you're lying. Everyone believes someone who's crying.

3. Always swear to god (not God with a capital "G"... you'll be punished severely!) Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.

4. Emphasize each word (e.g. I... SWEAR... TO... GOD!!!)

5. Break something (a dish or a vase) if you detect that the listener is even remotely doubting you.

6. Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this". Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best friends always side with you whether you're lying or not.

7. Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib, you'll stutter. Never stutter!

8. Never stay in the same city for more than a few months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to 3 months on the average.

9. Don't take chances on lies that can be easily researched. For instance, don't say you own Don Quixote's original sword. Your listener might find out that Don Quixote was a fictional character.

10. Stick to your lie NO MATTER WHAT!!

11. Try going to law school. You can make good money, too!!
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ADS FROM WOMEN--What they really mean

40-ish... 48
Adventurer... Has had more partners than you ever will 
Athletic... Flat-chested 
Average looking... Ugly 
Beautiful... Pathological liar 
Contagious Smile... Bring your penicillin 
Educated... College dropout
Emotionally Secure... Medicated 
Feminist... Fat; ball buster 
Free spirit... Substance user 
Friendship first... Trying to live down reputation as slut 
Fun... Annoying 
Gentle... Comatose 
Good Listener... Borderline Autistic 
New-Age... All body hair, all the time 
Old-fashioned... Lights out, missionary position only 
Open-minded... Desperate 
Outgoing... Loud 
Passionate... Loud 
Poet... Depressive Schzophrenic 
Professional... Real Witch 
Redhead... Shops the Clairol section 
Reubenesque... Grossly Fat 
Romantic... Looks better by candle light 
Voluptuous... Very Fat 
Wants Soulmate... One step away from stalking 
Widow... Nagged first husband to death 
Young at heart... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN 
Average looking... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back 
Educated... Will always treat you like an idiot 
Free Spirit... Sleeps with your sister 
Friendship first... As long as friendship involves nudity Fun... Good with a remote and a six pack 
Good looking... Arrogant 
Honest... Pathological Liar 
Huggable... Overweight, more body hair than a bear 
Likes to cuddle... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature... Until you get to know him
Open-minded... Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested 
Physically fit... I spend a lot of time in front of a mirror admiring myself 
Poet... Has written on a bathroom stall 
Spiritual... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday 
Stable... Occasional stalker, but never arrested 
Thoughtful... Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Young at heart…pedophile

Well there you have it, truth in advertising!!
all above courtesy jokebuddha.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two oldies but goodies:

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians. 

When the local sheriff came out & saw the crashed bus, he asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. He told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" He said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but they were politicians & I didn’t believe them!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And one new one (from Susan):

A man went to the doctor’s office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.
Doctor: I can’t give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?
Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.
Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend said she's is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife promised to be here on Saturday & my wife told me she's coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented.
Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling.
Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
Man: No one showed up.

                                                       From the movie "Liar, Liar":
                                                    
                             

Who can you believe?









Courtesy BuzzFeed

Lots of cartoons
& that's the truth!!

Thanks, Susan!!














How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?----fishducky

 








Monday, June 29, 2015

“EXCUSE ME. SIR, BUT……….”





(For your dining pleasure, an assortment of reworked posts.)

This happened a long time ago.  At my age--80--everything happened a long time ago.  My husband & I were making our first trip to Europe.  We had been with friends (Earl & Flavia) in Paris & we went to London.  We decided to invite our friends from France to come over to London & go to a stage show & dinner as a “thank you”. 

We saw “Jesus Christ, Superstar”, which had just opened & were walking to the restaurant when Flavia stopped to buy some bangers (very potent smelling British sausages).  At the restaurant--an extremely quiet & genteel place, like an English gentlemen’s club--the coat check girl offered to hold the bangers for us.  Flavia said she was worried she’d forget them.  The girl assured her she wouldn’t forget them.  We were seated in a horseshoe shaped booth with me on the far left & were laughing about the coat check girl’s sensitive nose.  We were all smoking--no one knew it was bad then--& I was buttering a roll.  Flavia snorted, blowing ashes on the rolls & butter & I said, “I can’t take you anywhere” when the roll suddenly flew out of my hand.   There was a man in the next booth to my left who conveniently (?) had his jacket pocket gaping open.  Yes, my roll, unknown to him, landed in his pocket!

If I had stopped to think about it at the time, I would have had two options. One would have been to say, in an ever so sophisticated way, “Excuse me, sir, but my roll is in your pocket” & the other would have been to say nothing & wait until he got home when he would probably say to his wife, “Look, Edna--I don’t mind carrying your lipstick or your glasses for you, but this is ridiculous!”

I did neither of those sensible things.  Without thinking, I simply leaned forward & picked his pocket.  He never felt a thing.  I had had absolutely no practice.  It must have been an inborn skill.  We laughed so loudly it was embarrassing.  

Flavia asked the maitre d' for a doggy bag for her leftovers.  He said, "Oh, you have a dog?"  She told him no, that she had a cat.  "So do I," he said, "What kind?"  She said that she actually had a bobcat.  "So do I," he said & they whipped out pictures--proud parents that they were!!

When we were leaving, the maître d’ thanked us for coming.  We told him everyone was so nice that as a favor to him we would never be back.  He said, “No—please come back.  It was wonderful to have live people here for a change!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometime around 1970, Bud & I were driving down Pacific Coast Highway.  We passed a very expensive, very exclusive restaurant &, on a whim, decided to have a late lunch there.  The maître d’ greeted us & asked if we had a reservation.  We told him we didn’t & he said he’d see what he could do.  He turned & studied the nearly empty dining area for several moments.  He then turned back to us & asked, with a straight face, “Would you prefer a round table or a square one?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband is a very intelligent man, but somehow he can’t seem to learn foreign languages.  I had to do all his translating for him in France, which I really didn’t mind doing.  I have to admit I did get some strange looks when asking where the men’s room was.  We were in a restaurant before the days of women’s lib.  I got us a table, ordered dinner for the two of us, asked for some bread, got Bud some extra water (with ice) & requested the check.  I’m sure our waiter told his coworkers he was going to give it to the pushy broad with the fat guy!


For an interesting dining experience, watch this:

And this:












Excuse me, I'm going to go get something to eat----fishducky

 




Friday, June 26, 2015

I'D LIKE ANOTHER WASS OF GLINE, PLEASE






(A reworked post from January, 2014.)

I'll have a glass of wine with dinner once a month or so, but I've never felt the need to drink. Except, of course, after the Cub Scout meetings at my home when the kids were growing up. That was "Stay away from Mommy" time.  I've been tipsy, but I was only drunk out of my skull twice in my life.  Let me tell you about those times, as best as I can remember.

We had gone to a party & I must have had a very good time.  While Bud was taking the babysitter home, I attempted (successfully!) to navigate our long & narrow hall to our bedroom. I'm grateful the hall was so narrow, because the only way I could keep from falling over was to keep my arms shoulder height at my sides, palms facing outward.  That way, when I tipped to one side or the other, I found my self braced against the wall.  Pretty clever for a drunk, I think!!

The other time, we were going on vacation the following day & Bud's office threw us a going away party.  I don't remember the party but I do remember sitting on my dresser while one of the secretaries packed for me & then put me to bed.  Secretaries are apparently talented in many ways!!

We were staying at a hotel in Puerto Vallarta with our friends, Bob & Phyllis.  We tried hard not to be “ugly Americans” & to speak as much Spanish as we could.  Bob really liked butter & at dinner, he always wanted more.  He would say to the waiter, “More mantequilla, por favor".  We couldn’t understand why, if he could learn the words for butter (mantequilla) & please (por favor) he couldn’t remember the much simpler word for more (mas).  He DID manage to master the emergency phrase, “Tres margaritas, por favor.  Dos con sal y uno sin sal.”  (“Three margaritas, please.  Two with salt & one without salt.”)  I like lots of salt on mine!!

Bud was never a drinker--after he was 21.  Before then, he would drink occasionally with his friends to feel more mature.  He decided he didn't like the taste of alcohol, so he quit shortly after.  His father, Phil, was an executive in the Musicians' Union.  He & Bud were in a bar with his Caesar Petrillo, the then president of the union.  Mr. Petrillo asked Phil why it was that when people are paying for their own drinks, they'll have rotgut, but when it's on him they all have call shot whiskey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" 

The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender." So the bartender fills the glass. 

The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dyslexic drunk walks into a bra…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order?
A: "A beer please, and one for the road."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards looks into his pocket. The man says, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I’ll go home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk" The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief--I thought I was a cripple."
all above from jokes4us.com 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. 

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." 

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" 

The man replied, "That would be my wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A supposedly true story:

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed.

He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers inquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. 

Inside the garage was the state troopers’ car.
____________________
The next two items were posted in tumblr:


There’s a very drunk man down my street who has been flirting with a tree for twenty minutes now.  
He’s on his knees now. I think he’s proposing. 
Drunk man currently walking away from the tree, shouting “YOU’RE ALL THE SAME”.
____________________

I’m having a fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes. Okay, it’s all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.


A fondness for beer can
help your fellow man.


Susan (I Think, Therefore I Yam) sent me this.
Thanks, Susan!!

Drunkenness is not confined to humans: 


This store apparently frowns on drinking alcohol
but  not selling it:







I love these wine openers.

You can do impressions with them:
If I spin them, it always reminds me of an ice skater.

Move the "arms" up & down & it exercises.

Turn the "head" of the opener & recreate a scene from "The Exorcist".

























Never publicly identify yourself as a drinker:
















Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do at meetings is stand up and say, "My name is Tom and I'm an alcoholic?"----fishducky