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Tuesday, June 30, 2015

LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!!





BECOME A BETTER LIAR--IT'S EASY!
Just follow these steps:

1.First of all, minimize your lies. If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.

2. Try to cry while you're lying. Everyone believes someone who's crying.

3. Always swear to god (not God with a capital "G"... you'll be punished severely!) Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.

4. Emphasize each word (e.g. I... SWEAR... TO... GOD!!!)

5. Break something (a dish or a vase) if you detect that the listener is even remotely doubting you.

6. Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this". Be sure to name your best friend, though. Best friends always side with you whether you're lying or not.

7. Plan out your lie ahead of time. Never ad lib, you'll stutter. Never stutter!

8. Never stay in the same city for more than a few months. People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to 3 months on the average.

9. Don't take chances on lies that can be easily researched. For instance, don't say you own Don Quixote's original sword. Your listener might find out that Don Quixote was a fictional character.

10. Stick to your lie NO MATTER WHAT!!

11. Try going to law school. You can make good money, too!!
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ADS FROM WOMEN--What they really mean

40-ish... 48
Adventurer... Has had more partners than you ever will 
Athletic... Flat-chested 
Average looking... Ugly 
Beautiful... Pathological liar 
Contagious Smile... Bring your penicillin 
Educated... College dropout
Emotionally Secure... Medicated 
Feminist... Fat; ball buster 
Free spirit... Substance user 
Friendship first... Trying to live down reputation as slut 
Fun... Annoying 
Gentle... Comatose 
Good Listener... Borderline Autistic 
New-Age... All body hair, all the time 
Old-fashioned... Lights out, missionary position only 
Open-minded... Desperate 
Outgoing... Loud 
Passionate... Loud 
Poet... Depressive Schzophrenic 
Professional... Real Witch 
Redhead... Shops the Clairol section 
Reubenesque... Grossly Fat 
Romantic... Looks better by candle light 
Voluptuous... Very Fat 
Wants Soulmate... One step away from stalking 
Widow... Nagged first husband to death 
Young at heart... Toothless crone

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST

40-ish... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN 
Average looking... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back 
Educated... Will always treat you like an idiot 
Free Spirit... Sleeps with your sister 
Friendship first... As long as friendship involves nudity Fun... Good with a remote and a six pack 
Good looking... Arrogant 
Honest... Pathological Liar 
Huggable... Overweight, more body hair than a bear 
Likes to cuddle... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature... Until you get to know him
Open-minded... Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested 
Physically fit... I spend a lot of time in front of a mirror admiring myself 
Poet... Has written on a bathroom stall 
Spiritual... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday 
Stable... Occasional stalker, but never arrested 
Thoughtful... Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Young at heart…pedophile

Well there you have it, truth in advertising!!
all above courtesy jokebuddha.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two oldies but goodies:

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians. 

When the local sheriff came out & saw the crashed bus, he asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. He told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" He said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but they were politicians & I didn’t believe them!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals."
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And one new one (from Susan):

A man went to the doctor’s office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.
Doctor: I can’t give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?
Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.
Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend said she's is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife promised to be here on Saturday & my wife told me she's coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented.
Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling.
Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?
Man: No one showed up.

                                                       From the movie "Liar, Liar":
                                                    
                             

Who can you believe?









Courtesy BuzzFeed

Lots of cartoons
& that's the truth!!

Thanks, Susan!!














How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?----fishducky

 








10 comments:

  1. Love the choo choo bus. Public transport with aspirations.
    My youngest brother perfected the lying game. He would start by telling the truth so it sounded like a lie. People called him on it, and he was proved to be telling the truth. He did that a few times, and then lied his heart out - because no-one challenged him again.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Truth in advertising??
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    I don't have to worry about planning and carefully constructing my lies.
    Those little bitzers roll out of my mouth all on their own.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some of us (& by that I mean you) have very little self control!

      Delete
  3. Totally cracked up at the ads from women. I am a very poor liar. My ears turn red and my memory trips me up every time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never forget anything--in fact, my husband claims some of my best memories NEVER happened!!

      Delete
  4. Young at heart--- pedophile!

    That one really made me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  5. X made so many accusations against me and said I was a liar about so many things that for a time, before the divorce, I questioned reality. It was hideous.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Reminds me of the old joke: The defendant tells the judge he wants to change his plea from "Not guilty" to "Guilty". He says, "I didn't think I did it until I heard all that testimony against me!!"

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.