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Tuesday, June 2, 2015

TRANSCRIPT OF AN ACTUAL INTERVIEW WITH THE FISH POLICE (THE COD SQUAD) & A MURDER SUSPECT, A POOR SOLE







Fish Police: We’ve been herring a lot about you.  Our sources say you used to be a card shark & now you work for the codfather as a hit man.  We know you're one of his groupers--you all have your fins cut in a mullet.  Admit it, you killed Susan Swordfish!!

Poor Sole:  That’s a bunch of abalone!!  I’m a prawn again Christian & I would never do such a crappie thing. For the love of Cod, I’m not gillty!!

F.P.  How do you explain all those sand dollars you’ve been tossing around?

P.S.  I make a very good living tuning pianos--I’m an excellent piano tuna.

F.P.  That sounds fishy.  We have witnesses who saw you with her, so admit it!!

P.S.  They've scrod me before & they're just trying to screw me again. That must be why they say, “Keep your friends close & your anemones closer.”

F.P.  Come on, tell us where you were last Friday--& don’t clam up on us!!

P.S.  Last Friday I was seasick--I had a really bad migraine haddock so I went to the sturgeon to see if he could kelp me.

F.P.  And did he kelp?

P.S.  Yeah--I felt a lot better so I thought I’d catch some dinner.  I was tired of seafood so I went to the Crabby Patty & ordered a hamburger; hold the grunions.  I even had dessert; a piece of OctoPie.

F.P.  What about Susan?

P.S.  Susan Swordfish & I went to school together.  I always thought she was as cute as Drew Barracuda so I thought I’d look her up after dinner.  You know, just for the halibut.

F.P.  And did you two reconnect?

P.S.  I heard she was working at the Life’s a Beach Café so I went there.  I saw her take her cute little wrasse into the ladies' room & waited until she came out; so I guess you could say I lobster & then I flounder again.

F.P.  Holy mackerel, will you stop being such a pain in the bass?  That story smelt finny.  Are you trying to blame her murder on salmon else?

P.S.  All right!!  I admit I killed her, but I didn’t do it on porpoise!!  It was self defense.  At first she was friendly & she even flirted with me.  She perched on a stool & was acting koi.  She hugged me & said, “Oh, you squid!!”  I took the bait & kissed her.  She got all crabby & started screaming, “You little shrimp!!  You're nothing but a clownfish.  I like a fish with big mussels--I’ll krill you!!”  She flippered out, picked up a hammerhead & was hitting me & acting ruffy.  Oh, the inhu-manatee!!  I felt as disoriented as the time I swam into a wall--dam!!  I thought she was going to stab me with her nose.  I pushed her away & she fell & hit her head--I swear I didn’t mean to hurt her!!


F.P. (note) After further investigation, we determined that he was telling the trout & let him off the hook.









A Swiss Army fish:


A fish-loving cat discovers karma

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely----fishducky

 




  

16 comments:

  1. This is hilarious. My jaw is aching from the grinning. (tomorrow it will be aching from the dentist)

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    1. Your score tomorrow: grinning 1, dentist 2, jaw 0!!

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  2. For the love of Cod! What a scream.

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    1. Do you & Jilda sing rounds? How about "Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat"?

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  3. Crazy lady! Who else would come up with such silliness on a Tuesday morning? Fun.

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    1. That WOULD be crazy--I came up with it Monday night!!

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  4. The "fish loving cat" is hilarious. I need that balloon shark, Fran. LOL.

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  5. It's no use whistling. ROFL!
    My dad's favorite humor was using puns or play on words. He would have loved this!
    Have a great week, Fran. :)

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    Replies
    1. Maybe they get my post in heaven--it COULD happen!!

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  6. I don't generally mind holy mackerels. But, they can be super judgmental. Especially around Easter.

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    1. I'm Jewish. They just pass over me!!

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  7. I want that shark. I need that shark...
    Big smiles - and thank you.

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  8. You are so punny. That's excellent!

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Thank you, oh great Queen of Grammar!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.