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Friday, July 31, 2015

SMARTASS COMMENTS I'VE MADE, HEARD OR SEEN




Some of these are new & some I posted earlier.  What's the difference--you probably won't remember the old ones, anyway!!

When my son-in-law first moved to the United States he spoke no English.  It was imperative that he learn some important words & phrases quickly.  These, of course, included “please” & “thank you” & “where’s the bathroom?”  He feels that the most important phrase he learned was, “It’s not my fault.  It’s Nameless’ fault!!”
____________________
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The last question was, “Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.”  One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  However, he started off with:

 1) It is the perfect formula for the child.
 2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
 3) It is always the right temperature.
 4) It is inexpensive.
 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
 6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get at it.

He got an A.

____________________
Sometime around 1970, Bud & I were driving down Pacific Coast Highway.  We passed a very expensive, very exclusive restaurant &, on a whim, decided to have a late lunch there.  The tuxedoed maĆ®tre d’ greeted us & asked if we had a reservation.  We told him we didn’t & he said he’d see what he could do.  He turned & studied the nearly empty dining area for several moments.  He then turned back to us & asked, with a straight face, “Would you prefer a round table or a square one?”
____________________
Do you ever get tired of telemarketers calling & yet you’re too polite to just hang up?  Me, too.  I think I got even some time ago when I was very busy & someone called me with an offer for pre-need funerals.  “I told him, “I’m so sorry—I wish you had called last week.  I died yesterday!!”
____________________
When Matt was about 8, a friend of ours had to have part of his colon removed.  Matt (our comedian in training) asked if that meant he would be left with a semicolon.
____________________
I was Christmas shopping one year & found the perfect T-shirt for Blake.  It had a picture of a TV remote control on the front & said, “It’s a man thing!”  I told the saleswoman I’d like one in an extra-large.   She didn’t have any under the counter so she called across the busy store to a stock boy, “I need a ‘man thing’ in an extra-large!!”  The woman behind me in line said, “Don’t we all?”  Cracked up the whole store!!
____________________
Blake was 52 this year.  I am 36.  The best way to explain this anomaly is to tell you about something that I read in one of Kirk Douglas’ books.  A “senior” movie actress was being interviewed.  The reporter said, “Forgive me, Madame, but I have to ask.  Your son (who was also a star) admits to being 56.  You claim to be 63.  How can this be?”  Her answer (& mine): “He has his life—I have mine!”
____________________
In the olden days, when parents felt safe in letting their very young children walk to school & back alone, my parents were babysitting our 7 or 8 year old daughter while we were on a trip.  They became quite worried when one day she was over a half hour late in getting home from school.  When she finally got home, they asked her why she was so late.  Our daughter, who wishes to be nameless, always had a very logical brain.  She told them she had taken a “long” cut.
____________________
No subject was ever off limits at our dinner table.  Once Nameless asked what a homosexual was.  We weren’t sure how to explain this to an 8 year old.  We told her that while most men love women, there were some men who loved other men.  We said this was the way God made them & it was fine.  We asked her if she understood & she said, “Yeah, you mean like a lesbian, only a man!!”
___________________
My granddaughter, Nameless III, looked exactly like me when we were both babies was absolutely beautiful when she was little--& she still is!  One night, her father was in the kitchen visiting with me while I was cooking dinner.  (I TOLD you I used to cook dinner!)  He said that he knew all parents thought their children were beautiful, but that Nameless III was special.  He said he knew Nameless II, his 3 year old, was beautiful, but 1 year old Nameless III was even more so.  He asked me my opinion.  I told him I agreed with him, but as her grandmother, it was possible I was just a little bit prejudiced.  He said, “No, I’m right, & I’m not the only one who thinks so.  MY MOTHER thinks so, too!”


This is 1 year old Nameless III:

____________________
When our sons were in the Cub Scouts, Bud was the troop leader & I was the head den mother.  We were talking to some of the other parents about our upcoming trip (our first) to Paris.  We said we were booked into a hotel room that was at one time occupied by Mistinguett, who had been a famous actress, singer & courtesan (hooker? mistress?) & that the furniture was mirrored & that there was a fur bedspread.  Bud & I were on the bed, doing what married couples do on a bed besides sleeping, when I told him to move his hand.  He asked why & I told him “I can’t see!!” 

One of the fathers, Abe, was a furrier.  He asked for a nude photo on that bedspread.  We told him OK.  When we returned, we hosted a dinner for all the adult leaders & their spouses.  After dinner we told them that since we had a captive audience, we knew they’d love to see slides of our trip.   We showed them a few pictures of the Eiffel Tower, the Champs d’Elysee, etc. & then this one, below.  I don’t think it was exactly what Abe expected, but IT GOT A STANDING OVATION!!

You might enjoy these from ArcaMax:

"Close the curtains," requested our 2 year old granddaughter, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard." 

My friend asked our grandson when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5." 

Seeing her first hailstorm, Mary Sue, age 3, exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!" 



As I frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, my granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering." 



Announcing to daughter Lori that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?" 


When I asked our grandson if he could name the capital of Florida, he fired right back, "capital F!"

While shampooing our son, 4, I noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much." 

My daughter told her 5-year-old that their van was going to be fixed. Instantly, the small fry assumed, "Oh, it's going to the tire-o-practor?" 

Impressed by her 5-year-old's vocabulary, my friend complimented the young scholar, who nonchalantly responded, “I have words in my head I haven't even used yet." 
____________________


Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about an employee’s shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature. 

"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" the employee asked. 

"Still employed," he answered. 














I just got lost in thought--it was unfamiliar territory----fishducky 



 







Thursday, July 30, 2015

JUSTICE IS BLIND (& IN SOME CASES, DEAF & DUMB)






(I have to apologize, but I can't remember the source for these.)

Once again, it's time to review the winners of the Annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself & successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. 

7th Place

Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son. 

6th place

19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 & medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps. 

5th place

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not reenter the house because the door connecting the house & garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation & Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found & a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the house owners insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. 

4th place

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 & medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time, as Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 

3rd place

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500, after she slipped on a soft drink & broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 

2nd place

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor & knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to crawl through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 & dental expenses. 

1st place

This year's winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor Home. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph & calmly left the driver’s seat to go into the back & make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the Motor Home left the freeway, crashed & then overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him, by reading the owner's manual, that he actually could not do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor Home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles



Is there an award for Top Moron of the Year?


1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?   AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up." 

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?  An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. 

4. THE GETAWAY!!  A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 

5. DID I SAY THAT?  Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That’s not what I said!" 

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?  A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are coming only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!" 

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!  In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket! 

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!  Down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they got it into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. One of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Now remember...this is trueUnder the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!!





The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
 I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
ArcaMax

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. 

Q: What is your date of birth? 
A: July 7th.

Q: What year? 
A: Every year. 


Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
Q: How long has he lived with you? 
A: Forty-five years. 


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? 
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" 
Q: And why did that upset you? 
A: My name is Susan. 


Q: How was your first marriage terminated? 
A: By death.

Q: Yours, or your wife's?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? 
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for breathing? 
A: No. 
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
A: No. 
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.





























People shouldn't be so litigious because money isn't everything--there's credit cards, money orders, & travelers checks----fishducky

 




Wednesday, July 29, 2015

A LETTER TO GOD FROM THE DOG


Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? 

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story? 

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, & the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride!!  In 1988, Chrysler came out with the “Eagle”.  Would it have been so hard to name it the "Chrysler Beagle"?
  

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest & no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?


Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, & Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? 

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog. 

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. 

3. The sofa is not a 'face towel'-- neither are laps.

4. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

5. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

6. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license & registration. 

7. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house--not after.

10. I will not throw up in the car.

11. I will not come in from outside & immediately drag my butt.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him & he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.  


And, finally, my last question…

Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back? 
Arcamax

The cockapoo & the labradoodle are new breeds of dogs that I believe are now recognized by the AKC--but why stop there?


If you cross a Collie & a Lhasa Apso, you'd get a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

If you cross a Spitz & a Chow-Chow, you'd get a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

If you cross a Pekingese & a Lhasa Apso, you'd get a Peekasso, an abstract dog.

If you cross a Labrador Retriever & a Curly Coated Retriever, you'd get a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.

If you cross a Pointer & a Setter, you'd get a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

If you cross a Irish Water Spaniel & a English Springer Spaniel, you'd get an Irish Springer, a dog fresh & clean.

If you cross a Newfoundland & a Basset Hound, you'd get a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

If you cross a Malamute & a Pointer, you'd get a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.

If you cross a Deerhound & a Terrier, you'd get a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

If you cross a Bull Terrier & a Shih Tzu. You’d get a Bullsh..... uhh, I'll get back to you on that....


I know you love me, God.  Click here.

To read a sad dog's diary, click here. 















Why do we say, "Heavens, yes!!" & "Hell, no!!" but not "Purgatory, maybe"?----fishducky