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Tuesday, July 21, 2015

VARIOUS BITS & PIECES OF ASSORTED MISCELLANY




(Reworked from several older posts.)

My ears were constantly popping—like when you’re on a plane, but I wasn’t on a plane—so I went to see an ENT.   He said my Eustachian tubes were blocked, cleaned them out & inserted some tubing to keep them open for a while.  He asked me if I smoked & I told him I did.  He said that he had another patient with the same condition.  The doctor said that it wasn’t a good idea, but that the guy won bar bets because of his ear problem.  You’ve heard the expression, “Blow it out your ear”?  Well, he--& I--could!  With our tubes, we just had to inhale some smoke, close our mouth, pinch our nose shut & blow.  Smoke would come out of our ears!  I only tried it once or twice—I had to show Bud (& myself) I could really do it.

My dad’s given name was Angel Kiewitsky.  He always went by the name Archie Keyes.  When I was starting college he decided to have it changed legally.  Off went our family to the courthouse.  As I recall, almost the entire conversation between the judge & my father went like this: Judge: “Your name is Angel Kiewitsky?”  AK: “Yes, Your Honor.”  Judge: “And you want it changed to Archie Keyes?”  AK: “Yes, sir.”  Judge: “I don’t blame you.  Granted."

My son & my son-in-law are very good friends.  Some time ago, they were having a minor argument--more like a difference of opinion.  My son-in-law was going on & on when Blake interrupted him to ask, “I don’t understand.  What is your point?”  My son-in-law answered, “Exactly--I have no point!”  I think that answer alone makes him eligible to be a member of our family.

Children Are So Literally Minded Dept: The Broadway musical “Beauty and the Beast” was playing in our city.  Our oldest granddaughter was about 4 or 5 at the time & I decided to take her to see it.  She had been to movies but never a stage show.  I wanted her to know what she was going to see.  I told her it would be a lot like a movie, with people singing & dancing.  I said the difference would be that the people were live & real & not on a screen.  I added that everyone would be wearing makeup & costumes.  She was very excited, but also pensive.  She thought for a minute & then said, “I guess I could wear my costume from Halloween-I think it still fits.”

Do you remember the comedians, George Burns & Jack Benny?  They were very close friends.  One year on Benny’s birthday, Burns sent him a beautifully wrapped gift.  It was a turtleneck cashmere sweater.  The only thing that makes that interesting or amusing—it was being worn (yes, inside the box) by a live turtle!!

                                                                        
We went to an upscale Beverly Hills restaurant to celebrate my son-in-law’s birthday.  An older gentleman (maybe 80-85) was sitting across from me having dinner with his wife.  He was wearing a visor & his thick crewcut salt & pepper hair, about 2” long, was sticking up behind the visor.  There was a party of 12 at the table next to him.  The people at the 2 tables were apparently chatting back & forth, because at one point the older man smiled at them, rose & tipped his visor to one of the ladies in a gentlemanly manner.  I couldn’t believe what I saw.  The hair, which was not his, but a part of the visor, came off!  It looked like a regular visor with the hair sewn on top so it would look realistic.  He then put it back on his shiny bald head.  With his hair intact, he sat down & resumed eating.  It’s a good thing I was drinking club soda & not red wine.  Everyone within spitting distance would have been wearing merlot.  For an ad for the visor company, click here.

My son Matt knows how much I love Dr. Seuss, so he sent me this email. I decided to give him a Seussian reply, not expecting an entire conversation to develop.  (Ed. note: My cat scan was a checkup; everything's fine.  Lisa is his daughter.  I get leg cramps because I'm old.  He gets them because he goes on 100 mile charity bike rides.  He asked me about a remedy I use.  And, yes, he is bald!)


On Mon, Jul 20, 2015 at 6:42 AM, Matthew Fischer wrote:
I'm buying this book because of this review,
it made me buy it, how about you?

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/20/books/review-what-pet-should-i-get-a-new-book-from-dr-seuss.html?emc=edit_th_20150720&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=56409465&_r=0

I replied:
On Mon, Jul 20, 2015 at 9:52 AM, fishducky wrote:
If I didn't buy this book from Dr. Seuss
I'd feel as silly as a goose.
I didn't know that it existed
But I love everything that Seuss twisted.
Thanks for letting me know about it.
Reading it should make my brain more overcrowded!!


On Mon, Jul 20, 2015 at 10:11 AM, Matthew Fischer wrote:
Your brain is like a bottomless pit,
filled to the top with useless shit.
If you read this book there will be even more,
but when you start to recite it dad will show you the door.
Not sure if that matters after 60 years,
my guess is by that point you've run out of fears.


On Mon, Jul 20, 2015 at 1:21 PM, fishducky wrote:
Are you implying I have no real knowledge
Just 'cause I didn't graduate college?
And Dad, after what our marriage has made of him--
I am no longer afraid of him!!


On Mon, Jul 20, 2015 at 10:27 AM, Matthew Fischer wrote:
I've never thought college made anyone smart.
I graduated with honors but I just scratch and fart.

On Mon, Jul 20, 2015 at 1:31 PM, fishducky wrote:
I have nothing to add to this poem
Except that I'm glad you don't live at hoem (home?)!!

On Mon, Jul 20, 2015 at 10:37 AM, Matthew Fischer   wrote:
Where I reside is bad enough,
Lisa's the only one who appreciates my stuff.
My wife and son both have really good features,
but when it comes to sarcastic humor they're lacking creatures.
Glad I got those traits from the family of you,
but some hair on my head would have been nice too.

On Monday, July 20, 2015 at 1:58 PM, fishducky wrote:
If no hair on your head you consider a lack,
Let your eyebrows grow out & comb them straight back.
Sorry it took so long for this reply,
But I had to go eat or I feared I might die.
I had a cat scan this morning & they told me I oughter
Fast after midnight & only drink water.
Like Lisa, I'm glad you're so funny,
And I hope that stuff helps your cramps, honey.

On Mon, Jul 20, 2015 at 4:03 PM, Matthew Fischer wrote:
No hair on my head IS kind of a lack,
Fortunately there's plenty growing out of my back. 
Thanks for the good wishes regarding my cramps,
Hoping for one ride without my teammates calling me Gramps. 
This rhyming discourse brightened my day,
But alas it's night here so I fear it's going away. 
If you'd like to share it on your blog feel free,
There will be no lawsuit coming from me.

On Monday, July 20, 2015 at 4:32 PM, fishducky wrote:
Sweet dreams to you, my shining knight,
I assume bald heads are shiny because the skin's so tight.
Don't know if I'll put this in a post--
Lots of them are stupid, but this might be the most!! 



In keeping with today's theme 
(that being no theme)
how about some Demented Denizens cartoons:











It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it----fishducky

 






22 comments:

  1. I have learnt. I don't ever read your posts with a beverage. I really liked the Bible Belt, and wish I paid more attention to my 'full meter'.
    There is no question that you and Matthew are related. Cloned humour before cloning discovered.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Washed your keyboard and/or screen, did you? And THAT'S my boy!!

      Delete
  2. @EC snap! No coffee here either Hee Hee.
    I love the Dr Seuss conversations.
    That last cartoon has me wincing though. Who empties the vacuum cleaner? Ugh!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like Matthew Fischer. He takes after his mom.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
  4. A mother's son, that's for sure. That last cartoon was great! I now plan to use mine to blow away Samson's undercoat, should it grow back. I had no idea one could do that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Matt & Blake are very much alike--Nameless takes after her dad (but she thinks she's funny)!!

      Delete
  5. Love the medical conditions of the cartoon world. I never thought about it this way, but it is funny. I wonder how kids growing up with these problems thought about it. I was called a "little porky pig" when I was small and I didn't think it funny back then.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Little kids don't have the same sense of humor as adults & that was cruel. My mother called me "Plug-Ugly" because she thought I was so cute--I thought she meant it!!

      Delete
  6. I like this post it's very funny,
    and I'm not just saying that because you have money :).

    Actually I liked the oxymoron cartoon the best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just 'cause I have a little cash
      Doesn't mean ALL my kids are a pain in the ash!!

      Delete
    2. I'm glad that opinion is what you had,
      now if you could just convince my dad.

      Delete
    3. Do you remember that family joke, my dear,
      "The one fishing in Florida or the one here?"
      We'd better end this while I still have followers,
      In this kind of humor no one wants to be wallowers!!

      Delete
  7. Poor Eeyore. I just hope that I will not become like him. I fall a sleep all most any where. LOL
    The bible belt is kind of ironic and funny at the same time.
    Your grand daughter must have sounded so cute when she thought that the audience qalso dresses up. She must be a lttile grown now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She's grown a little--she's 24 now!!

      Delete
  8. Loved your Seuss battle. There is no doubt he is your son. Had to laugh at "ka ka." I once owned a boat I named that. It was a piece of sh**.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He looks like his father, but he thinks like his mama!!

      Delete
  9. Enjoyed the Dr. Seuss emails, the stool softener, and the Halloween costume!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you!! Have I ever told you that I love your blog?

      Delete
  10. You email exchange with your son is a scream. That took a great deal of creativity.

    I find myself snorting every time I read your blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Be careful not to snort coffee on your keyboard!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.